Still no idea what to do i know i've asked before, please be gentle :)

[littlemucky]

As some of you know i left my dh last October. Wen to stay with xp and after a while we started a realtionship and thought we wanted to stay together and i was going ot divorce dh. I started to miss dh so went back home but it only lasted 2 days. Went back to dp and yet again started to miss dh aftere a few weeks. I then went ot stay wioth my mum for a while to get some distance from both dp and dh and after a few weeks moved back in with dh. I've been back with him for a week now.

Dh knows what happened with xp and has had little reation to it outwardly, just said it makes him sad. I spend the day with xp a few days ago and dh knows and seems ok about it. I find that hard to understand. it's nice he's not making a fuss but it seems very strange? I'm starting to feel that i can never feel closr ot dh becuase aour thought process and reactions are so opposite in alot of ways. xp is emotional, sensitve and quite adoring to me and i thik we understand eactoher. I did find some things about him irritating when we were together but it's almost like i exaggereated them in mind mind to put me off him.

dh and i have started to see a counsellor togethere and i'm hoping that will help make up my mind what to do. xp will have me back if i'm sure it's what i want

I'm very scared of going thru the upheaval of divorce, moving house, etc and worry that this may be what influenced me to go back to dh.
dh knows i', seeing xp again next week and again doesn't appear to mind.

Sorry but i think you are using your XP. And it is very unfair to keep stringing him along. I would suggest going to live by yourself for a while and sort out what you really want.

I know it seems like i'm using him and i didn't expect him to say he's wait for me, i actually told him he shouldn't as he may end up getting hurt. But he's insistent that he'll wait a few months until i've made up my mind.

I feel i have to stay with dh to give my ds (2) a "traditional" upbringing. ie living with mummy and daddy. Also and as this is my second marriage, i'm sacred on being divorced twice.

Someone said to me that maybe i only missed dh because i remembered the good bits and was forgetting how unhappy i'd been with him. I don't know

You havent mentioned your child. Did you take him with you each time you left/returned/left again?

Cant you see the damage you are doing to him by your self absorbed behaviour?

Try thinking about his needs rather than your own.

My advice, for what it is worth, is to live apart from both men. Don't try and be in a relationship with either. Let your H see his child and build up a friendship. All this going back and forth isn't great for any of you.

X posts, but advice still stands

Thanks. yes ds has been with me all the time and has been happy. When i first left in October, he was happier and sleeping better than he ever had. I think because he was away from arguments and tensiom.

I have tried living away from both of them (ie when i was at my mums) but that just led to me going back to dh last week.

With xp i feel safe and comfortable, i'm attracted to him and he makes it clear he is to me. We also understand eachother and are emotionally more similar.

With dh, because of things that have happend in th past, i'm more wary and often feel anxious he'll let me down. He is amking an affort atm, but his efforts in the past have not been sustained

you don't really love either of them but it seems preferable to being alone?thats what it sounds like sorry

I'm pretty sure I love both of them but in very different ways

you're yo-yoing between the two. sounds to me like you need to be with someone and neither of these men really fit the bill.

the best thing you can do for yourself is stop seeing both and just work out what you want.

Remember that there are ways of living other than monogamy. Given that both these men know about each other, is it worth discussing the possibility of having both of them in your life? Not everyone is obsessed with the sexual ownership of a partner, so if both men are happy for you to see and have sex with the other one, then you can build a relationship that works for everyone.
It's not entirely easy, and you will all need to talk it through and agree ground rules (these will be up to you but will involve stuff like: do the men get to have sex elsewhere if they want to? Who lives where? How are you going to divide your time?)
There are some good books about non-traditional and open relationships around, which might help.

I agree- and living at your mum's didn't "just lead to" you going anywhere- you made a decision, and you have the power to make better ones, you really do!

i just think you are mean

put them both out of their misery and be on your own. concentrate on DS.

I feel I have to give the counselling a go for a while. I have nowhere to go where ds and i would be completely alone, this is why i went to my mums.

Plus, I seem to remember you having counselling over this issue, or relationship counselling? And it hasn't helped at all. The fact that you have posted at least twice about this issue too, suggests to me that you are "stuck", and need to be on your own to build some confidence in your own ability to make decisions. There is no answer anyone can give you- you just have to make a decision and stick to it.

completely alone? what about DS?

whats so bad about being completely alone?