So then, should I aproach this with my Mum, and if so HOW?!

[MinkyBorage]

My Mum is staying here tonight, and dh is out so it could be a good opportunity to talk to her.
I need to type this quickly, so will be over-simplifying terribly.
Basically, several (20?) years ago she suffered with a thyroid prob which she has bnever properly treated, I think she fears no longer being a vibrant active person.
She is an extremely complicated person, possibly due to a dreadful upbringing.
She has always had serious problems dealing with anger and is constantly on a short fuse, especially with my Dad.
Her relationship with my Dad is essentially abusive, she is becoming increasingly violent, smashing glasses on his head. She recently asked a good friend of his to come round and mediate a row and then proceeded to describe my Dad as manipulative, a lyer, a bully etc etc (non of which is remotely true). She told me that a friend of Dads had died, and was angry when I told Dad as she said I shouldn't have interfered. She is becvoming increasingly irrational.

Dad has had enough, and is on the verge of leaving, not least because all she ever says to him is shrieked and along the lines of "fuck off out of my house".
He know she is ill, but can't tolerate this any longer.
I have no idea how to approach this with her, the other day she slammed the phone dowm on my bro when he treid to get her to go to the docs about thyroid prob.
I suspect that she has been depressed for years, but somehow focusses all the blame and anger on to Dad.
She will not cope well when he leaves, whereas I think he will feel tremendously relieved.
She is staying at the moment and is fab with my dc, I don't want her to get angry and leave, for a variety of reasons, 1) it gives Dad a bit of space to work out what the hell to do, 2) my bro or I might be able to talk to her again, 3) I'm 7 months pg and bloody knackered and could do with the help (this last one is kind of tongue in cheek, but her helping me out at least gives her a bit of space too)
Help!

God, that's too long, far too messy,.
Don't balme anyone for not answering

Thyroid problems are easily treated. I suspect she isn't treating her overactive thyroid adequately as it gives her an excuse to blow her top. Most people with thyrotoxicosis aren't agressive and unpleasant. They just lose weight and feel tired and get palpitations and feel anxious. The aggression is either her personality or depression, or more likely a bit of both. I would try and discuss things with her and make it clear that if your dad and her split up your sympathies are with your dad as you think she is being unpleasant and abusive. Support your dad.

Is therapy an option for her? It sounds like she could use it ... Or something ... Your poor father, and poor you and your brother.

How awful for you. I have no suggestions to make other than dont try to deal with it yourself but try and get her to the drs, maybe its diabetes or something else. Just wanted to offer sympathy really. Good luck.

MinkyBorage

Her awful childhood is directly responsible for her being extremely complicated as a person. This is coming out in her showing aggression towards her H, your Dad. Not really surproised to see therefore that he is now planning to leave her.

Do you think she is now showing signs of dementia?. I would speak to your GP about your Mum asap. This woman though may not accept any help that you offer and may dismiss any therapy; you need to bear that in mind.

Treating her thryroid problem will not change her basic personality.

So sadly pinning your hopes on her accepting treatment and then becoming a nicer kinder person is probably unrealistic.

If it were all down to her thyroid then she would be smashing glasses over everyone's head - not just your dad...

Thank you for replies, I didn't get a chance to read them last night, but they've made me feel a bit better this morning. Thank you.
I decided to talk to her last night, and she went off the deep end very quickly, was very cross that she thought I was 'taking Dad's side', and refused to believe that I have/had any genuine concerns about her health, which is when I decided to tell her, by way of proof of my concern, that I had infact called her GP to tell him I was worried about her. She was furious, and at 9:30pm decided to get her boots on and go home (a 3 hour journey on public transport!), I persuaded her to stay the night, and after I sat and listened to her rant and ramble for over an hour she agreed to stay. I swear I didn't say a word for an hour.
She has told me that she is determined that (long story short) she will be keeping the house, and sounds like she is going to be extremely difficult with regards to divorce proceedings. Of course she won't be able to keep the house, but will be able to dig her heels in for a couple of years.

Anyway, after a night from hell, she managed to leave without me seeing her.

She really is losing the plot, and I do worry what she will do next, it's crossed my mind that she will try to contact my GP to teach me a lesson. (Not that that will be a huge problem I don't suppose, as I have no health problems, mental or otherwise, and a good relationship with GP, but it would be unpleasant and upsetting!)

Attilla, when I spoke to her GP, I didn't mention the possibility of dementia, and he has since had conversation with my Dad where he sad that he thought it would be a good idea to get Mum's thyroid checked. She has always been like this, i.e. angry, but she is becoming less 'decent' somehow, and increasingly abusive. I wonder whether dementia is a thought, it hadn't really crossed my mind. Thanks.
gagarin, good pioint when you say "If it were all down to her thyroid then she would be smashing glasses over everyone's head - not just your dad..."

NQC, I wish so much that she would consider therapy, but there is no way, she thinks she is an expert as she used to be a hypnotherapist (for about 2 years) so had to study quite a bit of psychology, and she is obsessed by the idea that Dad needs therapy. She is the only person in the world who is right, and EVERYBODY else is wrong.

The way I feel this morning, I just feel like writing her out of my life for a while.

It sounds as though she definitely wants a divorce as does your dad. It may be that not being happy in the marriage is making her more unpleasant. It doesn't sound as though she has significant dementia if she can manage 3 hours of public transport and start scheming as to how to get the most from a divorce.
It sounds as though your dad needs to see a family law solicitor.

Minky

She may be showing signs of dementia but equally this may also be another facet of an untreated and perhaps untreatable personality disorder.

I am wondering as well whether your Mother is also narcissitic.

Your Dad needs your support more than ever now.

Tank you for replies. 2rebecca, yes, I think that's what he's planning, although he's not acting anywhere near quickly enough for my liking, but I guess I should step back a bit.

Attila, hadn't even considered the narcissitic thing, She is a peculiar mass of contradictions. She is actually quite sel;f effacing, and I suspect has quite a low opinion of herself. She is attractive, but not arrogant at all. She finds compliments very difficult to deal with. However, she is extremely defensive/ paranoid if she suspects any piss taking or lack of respect, and doesn't like being critisised at all. I'll have a scan for information about personality disorders, that's a really good point.

When she became rpegnant with me, she gave up a successful career in nursing which she loved and never went back to. She has always worked, and hard, and has sacrifised a lot to have a family, but blames my Dad for this. She has not prioritised her own needs and desires, but has become very resentful. When we were growing up, she was controlling, and angry, but also could be fun and light, especially with others. She always says her greatest priority was to ensure that my brothers and I were close, and she worked hard to do this. She never played us off against eachother and carefully encouraged our friendships with eachother, and this I would say is her greatest achievement.

Her memory however is completely warped. She mis remembers most things, and always remembers in her favour. Last night she told me that she never told us off when we were small, which is almost the opposite of my memory. She tells direct untruths, although is adamant that her 'version' of reality is the only reliable truth. She absolutely denies certain things she did, and will not tolerate these 'lies' being spoken about.

God, I'm really offloading here, please don't feel obliged to read or answer.

btw Attila, I've just been having a scan of an old thread of mine about Mum 'running away' from home, and you were a tremendous support and help on there too, so thank you!

This is quite interesting on this topic

This is also good

I wish I knew some answers here. My mum is quite similar - she behaves irrationally and with total disregard for the feelings of others, then goes absolutely mental when challenged, no matter how gently.

She also focusses endlessly on how my step dad is to blame for all this and how he needs to 'change', but in reality she just uses him as an excuse for her own occasionally appalling behaviour.

I deal with it by not dealing with it. She desperately wants people to agree with her and say 'poor you, your DH is a twat' but they are never going to, as he is actually a paragon of patience.

I just leave them to it. They're actually great fun a lot of the time but when it kicks off in any way shape or form, I simply leave the room and I have refused to comment on their relationship for so long that my mum no longer tries to get me to take sides.

Good luck - it sounds as if you are dealing with some very difficult issues there.

omg Minky just read your last post. My mum does that all the time - totally re-writes history.

People have said to me 'just tell her to shut up' or whatever, but they don't get it. You can't tell my mum to shut up. She is always willing to be more angry/ upset/ shouty then anybody else and so wins every argument.

Or, there's the nuclear option when she's under any attack: 'my husband had cancer'. yes, he did have cancer but that doesn't excuse you acting like a complete git, mother!

Oh dear.

If there is one thing Minky I have learn't about mumsnet I'm not the only one with Toxic parents , (which I'm def going to purchase before the end of the week!)

But I'm not an expert but I have an underactive thyroid and I'm not sure that your mothers thyroid problem is solely to blame for her behaviour

please remember to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and you would cope if you had to, as I have learn't, if your mother didn't speak to you

Thanks GettingaGrip, that's really interesting. My Mum does definitely have some narcissitic personality traits, for instance not being able to take criticism, searching out conflict and criticism. She is very hard on herslef and often others. She is a completeky ott host,a nd feeds and waters guests to within an inch of their lives.
However, she (or used to be anyway!) very empathetic, and very, perhaps over-sensitive to others' needs. She is extraordinarily affected by the news, and bad things happening to people, and worries ceaselessly about my brothers'. She doesn't have delusions of grandeur.
Hmmmmm, I need to think about this. I really believe she is fundamentally a good kind person, as I've said before she is truly wonderful and loving and selfless with my dc, she adores them unconditionally! But with the people close to her, essentially my Dad, but also myself and bro a bit, she is becoming a terrible, dangerous,tyrant!

ooh morriszapp and plumbbummum, x posted, I'll be back later, must wash my children!

I'm afraid I would be inclined to 2nd what other posters have said anout dementia being a possibility.

A colleague of mine was in a very similar situation to yours. For whatever reasons they had at the time, she and her brother took her Mum at face value (she had long term health issues and was accusing husband of neglecting her and having affairs) and were all for her kicking their father out, divorcing etc.

It was only when the father was also taken ill and my colleague had to become a carer for them it became apparent that their mum had basically been living in a complete fantasy world and their dad had been trying to cope with it all on his own for well over a year.

But surely dementia would show up in all her relationships - including her grandchildren? It's not something you can pick and choose. Sounds much more like a personality issue.

omg morriszapp, we could be talking about the same person, except the space between 'episodes' has got progressively smaller, and no longer seems to exist!
PlumBumMum, thanks, I think you're right re thyroid, I've been hoping that we could blame something like that, but posting here has made me realise that it is far more complicated. Hmmmm.
Yes, agree re dementia too, I guess it would be impossible for her to cope in some situations and not others if she was suffering from demetia.
Apparently when she went home she was pretty contrite for a millisecond, and is back to being bolshy again. but not yet aggressive.