what do you do when they wont help themselves???

[BONKERZ]

me and Dh are struggling.
He has depression and 6 months ago we decided it was crucial we either sorted it or split. We both went to doctors and went on anti depressants. I came off mine before christmas as felt i didnt need them anymore and DH (i thought) stayed on them.
Things have been going down hill again for about 8 weeks now and Last night i told Dh im fed up of it all.
He is not doing a good job at work which means he is getting snotty letters from his boss which TBH i can understand because Dh is not even fulfilling his basic duties (retail manager with a dirty shop!) Dh comes home eveyr night in a foul mood, his eating has got out of hand (he is insulin dependant) and he refuses to accept he has a problem and we have not slept together for 3 months now.
Last night Dh asked if we could have sex....which was fine but he just laid in bed and TBH in the end i told him it felt too awkward and weird. Dh then admitted he had not been back to docs after his first 3 months of ADs and started saying he knew everything was his fault etc.
Im cross because i can and will support him through this but only if i know he is trying to hellp himself which he isnt. I told him this and it resulted in a massive 'woe is me' argument where apparently i was blaming everything on him (i kept asking what i could do to help etc)
Anyway i ended up sleep ing in spare bed which i have done alot in the last few weeks. Right now i know the easy option would be to bail out.

Sometimes when you are in the depths of depression you just can't help yourself and everything can seem so pointless.

Do you really want to bail?

I can't help thinking "In sickness and in health."

And I do know how hard it is.

oh lovely Bonkerz I'm sorry to hear this

It sounds as though you might both benefit from something like Relate - have you thought about that option?

xxx

i dont want to bail, i do love him very much but right now im fed up of spoon feeding him and walking on egg shells, he will lose his job if he cannot sort himself out and to do this he needs tablets and help. I have made him an appointment at the doctors for 9am but currently he is still in bed so i guarentee he wont go.
If he wont do it for himself and he wont do it for me and the kids im not sure i can stick around TBH, life is horrid right now.

we looked into relate about a year ago but DH earns too much (25k)(overdrawn every month by £1400!) and we could not afford the £60 they wanted per session, and they wanted 6 sessions to be paid for in one go. We even both asked for counselling together when we went doctors but were told we didnt qualify.
It seems for the last year we have been going in circles. I cant see a way out!

Hi again Bonkerz

Relate should allow you to pay less if you can't personally afford it. Their guidelines are only guidelines and no one should be refused relationship counselling on the basis of the cost of it. I think you should pursue it again. I know it is painful to plead poverty if you are officially over their limit but they shouldn't make you feel that you have to beg - and you certainly shouldn't NOT go because of that reason. Could you ask again? You sound like you still love him although he does need a kick up the arse.

Big kick up the arse?

I don't think you understand depression at all, do you?

Well, he isn't taking responsibility for his treatment, isn't attending his Doctor's appointments, isn't taking his medication and is about to lose his job and his family who are acting as carers for him

So yes I think that's fair enough

Bonkerz i thought relate worked along the lines of a reasonable contribution if you couldn't afford the full amount ?

Bonkerz

Depression Alliance may be worth contacting; they are a charity supporting depressed people and their families.

Link is below:-

www.depressionalliance.org

Has his depressive state contributed to the parlous state of your household finance?. Have you to date approached CAB for help and guidance?

Oooh Bonkerz I had another thought

Some branches of Mind are very useful - some offer things like Advocacy services where someone can come and talk to you about your options or carers support where you can get advice - it might be worth finding your local branch and asking them for advice. Even dropping them an email might help.

Thanks everyone,
Onlyme......i understand depression very well, i too suffer with it and my family have long history of mental health issues.....I have made appointments for DH and he has not gone, i take alot of the responsibility for DHs medication for his insulin etc and in return he sits and eats boxes of chocolates, you can only sit back and watch someone destroy themselves and your fmaily for so long and i have reached the point now where i cannot watch him anymore. The softly softly approach has not worked with DH this time (he has been in and out of depression for 7 years now and every time i have supported him) I am now at a point where im exhausted and frustrated and fed up of carrying him, am i supposed to support him whilst he self destructs? My DCs are now being affected by his depression and i cannot let this happen.

I went out this morning and came back briefly to find him sat staring into space on sofa, he hadnt rang doctors and hadnt done the one job i needed him to do which was pay the car tax over the internet. when i tackled him about the doctors he got very angry and went to work an hour early. I will make him an appointment for tomorrow morning and if he doesnt go i think i will have to take the kids and stay at my sisters for a few days to see if that shakes him up enough for him to actually do something to help himself.

I do love him, i dont WANT to leave him but right now that looks like the best way to portect my children.
thanks for the link attilla i will have a look and morningpaper what a star thankyou, i will chase everything up for the future although if i cant even get him to the doctors im not sure how i can get him to a counsellor!

I may even pretend the appointment is for DD and say he needs to come too!

Thanks again guys, i dont want to argue with him again tonight so will be in the spare bed before he gets home from work!

I never suggested you didn't understand, BONKERZ.

I hope you can find a way though.

oh dopple...firstlyu very un MN like huge hugsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Depression is a bitch and one of hardest things to admit to having especially for blokes. the fact dh has admitted to it once is a positive sign. Did he make it to the gp this morning?
I agree with MP that definetly some couples counselling is in order, contact CAB as they shoudl have numbers for voluntary organisations who offer free councelling. He also needs to see the gp again as I know that you have a lot to cope with withotu dh being ill. Depression is crap because you can never see the harm you are doing when you are low and I can also imagine your DH would consider himself a failure to be on ADs especially if you have managed to cope without them iykwim.

Cheers ganger! LMAO
He hasnt made an appointment yet, we will see what he does first thing in the morning. I have told him over and over that i will support him if he can get himself down the doctors.
I can see how he might see he is failing because of me coming of the pills but i dont see it like that at all, im lucky that every time i have been put on the pills they have worked quite quickly but i have also made a concious effort to change what was making me depressed. DH is now dragging me down again and im fed up of it!
It honestly feels like im living with a friend who doesnt like me at all and wishes he was somewhere else.

Bonkerz, If he is really depressed and it's impacting on his diabetes he needs to see the GP because you said his job was at risk. He needs to have confirmation that the problems he has at work are illness related before he loses his job without a leg to stand on.
It sounds like this also applies to his marriage but he is not responding to your advice so I wonder if he would let you ring a healthline for advice while he is there? I wouldn't (in the first instance) go behind his back, but if he understands that you only want the best for him and his family maybe he will co-operate.

Just a thought -

Sometimes when I am really really low I can't be bothered to do anything, never mind anything to try and help, as it all seems so pointless when you have been depressed for as long as I have.

I hope everything works out for you both.

well dh got up this morning and as expected disappeared at 8am when he was supposed to be ringing the doctors! I rang and made an appointment and he has rang to say he went and has the option to be signed off but needs to talk to me cos there is more to it. He is now working till gone 9 tonight so i suppose i will have to wait till he gets home so i can find out whats been said.

Hi, hope all goes well tonight. Just to tell you that with Relate there is a sliding scale but it is not based on income, more what you feel you can pay. They have a bursary for people who cannot pay full whack. Just thought I'd add that.
Let us know how you get on..

i emailed relate last night and they replied today saying they can reduce the rate to £40 per session and £12 registration fee but we would still need to book and pay for 6 sessions in one go. I explained everything to them and they said that whilst we could try and claim money from a bursary fund we would still have to make the inital payment and the likely hood is we would not even get 50% back! It all seems doomed and cheaper to get a divorce! (JOKE)(i think)

FWIW, I dont think he has shown the committment for going to the GP yet, nevermind the soulsearching needed for counselling. I urge you to try my previous advice and tell him exactly whats at stake and how much you want to support him IF he will meet you half way!!!

i agree that going to the docs hasnt changed anything, infact he came home at 9pm last night and we did talk about what doc said etc...he has been told to go back to docs in 2 weeks (he has an anti d beginning with D) and if no change the doctor has agreed to sign him off work for depression/anxiety and so he can get his sugar levels back to normal as they are running amock right no and hard to control.
I slept on sofa last night and DH is still in bed now despite knowing that DS is at playscheme today which means we can do something nice with the girls (for those who dont know DS has ASD so its an extra pressure IYKWIM)

It's like reading a page out of my life. My Husband will not go to Relate though and doesn't want to do anything to resolve our situation and so after serious consideration I'm moving out next week. I also have an asd son and and he is suffering as a result of our arguements. I made the decision last night and his reaction was "Go then....." I have begged him to go to Relate as I really wanted to save my marraige but I'm so unhappy and so is he..... I feel devastated as I remember when life was so lovely and we adored each other but at the moment both of us feel nothing.....I feel for you because I know how it feels and I hope you guys can make it work. At least on the positive side your partner will go to Relate. That's the first step and it shows you both still care.Thinking of you.