My day today......

[tiredandwornout]

Just need to write this down as most of my days are like today and they all seem to blur into one.
Have no one else to talk to.

I am feeling really stressed at the moment and everything is getting on top of me.
I have panic attacks daily at the moment and am always feeling anxious.
I have to overcome these feelings as when they get realy bad I don't wnat to go out.

I have to take the children to school and pick them up so obviously overcome my fears and do it.
But it is a struggle.

My son has SN's and heard a couple of children saying things about him when I dropped him off this morning and it was like a knife going through my heart.
I talked to his teacher and asked him to keep an ear out for it happening again and I was really upset it all day.

Fast forward to tonight .
DH comes home after missing dinner and bedtime,could hardly stand and had been to the pub.
Of course he was in a happy go lucky mood making sarky comments.

I told him I can't live like this anymore and he said I have'nt got a choice.

Then as always he turned his drinking around into it being about me and how I have been strange just latly and am I going through the menopause.
I am not going through the menopause but he usually comes out with this line and thinks it rather funny.

He reckons I am heading for a nervous breakdown.

I then tell him his dinner is in the oven and starts ranting at how he had to get his own dinner the other night.
Yes he did the one night I did'nt feel well!!!!!

Then I heard him on the phone to a friend he had been drinking with saying how he was feeling a bit worried and frightened in the pub by a guy who Dh had sparked up a conversation with and sounds like it nearly got into an arguement.
God my DH is in his late forties,all this stuff sounded like he was 20 something.
He has responsibilties and was phoning his friend up to see if he was ok and this other fella had got home alright.
What about phoning me and telling and his children where he is and when he will be home???

Then he brings up his brother wedding which is coming up in a few monthes time and I told him I don';t feel I can go.
it is about 8 hours away and the thought of it at the momemt fills with me dread.
I am struggling go out around were we live much more 8 hours away.

He then started shouting saying I have to go and how will it look to his family if I am not there.

Then he changes tact and says he will take the children and will let me know the arrangements last minute and laughing about it.
Knowing full well where the children are concerned I worry and want to know what he is planning,travel,where they will be staying etc.

His parting piece before going up to bed was well I may as well go to bed as there has been no sexual activity since christmas.

Of course ,silly me,just want a woman wants,a DH who comes home pissed and shouts at them ,that will turn a woman on everytime!!

Par for the course really,just thought if I wrote it down and other people read it an commented it might become clearer.

I know I sound unhinged but I don't let my worries ,anxieties affect my children I hide it from them and everyone else ,it's just inside I am fit to burst.

Sorry,did'nt realise I had written so much.

Don't worry about writing to much - there's lots of us listening

Is he always like this? Or is it just because he was drinking? Or doe she drink every night befor ehe comes home?

At least you said something to him so he knows you don't like it.

Sorry, I seem to have 'delayed space bar diease'. "does he drink every night before he comes home?"

Hi there, have you been to your GP about the panic attacks, maybe he can help you. Is there any time you can sit down with DH when he hasnt been drinking to tell him how you feel. I know it is easy for me to give advice not being in that situation. Me and my DH are going to relate at the moment because we have had 2 years of arguments and it was either make or break. When he realised I was serious he agreed to come with me and things are lokking better already. Hope you get some help / advice soon. Thinking of you. x

You need a break tired one how old are your dcs? Is there anyone you can talk to face to face or phone to phone? gp or hv? thinking of you

He is always like that when he has been drinking a lot.

He drinks most nights ,a can or two or a glass of wine or 2 at home.
It's when that is on top of what he has had at the poub it becomes a problem.

I can see how he got in an arguement at the pub as he can be sarcastic and nasty and rude when he is drinking.

I have in the past a few years ago been to the GP about the panic attacks and had some cognitive therapy but things have started to slide again.
Am constantly worrying about my DS and todays accurance at the school worried me even more that my son may get bullied.

My children are 5 and 7 and we have no family nearby to help out.
My parents passed away a few yaers ago and DH' s parents live overseas.

I can't see DH agreeing to relate he thinks they all busybodies.

As for HV's have had bad experiences in the past.
Also being the carer for my son I don't want to be seen as not coping,I have to be strong for him.

I've just been re-reading your OP.

"He reckons I am heading for a nervous breakdown." and so realising this he helps you by...??

Chocogirls is right - the first thing you need to do is get help for the panic attacks. Hopefully that will help you what things you can bring back under control in your life. Keep talking on here - its a very good start to getting help!

(and well done for posting that OP, its a brave mood to put it out in the open and call it a problem)

ditzzy-exactly what I thought when he said I am heading for a nervous breakdown,then why is he behaving this way?
Perhaps that is what he wants?

Maybe he hates the fact I cope most of the time and he drinks when he can't cope with something,so he wants to bring me down to.

I know I have a problem.
It's the last thing I think of at night and the first thing in the morning.
Planning out my day in my head and what stressful things I have to do that day and how I will get through it.
I hate myself for it and want to do something about it for my childrens sake.

I look at other mothers in the playground and think why can't I be more outgoing and confident,how do they do it?

He doesn't actually want you to have a breakdown. If that happened he would have to survive on his own (AND look after the kids). Trust me he needs you far too much.

I reckon you're far more confident than you realise too. Not only do you cope day to day with all of this (including DH) but you realise you do too - did you notice you wrote that in your last post? That you cope most of the time. Anyone who can say that is doing pretty alright. No wonder he's threatened by you!

As for the other mums in the playground... they all start out as terrified as you too. Have you seen how many threads there are on here asking how to start talking to other playground mums?

In the area where i live we have a really good network caled community parents where parents with a bit of spare time give it to other parents and children who need a little support.Its great.wondered if there might be something similar in your area?here,they can be accessed through childrens centres health visitors or gp.or yourself if you know where they are.hope this helps

I suspose like I said to DH tonight that I have to cope,I am the mother.
When things go wrong it always seems to be the mother at fault.
I have been to enough school meetings etc in the dealings with my son to know that the professionals always point the finger at the mother.

I just can't go to the pub when things get on top of me and stay out when I feel like it.
DH feels because he is the breadwinner that entitles him to this.

Thanks KAT1979-will look into it.
Sound like something I might enjoy and might help to stop me focusing on my anxieties.

Poor you, you sound ground down.
Is your son getting the help he needs? Has he had a statement? Have you been to see the statutory Special Needs Advisory Project folk (every authority has them) to check out your rights?

What are you doing every day while your kids are at school? Might a job or a hobby give you a boost?

Your dh is being immature and irresponsible.Write down how you feel in a letter and give it to him.

moondog-My son does have a statement and has a 1:1 at school who keeeps me up to date on a day to day basis which is really good for DS and me.

Whilst the children are at school I tend to catch up on housework,may go for a walk if I feel likethat day and am not feeling to panicky or I read a lot and listen to music to relax.

Enquired about getting a job but at the moment DS has lots ofappointmenst coming up and finding an employer who would understand this would be difficult.

I have no family nearby ethier to help with childcare over the school holidays.

I have written numerous letters in the past to DH ,one fairly recently but nothing gets through.

Being home alone with no company doesn't do anyone any good. Do you do anything with other people?

Your dh is being an arse,no doubt about that.

So sad to hear how you feel re your ds and others (I'm a salt in field of SN) but remember that kids are mean to and about each other all the time, SN or not.

The 1:1 sounds great.A little classtime slot on being nice to and helping each other might not go amiss.Something to suggest?

moondog-I don't really have any friends as such only people I may chat to in the playground.

I know all children can be mean it just relly cut me up today and then DH came home being a pratt I just did'nt need it.

They are runningcourses on buliding your confidence in our local collage,Idid think about going along for a session.

Also been threatning to learn to drive for sometime,not sure if that is an option at the moment.

Years ago I trained as a samaritian believe it or not and have always liked helping others,maybe something voluntary again to at least get me out of the house.

Sounds like a good idea the classtime slot,will put it to the 1:1

You need to do something for yourself and for other people.
Don't waste your life hiding in the house.
Your ideas sound great, go for them.

Thanks moondog,I know it makes sense.

You kindly allowed me to e mail you a couple of weeks ago (I was under a diffrent mumsnet name) re issues with a school meeting we had and I took your advice and took the bull by the horns and spoke to the headmistress.
We had a good chat and at least that's one less thing to worry about.

T&W - if you trained as a Samaritan, you obviously have empathy with people. Have you thought of training as a professional counsellor?

If you have lost confidence with being a SAHM, do that confidence building course. It will pay dividends and help you to talk to DH when he is sober. Could you suggest you and he have a 'date' once a week or so? Put your children to bed, have a meal together - go out if you have a sitter - and talk about how you feel about each other without alcohol (or just a little to relax you ). If he thinks you are heading for a breakdown, ask him what he would like to do to help support you. But don't do this when he's drunk. There's no point confronting him when he's been to the pub. He won't hear you (I know this from experience!)

Also, does the school have a PTA or Friends group? I didn't know how to talk to the other mums when DD started school. Joining the Friends group made me friends who are still friends 10 years later. You need to break your isolation. Feeling alone is the worst thing! . And if you are involved in the school, through the PTA or helping in the classroom, it will give your DS some importance amongst his peers which may help prevent any possible teasing.

Tanee58-am not sure I am in a good position at the moment to council others,although it is something I would be interested in doing.

The confidence course does sound like a good idea,not sure what to expect though.

I know I should'nt disciuss things with DH when he has been drinking but I never learn and need to get it out in the open there and then.

Meant to say there is a PTA at the school not sure about the friends group,I could enquire.

TAWO, hope you are feeling better today and glad the emailing was of help.

Try the confidence course. It might be an assertiveness course. I did a one-day assertive course through work this week and it was really good. It will help you feel better about yourself and that will impact on your relationships with others. It will take some work, though . I don't feel instantly transformed yet, but I do feel it's possible.

The school PTA may function as a 'friends' group (they are usually very similar, but just a different name). Ours arranged activities for the children or parents like discos, fairs and quiz nights, and just meeting once a week whilst organising something built friendships - plus those of us who weren't working full time started doing things together while the kids were in school - even just trips to Ikea or coffee - and as the kids got older we started going out together in the evenings too. It helped my confidence no end and DD liked it that I was involved in the school.

Oh, and DO learn to drive. You've no idea how liberated you'll feel when you know you can just get in the car and go somewhere nice . When I feel low I sometimes just drive off into the country or to a park for a walk, and feel so much better being out of the house. And it'll be a useful skill if intend to work later on.