Am I being really selfish here?

[Evaluna]

When my husband and I first got together I knew he had 2 previous children and I accepted that. He was never allowed to see his son because the childs mother refused to let him have him because he was with me. He never had much contact with his daughter and I dont really know the reason why.

6 weeks before my daughter was due his other daughters mother started demanding money from us and really upset me with the situation she was putting us in. Then when my baby was just 3 months old another of his ex girlfriends came along and said that he had a son who was 8 (who he never even knew existed) and he wanted to meet his dad.

I was really upset again but only because my MIL started interfering and before we knew it she had this girl round to her house, handing out my husbands mobile number and arranging for the little boy to stay at her house and telling my husband he had to go and see him when he didnt have time to get his head round things himself.

Everything went a bit quiet, but last week the childs mother rung my husband (she originally said she didnt want to see my husband or speak to him) and now she wont stop asking when he is going to see his son.

Im angry because no-one has asked this girl to take a step back, seeing as we have a new baby and dont need any more emotional stress than we have had recently. Im not against my husband seeing his son at all, in fact I have told him to make arrangements to see him, but part of me feels so fed up that this child is being shoved into our faces by everyone, rather than us being allowed to deal with this as a family. I feel like I'm being a brat and being selfish over it all but if I had known there were so many children involved at he beginning of our relationship I dont think I would have got involved.

Why should she step back? She is not bothered about your children why should she be? Her interests lie with her own who wants to see his daddy.

He is not 'this child' he is your husbands son. Fair enough she should have told him about his son 8 years ago, but you cannot blame the child for his mother being a silly cow.

I dont blame his son at all - if he wants to see his dad then thats fine with me but my hubby had a right to know his son existed the day he was born.

You cant just leap into someones life 8 years later and expect everyone to be immediately thrilled - its a big shock to find out you have a child you never know about!

Yes its a big shock to everyone and you are right the stoopid woman should have told your hubby 8 years ago. But the fact is she didn't. You can't change that. Your hubby should be making every possible effort to meet this little boy.

Appreciate that it's difficult for you - it's very hard to be sympathetic and open-hearted and unselfish when you have a newborn and are exhausted and full of rampagin hormones. But you are going to have to get over this, because it's basically not about you. These children exist, they have a right to a relationship with their father, and a legal right to financial support from him (as does your DD). And your MIL is not 'interfering' if she wants to meet a boy who is, after all, her grandson, and welcome him into the family.
Of course, your DH needs to make sure that he supports you and does his share round the house etc - he is married to you now and you are his primary partner but he is still his other children's father and they matter too. He's got to make time for all of you.
FOr yourself, make sure you have other sources of support and affection, be it friends or your own mother, be patient, and let things settle down. But these other children are not going to vanish, and nor should they.

Im not asking for anyone to 'vanish' and nor would I. As for MIL interfering she has done many things that she should never have done. She made arrangements for his son to stay at her house then went to work, left her husband to look after him and he then decided to go out leaving him alone in the house then telling my husband no-one was in and he had to go immediately. What kind of person would do that with a child they want to get to know?

Knowing that you now have to deal with another child in the family is a big thing to deal with, especially when you never even knew they existed and anyone would need some time to deal with it. you cant have a phone call on the monday and then play happy families on Tuesday.

I accept the situation now but, again, you cant just appear after 8 years and start pushing hyourself into peoples lives without some kind of resistance. We dont even know if this child is indeed my husbands yet - so that doesnt help my reluctance to invite someone into my family that may indeed not even be related to anyone.

Well, sometimes when a child 'appears' after several years, he or she is welcomed with delight by the rest of the family. It depends how many family members have issues with one another already, or are jealous or insecure. Do you feel that your MIL doesn't like you, or is not happy that you are married to her son, by any chance? Or do you have problems accepting that your DH had sex with other people before he met you? You do seem a bit hostile both to his children and their mothers.

I'm not hostile towards his other children - in fact I have bent over backwards to do things for his daughter but she refuses to even acknowledge I am in the room and doesnt even speak to her dad so we're limited to what we can do with her these days because of her total lack of communication. Even her mum acknowledges just how difficult she has been so there is only so much you can do without forcing the issue.

His mother hates the fact that he married me and she thinks I'm a snob because I have always had a nice car, a decent job and can look after myself. I have no idea why she treats me the way she does but she doesnt give a crap about my daughter. She never comes round to see her and never asks about her, so when I see her getting excited over my husbands other children I feel resentful that she is that way because I am her mother and she should be just as excited about her but she just isnt. She keeps in regular contact with his exes but refuses to speak to me but I have no idea why. Obviously she needs to speak to these women to see her grandchildren and thats fine - but considering im her sons wife and also have one of her grandchildren its strange I dont get the same treatment.

I have told hubby to arrange to see his son but on his terms only and not because his mum says he should go running. She needs to make her own plans and let hubby make his own with his son.

OK your MIL clearly doesn't like you. But please don't let your resentment of her affect the way you treat your husband's other children - it's not their fault their grandmother doesn;t like their father's wife. And, OK, I don't know you or your family, but you do sound a little bit as though you think you are better than your DH's family (including his XPs) and if you let this show, it's not that surprising that they don't like you.

I have always tried my hardest with that family and if you knew me then you would know exactly the things I have done for them,and how they have treated both me and my husband, but seeing as how you dont you cant say that I sound like I'm better than them because I dont. I have just shown them a lot more respect than they have shown me.

I have never used these forums on here until today and I wont be using them again. Obviously people can have objective opinions about things,will disagree with me and I expect healthy debates but I didnt expect people to be so aggresive and presumptuous. Its not a nice place to be here... perhaps you need to look at your own aggression towards people and ask why that is?

also...and i am trying to be understanding of your situation - you seem to be making this a lot about you - if his daughters mum needs financial support she needs financial support - without being harsh you chose to have a family with him knowing that he had other family too. They are all equal - if htis little boy is being used as a pawn that is truly awful. Have you sorted a dna test. When is it happening. For this little mans sake you need to rush this through and start to rebuild the damage done by his bloody idiot of a mother. He is an innocent little boy who wnts to know his dad - if that is your dh be the bigger woman and welcome him with open arms - after all if the boot were reversed you would want your baby to be treated kindly by his family. You cant be adverse to an innocent 8 year old boy, surely, thats just wrong, so tell the family to back off, make sure he is your husbands and then do everything possible to make an innocent child feel welcomed into your home. It is the only right thing to do. You can stress all you want to about it and resist as hard as possible, but the fact is, whilst your dh didnt know for 8 years, he does now and if he is his he has a very clear duty too him, which also involves unfortunately sorting out the mess everyone else has made. It must be a real shock for you but you are an adult. This little boy is not. That is why it is so important you take a deep breath and really try for his sake to get this resolved. Your mil, his mother, none of it matters. This child and his needs do.

I don't get the feeling that the Op is blaming the child at all. I can understand that she is upset that her MIL is happily handing out their phone number to others without first asking permission, and is then playing happy families with these other grandchildren whilst happily ignoring the DGD who just happens to be Eva's DD. It sounds to me that she has accepted the fact that there are other children, but to have another one sprung on you at what is a vulnerable time for most women, ie; new baby of their own, is very unsettling. In the same circumstances I think I would be a bit hostile to other women jumping out of the woodwork demanding money and announcing the (belated) arrival of a Ds for DH! Solid, I think you are totally barking up the wrong tree with your comment about her not liking the fact that her DH had a sexual relatinship with someone before her. She has already said she knew and accepted there were two children.
And actually, if the child does turn out to be her DH's, it is HIM that has a responsibility to him, not Eva so it is up to her to decide whether she wants to welcome him with open arms or not!

I don't get the feeling that the Op is blaming the child at all. I can understand that she is upset that her MIL is happily handing out their phone number to others without first asking permission, and is then playing happy families with these other grandchildren whilst happily ignoring the DGD who just happens to be Eva's DD. It sounds to me that she has accepted the fact that there are other children, but to have another one sprung on you at what is a vulnerable time for most women, ie; new baby of their own, is very unsettling. In the same circumstances I think I would be a bit hostile to other women jumping out of the woodwork demanding money and announcing the (belated) arrival of a Ds for DH! Solid, I think you are totally barking up the wrong tree with your comment about her not liking the fact that her DH had a sexual relatinship with someone before her. She has already said she knew and accepted there were two children.
And actually, if the child does turn out to be her DH's, it is HIM that has a responsibility to him, not Eva so it is up to her to decide whether she wants to welcome him with open arms or not!

sorry. new system!

Classic case of ask a question, ie "Am I being really selfish here?" and when you don't like the fact the people have given you their honest answer you decide we are all 'aggressive'

You have got some good answers on here.

EvaLuna I don't think you think you're better than his family or his ex-girlfriends. From what you say it sounds like you've made a real effort with all the children involved.

Your MIL sounds awful! I'd be hurt and angry if she had made no effort with my child/her Grandaughter but then invited another Grandchild over to stay. She should try her best to treat them all equally and put aside her feelings about their mothers. Try not to let her dislike of you get to you. There are lots of MILs out there who dislike their DILs for no apparent reason other than they are married to their son!

You must hurry along the DNA test but until then please try to be as kind as you can to the child. His mother is at fault. She should have told your husband that he had another child when he was born. Has she said why she didn't tell him sooner and why she has now decided he should know? Is there a real chance that the child isn't his? What does your husband think? You haven't written much about his thoughts on the matter. Is he burying his head in the sand?

I too think your MIL should have taken a step back and let your husband and his son get to know each other at their own pace. This must be a lot for both of them to take in. Has she thought about what she will do if the DNA test comes back to show that your husband is not his Father? Will she continue to contact him or drop him like a hot potato? She has rushed in without any thought to the long term.

Getting back to you and your daughter though... How does your husband feel about the lack of interest your MIL shows to your daughter? You say this makes you feel resentful. Have you told him this? If not then you must. If you have told him then what is he doing about it? As your daughter gets older she will start to notice that her siblings spend more time with their Grandmother than she does.

I hope you do come back to this thread as some objective feedback to a difficult situation can be helpful.

A very thoughtful post, Amandoh. Wot I woz gonna say, only better expressed!
Good luck, OP.

i think solid gold buliet was harsh and judgemental as she dont no you. a woman coming into your husbands life and producing him with an 8 year old boy is suspicious i would not trust her at all u dont know this womans history act fast and get a dna test, for the childs sake because it sounds like his mother will put a lot of emotional baggage on to him. your dh daughters mother asking for money, i understand that u have just had a baby but u need to get your husband to talk to her and explain ur situation for what ever reason you cant give her money as it is a financial strugle when u have just had a baby and she will have to deal with that. and as for your husband he needs to take his finger out of his arse to work out his family especialy mil u dont need it. I think if anyone is selfish i think its ur husband he needs to sort himself out and get some balls.

Negril: the husband is legally obliged to support his children financially, whatever his wife thinks about it.

I think it is perfectly all right to be resentful towards your MIL. I certainly think it is right to be resentful of your dh's ex, who has behaved badly. I also think the DNA test is a good idea. But I also think it can never be right to express resentment against an 8-year-old child. I don't care if this is demonising step-parents: I think every adult has a duty not to express resentment of small children, for any reason. Not about being a step-parent or not. About being adult.

The one thing that jarred with me in this post was that you seemed to be talking about the child when you said "You cant just leap into someones life 8 years later and expect everyone to be immediately thrilled". He is a child of eight - how do you expect him to be able to gauge your reactions or take responsibility for them? He is a little boy who has just realised he must have a Daddy somewhere- of course he wants to meet him. He cannot possibly be responsible for the feelings of any adults- you just can't expect that from a small child.

Of course, his ex is totally wrong about not letting him know about the child beforehand, but that does not mean that your dh is absolved from meeting the needs of the child. It's not his fault what kind of mother he has. And it is not up to him to decide whether he can afford to support him; that is a legal question.

By negril 'I think if anyone is selfish i think its ur husband he needs to sort himself out and get some balls. '

Yes he should. He should also sort out using bloody birth control instead of producing children and then moving on to pastures new, poor buggers

I don't normally get involved in these type of debates but I don't see how solid was being aggressive and presumptious. She came across as trying to get out all the facts in order to try to provide the OP with some answers/opinions.

Also agree ref solid's comment ref the OP's DH being legally obliged to financially support his children. Of course it was a shock finding out about a third child years after he was born and he really should consider a paternity test asap to establish whether the child is really his before any bonding takes place.

and also op, if you are around, it may help to know that I am a stepmother. I know exactly how hard it is to be bonded to a child nto yours by birth at any age, least of all fully formed at 8, but i genuinly, strongly and completely feel that our only option is to make life right for these kids. We are the adults and are at liberty to make our choices, they are not and will live with the consequences their whole lives. Like them or not it is so important that we get it right.