I hate my mother and I don't think I can get past it this time.

[suburbanjellybrain]

I started a www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/692277-to-tell-my-Mum-she-can-39-t-buy-that a couple of days ago about my mum and her finances and my overinvolvement thereof.

Now I am still seething about this issue to the extent that I hate her in a way I haven't done since my teens. I am scaring myself with the venomous thoughts entering my head and I think this may well cause difficulties next time we are in contact. I need some help getting past my feelings.

I have just attempted to talk to dh but he is in his room and behind his desk playing his bloody internet role playing game so I had to leave before I shouted 'stop staring at the effing screen and wriggling that effing mouse and effing look at me' - if me saying 'I think I hate my mother' does not rouse him from his raid I may as well give up - but that is perhaps a different thread!

My Mum is a depressive, childish, and paranoid character - my childhood/ young adult memories are filled with her sadness, anger, her hatred of my dad and her suicide attempts. I am having trouble recalling fun, laughter and carefree times allthough I am sure there are some. There is no denying she is a difficult person to get along with - but before now I have had a mainly good relationship with her. She is good with very young children she loves baking, my kids love her snd she them. She is intelligent though never got a proper education. She has had a very difficult life.

But I do not like her - I have always loved her and that has got us through but I find her presence in a room often sucks the joy out of the moment, adds tension and causes anxiety - I worry about how she is feeling, try to jolly her along - or I become irritable with her and snappy (neither approaches a natural or comfortable to me or her).

Now I no longer want to give her a nice bierthday present - the thought of hugging her abhors me, I don't want to monitor her bank accounts and manage her communications with the local authority/ benefits agency etc. anymore. I want to shout f- off in her face - that shocks me, I am not like that this is wrong.

Please someone reassure me that I can get beyond this feeling.

I am refering to this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/692277-to-tell-my-Mum-she-can-39-t-buy-that sorry my last link was wrong.

hi suburbanjellybrain,
my mum is a depressive, childish, paranoid character too. her hatred of my dad and her suicide attempts also haunt me.
the only reason i know you can't be my sister is because they have NEVER had a good relationship.

it so hard and it sounds to me like you are in that place i get to where i imagine physical fights and all the cruel things i would say to her if i completely lost my rag with her. i do get beyond this feeling but it's a tiring process, it helps to get those thoughts out i find.

in her defence, my mother is ill with mental and physical problems and for this reason i maintain the relationship.

so i don't know what advice to give you really. some will say cut contact, that she is toxic and you should move on. others will judge you for not liking your mother.

but rest assured you are not the only person who feels like this.

I'm another one who feels the same way about my Mother, she is also extemely toxic and is a twisted person, never nice to me to my face, always trying to put me down and make me feel down yet to everyone else she is so proud of me and adores me.

To give you a taster of what she is like, when I phoned her to tell her I had been for a scan with DB3 and it looks like the baby was dead as it wasn't the right size at first she said "oh SK you can get small babies you know, you are righting this baby off awfully quick" even though the sonographer had told me to prepare for the worst then "well maybe it's for the best 3 DC would be too dear and no one has big families these days"

I have all but cut her out my life, I have left the door open for her to visit the DDs but she says she cannot afford the train fare (lie) but I will not visit her or phone her, I last spoke to her 2 days after Christmas when I phoned her she didn't phone to wish DD2 a Happy Birthday this week but gave my Brother a card to give to her.

I honestly don't miss her but I so miss having a Mother around. Sucking the joy out the room is my Mother to a tee.

It hurts not to a have a Mother like your friends have but I think you sometimes have to move on and focus on your own family that is what I am trying to do.

Thank you waxon (I like your name) I need some zen thinking right now... I do have lots of sisters (3) but you probably aren't one

Yes I don't feel good about not liking Mum - I think I do need to give it time - my good memories will come back. It is so much easier to recall all the good times with my Father even though he died 16 years ago or maybe because of that.

I also probably need to let go a bit and try not to take her finacial situation so personally. Although that is hard when it has been me (and my supersonic half sister who lives in same town as mum and is her step daughter) who have had to sort out the difficulties she has been in. She has such a tiny income and is nor able to work that she doesn't actually need to be a spendthrift to get into debt - it is difficult for her to manage \i understand that. But she can abdicate responsibility one minute and then expect me to respect her choices the next - you just canm't have it both ways.

God SK I am sorry - your Mum sounds worse than mine.

I won't be cutting Mum out of my life as I want my children to have a relationship with her - and I don't think I could do it anyway no matter how tempting at times. But I have to find a way of rising above the bad vibes and maintaining my calm exterior. That can be so hard. But writing down how I feel has been a good release - thank you for responding.

TS Eliot had it right when he said 'they fuck you up your mum and dad'

hmm, i was just convinced to change my name back. thanks though, i liked it too.

take a break from thinking about your mum and concentrate on the people who appreciate you for now. when you feel stronger, you can allow her back in on your terms.

i've come to accept that my mum doesn't understand her own behaviour, that my relationship with her is not more important than my relationship with DH and the kids, that it is my job to prioritise my roles, and that until she needs an executor or something, she really isn't my responsibility.

take some time to figure it out for yourself and don't beat yourself up about it.

Sorry I did prefer the previous name though it is a bit of a mouthfull - Dragonbutter is too much like a character in Dh's bloody Everquest and I am not feeling charitable about that game right now..

I will give myself time and may well screen out calls from her until I can speak calmly again. Although I sometimes wonder if I have protected her from my true feelings sometimes - she always reckons I am transparent as I do show how I feel in my face even if I don't/ won't say - but she really doesn't know the half of it!

I really want to get out of her finacial business but if I do I woorry that my lovely sister will end up picking up the pieces next time there is a problem - and she isn't Mums daughter - and she hads loads of children and too much on her plate as it is (not to mention her own mad mother!) - so I just can't.

I may ask my younger sister or brother to take responsibility for a bit though - not sure how they would react to that mind...

Would suggest you look at the Toxic Parents thread on these pages and post there too. I would also suggest you read Toxic Parents written by the same author.

I would not judge you at all harshly for not liking your Mum; going purely by what you have written she does sound both toxic and damaging to your own mental health. You've all suffered at her hands. Toxic parents as well are adept at not taking responsibility or giving any meaningful apology.

You cannot fix someone like this though nor should you try to. Please as well do not enable her by giving her money or trying to help her out financially; she will keep sucking you dry until there is nothing left.

Thank you Atilla - I will look at the thread you have suggested - though I am not going to cut mum out of my life.

For all her faults - she had a truly horrendous childhood and to be honest she did amazingly well raising three children as well as she did - I always knew that I was loved and valued. Her problems escalated after my father died and left her widowed in her early 40's - she has not coped and needed help that social services andf NHS seemed incapable of providing.

I just find it so very wearying being her daughtr and long for a little recognition that just bcause money is there it doesn't all have to be spent immediatly. I did learn that eventually - so why can't she? And while she is at it she can learn some social skills and stop being so bloody self obsessed and bitter.

I am feeling calmer about it today - helped by my beautiful children, Still can't talk to her though.

suburbanjelly, I have read your OP and just skimmed the rest, so sorry if I am repeating anything.

Do you think you hate your mum because she hasn't really been a proper mum to you? The link you posted to your other thread - you telling her she shouldn't be buying the new sofa - it seems that you are the mum and she is the child.

Do you think that is what you are angry about?