Quite confused. Could I be a rubbish mum?

[pamelat]

I was going to name change for this but have decided to be upfront. Afterall I dont think its anything too bad, just a bit embarassing maybe.

I love my 12 month old DD to peices. Sometimes I wonder whether its possible to love her too much though. I have always been quite high maintenance emotionally, giving and receving.

My parents, especially my dad, are very emotional people. Always telling us (me and my brother) how much they love us, how much we mean to them etc. This is lovely, but as a result I have come to think this is normal in other areas of life.

DH is not an overtly emotional person, which probably does me some good!

DD (IMO) has been hard work. Firstly she had colic, then reflux, then sleep issues and now she is an adorable little monkey but with very high energy levels (as I am sure most 12 months are!). As an example, whenever we go out in a mummy/baby group, I am always the mum having to run around the room or stand holding a fretting baby. She likes to join in and is a very brave little mite (unlike me).

I will call her high spirited!! A bit like me.

She really is fantastic but I find her draining (am going back to work next week, part time).

I have started to think (not even worry really but just to actually think it) that I am not a very good mum?

I have started to wonder (well I thought it a while back really) whether maybe she is not demanding or high energy but that its just me that finds it difficult to cope/keep up with her.

My friends have said that I am a great mum. I am always that person joining in, climbing through tunnels and singing songs to DD but in reality I find it very tiring and really I just want to sit down and have a cup of tea. I am looking forward to DD being a little older so that she does not require constant supervision .

More notably, whenever I am around my in laws I find that I feel I am a rubbish mum. My in laws grow their own vegetables and make all of their food from scratch, I sometimes give DD fish fingers and beans (writing this now I feel a bit silly but sad at the same time). Sometimes I would like to be "Super mum" but it just isnt me.

DD is spending the night at in laws this evening and I am worrying about what to make for her tea this afternoon so that they will think I am a "good" mum. She has lots of fruit and veg but it all tends to be quick things, like boil some brocolli, mash some potato and feed her blue berries. Hardly Nigella!

I am hoping that when I go back to work I might be a "better" mum.

I love her to peices but sometimes I feel that she is so independent (except when feeling clingy) that maybe she is not that bothered about me. This morning I was trying to dress her (she hates that at the moment) and she started crying, I carried on dressing her and she got very angry and started to throw herself around (which makes it difficult to hold her) and then she turned and pushed my face away and started laughing. I am aware that its strange to think that maybe my DD wants to hurt me, but she definately finds it funny to try to scratch my face or poke my eyes. I tell her "no" and try to carry on but she can almost over power me, which I feel is a ridiculous thing to say about a 12 month old.

I feel that when I go back to work next week (and DH will have her 3 days a week (he was mmade redundant over Christmas) that she will love him more than me, and then I feel bad for making it sound like a competition as i know its not about that and that of course I want her to love her dad as much as me. I just feel that I will not be needed

So I say all this feeling quite confused as I am aware that I am being silly but I genuinely feel a bit rubbish/selfish and I can feel myself backing away defensively.

Headfairy, thats like my DH. He can sit and watch repeats of Top Gear and just keep a loose watch on DD. When its me I seem to actively play with her but would sometimes like a go at DH's role. Unfortunately DD has other ideas, I am definately "play mate" in the house and I fear I have brought that upon myself.

Out and about its easier as she has other distractions. We often go out

You sound lovely, as does your DD

My DS's were always the ones clambering where they shouldn't/having a tantrum etc and I used to get so embarrassed (esp round my friend's very well behaved DD), but they are livewires and full of beans, they are exploring and being adventurous, that is a good thing (I think!).

My DS2 is currently eating a crumpet with cheese and carrot sticks and raw mushroom. About the only thing he will eat for lunch (for me). At the Childminders' and PIL's he will eat anything.
Bugger, isn't it?

Stop stressing and enjoy (and I bet your DH will soon change his tune once reality bites )

you sound utterly normal as does your dd. Most of us just want to sit down and have a cup of tea (especially at toddler group). My ds is currently going through a phase of hitting me and laughing (he is 2 in May). I know it is just a phase. he doesn't understand it hurts etc. He will stop doing it eventually. he is number 2 child though and I think that helps to keep things in perspective. You are doing a fine job.

I see it as dh has selective hearing, it's the same as when ds wakes up at night. Amazingly, he could hear a pin drop in a hurricane, but he can't hear a wailing toddler two rooms away. Mothers are different, they can't just switch off their hearing to ignore wailing/whingeing/fighting/destruction/cries of mummymummymummymummymummymummy!

Can I please be allowed a small knowing at pamelat's DH having plans to make fish pie and bake.

I suspect he will have a rude awakening when he tries to get anything done with a toddler running riot all over the place, and, crucially, without anyone else there to help keep an eye on her for 5 minutes. I work while my DP stays home - when I have a day off and he is out, I am always astonished at how difficult it is to achieve anything with a small person "helping".

Your DP will soon see this for himself and I expect he too will realise that there's bugger all wrong with some mash!

I have to say this - you are going to love being back at work and being able to think about something else - and this does not make you a bad mother (if you are, then I am too)

My Dh is at home with the dc atm (ds he has all the time, dd he has when she's not at nursery)

I love the drive to work on the days I am in the car alone - even through the rush hour etc. It's bliss. I can have what I want on the radio and don't have to check constantly if dd still has her seatbelt on or think up answers to her constant questions.

When you are settled back at work, you may find that you can 'switch off' a bit more from dd. That has happened with me, I suspect it's because the dc are not my only focus now.

You sound like a great mum.
I have given myself permission to feed dd (4) and ds (15 mo) fish 'n' chips every friday fro supper. No salt, and dd doesn't eat the batter, but nice greasy fried fish 'n' chips. So shoot me. The rest of the time they have carb (pasta, rice, potato, bread - nothing fancy), one or two veg (boiled if needed) and meat (roast, stew, whatever). I work 8 - 5, and they get homecooked food at nursery. I am happy to save the 'fancy' cooking for the weekend and hols; weekday suppertimes are about getting decent but plain food in them quickly - and one 'no cook' meal a week is fine. Don't beat yourself up.

On the rest of it, I can't help. But my ds is a bugger about scratching, and is presently playing dh and me off against eachother, if it cheers you up? Every night, he wants a mummy hug, but then cries and holds his arms out for dh when he leaves his bedroom, and when dh takes him, cries for me until I take him back, then wants dh, repeat ad nauseam....

You sound like you have a wonderful spirited child. All the bits that are annoying now will be the drive and determination that gets her through life.

Thats what I used to tell myself when my 18 month old dd used to launch a plastic teacup assault on the lovely singing children at toddler group!

Yes DD did come out as "spirited" when I did the baby whisperer "survey" on her at 2 months

Have never heard as good advice as Custardo's here. That's all that matters.

Be proud of her individuality. I know I try to be when my daughter is doing odd 'tales of the unexpected' dances in the centre of the circle when all the others are sitting nicely with their mum/dad. Repeat to yourself -- "fuck what the others think"

Pamelat, you sound like a great mum to me.

I have to say I did laugh when I read that your DH thinks he will be making fish pie and baking when he is in charge. He will, will he?!

My DH has lots of great advice until I leave him alone for a day with DD, and come back to find everything a mess, DD sometimes not even fed (except for biscuits and chocolate) , and he is lounging on the sofa watching a DVD!

It's not just about the child is it? you have washing/washing up to do, maybe cleaning the bathroom or hoovering or whatever, as well as trying to stimulate and entertain your child, build up a rapport with them, make sure they are healthy, as well as fed and clothed - I'm not surprised you fancy some peace and quiet and a nice cup of tea.

Please don't give yourself a hard time about it. My DD (nearly 3) is the "life and soul" of her childminders group (read loudest and ringleader for any trouble. ) Always on the go, always asking questions, refuses to let me help her get dressed, or anything else for that matter. I work in an office for four days a week and quite honestly, more often than not I feel like I'm going there for a rest! Sending you a big cyber-hug from one frazzled mum to another.

OMG I must be a "bad" mummy too

I could have ticked ALL of the comments on here (and the rest!!!). I can spend all day Sunday making a meal from scratch and neither of my DC will eat ANY of it, yet open a tin of spaghetti and they eat every bit of it!!! My LO's are nearly 4 and 2.

I too try and "join in" when they are playing as I think it makes them enjoy it more and its something we can share and enjoy together, but sometimes I have to admit I dont get the reaction I would like, ie DD starts kicking off or making a holy show, so sometimes I sit back like the other mums and leave her to play and she just gets on with it. So maybe in some ways I make the situation worse???

We went shopping last week, a supposedly nice mother and daughter trip, I took her for something to eat but she was just a nightmare from start to end. She ran off through the shopping centre and I nearly lost her, she wouldnt hold my hand so after that I carried her. In one shop she pulled my hair cos she was angry that I wouldnt let her walk. I was calm and reasonable with her and explained why I was carrying her, but this wasnt what she wanted to hear so she then scratched my face. I knew it was stinging but in the next shop a man looked at me as if he was going to say something, I touched my face and it was bleeding. I felt so sad that she had done that to me and I wanted to cry cos she had been such hard work. At this point she was crying loudly, so all in all, not the great little treat I had planned, PMSL!!! But thats what I have to do, laugh about it - although at the time I was sad and mad and worn out

What im trying to say, in a long way, is we can only try our best and sometimes our precious children are just trying to test the boundaries, the ones we are supposed to set now so they grow to learn right from wrong. I keep thinking its a lot of effort now but it will be worth it when my DC grow up to be decent people, I will just be perm asleep as soon as they hit 18, PMSL!!!!

ds has never really liked these. Trains are not really his thing.

I don't buy any books based on tv characters except the mr men ( and they are bad enough) because they re SOOOOOO DULL.

We have had some given to us though (unfortunately). Noddy, lazytown, Bob the builder, Thomas the tank Engine. All of them are terrible to read, luckily ds isn't that fussed about any of them. He likes them Ok but he doesn't ask for them again and again.

The cat in the hat however ................ aghhh!!!!!

oops sorry posted on wrong thread. Am tired and the new layout has confused me. Nothing to do with the glass of wine I'm drinking - oh no!