did i make the right decision to cut off all ties...long i apologise

[mumnotarobot]

Brief summary. I met ex dh three years ago. Three yrs ago i had a lot of issues. I was a single mum trying to get to grips with things. My ds was 2 and half. The realtionship was more than great both families got on etc that sort of thing. Infact still do. However as people me and ex dh were changing. We stilled loved eachother but we were not agreeing on the same things and we were beginning to want different things. I want to settle down, get married have more kids. He wants to do the same but not know. He is 29 and still feels he has to sort alot out. I understand, i do. But i am afraid to stick around and then 5 yrs later he still isnt ready for marriage or a serious commitment. The hardest part of all of this is, we still love each other. Neither of us have moved on etc, but i dont want to waste my life waiting on possibilities. I want more for e and my ds now 6. My ds loves my ex dh and calls him dad. I just dont feel he realises what it really means to be a parent, dont get me wrong he has been a great dad for the past three yrs to my son. But since this year has started he has seen him once not to mention he hasnt called as much as usual. My son surprisingly hasnt mentioned daddy.
Last night i made a decision, to cut off all ties. I havent told my mum or my son. As i said both families are very close. And as far as they are concerned we are together forever.
Hvae i done the correct thing- i guess some would say only i can decide that. But was it right for me to cut off ties completely. Its just it hurts so much when you have given your time and heart to someone and only to realise the road you are both heading is not the same. Almost like we are speaking different languages. On the other hand, i dont know if im being impatient. I understand his reasons for not wanting to settle down yet. Y'see his finances are obsolute, he wants all hours trying to make ends meet. And i guess if im honest i want more for him and i. He is afraid he wont be much of a father to me and my son if he cant provide for us. Ive cried and just writing this post brings me to tears. And my fears are have i rusehed things by cutting off ties.

Helpful advice needed. Thanks in advance x

please excuse my spelling errors...

What did he say when you told him you were cutting him out of your life?

i havent heard anything. I sent him a text following the phone conversation. This has been ongoing for a while now and the last time he did say to me he isnt happy that he was making me unhappy and felt like the bad guy.

So why did he marry you if he wasn't ready to be a family man and settle down? (how did you come to be married?)

Hasn't he effectively already cut ties by not being in contact with your DS this year?
You do seem a bit unreasonable, but I do understand your reasons for it. What I don't understand is why, if you both love each other, you can't make it work. I feel that there is alot more to this than what you are saying (or what your dp/dh is saying)

we arent married lovemygirls.

He is a good dad. But has beenvery distant off late due to work and him trying to 'sort his life out'. I wish there was alot more to it but this is it. Theres no other man etc. Its just two people who love each other wanting different things. Ysee i can understand why you would think i was depriving my son of his father. But he has seen my son once this year so far, and although he has called, that is not enough. He used to come down once or twice a week. They had their boys day ect. And now its all work work work. We dont have a place in his life. My easons are selfish, but its cause im hurting and seeing my son hurt isnt good. He may not speak out how he feels but i know my son. He hasnt seen daddy he knows he hasnt been calling me etc this must be effecting him also. And that is why i made my decision. Because i cant do this anymore. I feel like im waiting on someone for me to move on.

Ahhh ok so he's your ex dp, ok so really he is the one who has cut you off and now you're saying enough is enough, you are not waiting you are going to move on, I think possibly subconciously you are hoping he will say "I want you, I'm ready, I can't risk losing you forever etc" ??

I don't think it sounds like that it what he will do tbh so I do think you need to move on, concentrate on making you and your ds happy, theres nothing stopping you from being friends if you want to though?

Y'see this is the part which confuses me. He doesnt think he has cut me off. He seems pretty much level headed about the fact that he is still very much in this and wnats it to last. He just doesnt want marriage now as i do. He wants the relationship just not the marriage, kids etc this moment. And i on the otherhand im ready for all that. And i cant risk waiting for him. Incase he never gets to that time when he is ready. And i have wasted time waiting on him.

If you have a child with someone you can never cut them out of your life totally if you love your children. People can be great parents despite being lousy partners. It's only January, only 1 visit this year isn't that disasterous. You can decide you don't want much to do with him, but children need all the loving adults in their life that they can get. If he wishes to see his son then you are being selfish and mean to try and stop that. Carry on with your own life by all means, but don't try and rule your son's. Even an infrequent dad who loves him is better than no dad.

I was 19 with a 2yr old when I met dp (also 19 at the time) said he wasn't ready for children etc but after 6mths he did come and live with us then after a few years and a lot of talking and sometimes me crying we decided to have a baby when dd2 was about 2 I said I thought getting married would be a good idea now he asked me last year and we're getting married later this year, next week is our 7 yr anniversary, sometimes these things take time but the difference here i think is your ex dp doesn't live with you and he isn't that young so I can see why you feel like you do tbh.

Maybe some time apart will make him realise you won't wait forever but I wouldn't bank on it and would concentrate on you and you ds and if someone else happens to come along then see where that takes you

i know. But he is not my sons natural father. I did specify that. Its like when he is ready he a father to my son. And that i cant stand for. My sons loves his daddy. But my ex isnt understanding what he did the moment he bought the package deal and allowed my son to call him daddy. I mean if there bond wasnt the way it was and my son had his natural father in his life maybe this decision wouldnt hurt me as much.

I don't think I explained myself very well, dd1 isn't dp's bio dd we've had dd2 together since then and dd1 doesn't see another dad, he is her only dad and always will be no matter what. I guess the difference is that my dp thought very long and hard about if he wanted to be her dad before he let her call him daddy.

Have you explained this to your ex?

To be fair to your ex he said all along he wasn't ready but I can also see from your POV that everythign else is perfect so why doesn't he just be part of your family....

Have you spoken to him about the providing thing? Maybe if you lived together you could pool your money and support each other so he can still work hard but have time for you and you ds?

I got confused with you calling him your husband when you have never been married and talking about him being a father to your son when he has never been your son's father, he was a sort of stepfather figure. I think being a stepparent is very different to being a parent. My cuurrent husband will never love my kids the way their dad does. He only has a relationship with them because he loves me. In the same way I don't think of myself as my stepkids mother.
Your situation is complicated by your son's father not being on the scene. If he was then perhaps you wouldn't put all this pressure on your boyfriend/exboyfriend to be a father figure.
Most men I know aren't as into the domestic/ family thing as their women. They don't seem to need children in their lives to feel fulfilled and can find it all stifling. If you want more of the domestic bliss stuff it looks like you may need to find a different man. On the other hand you could meet a different man and get married and have another kid then be divorced in 5 years. I think to an extent you have to live your life in the moment and if your relationship with him is good if you don't push him to be more committed then could you be happy as you are now?

sorry im new here and not used to the abbreviaitons i assumed dh was partner. Its interesting you just say that 2rebecca jujst got off phone to mum and his mum, and they both said the same thing. I think i want marriage and kids to fufil my life and i am not enjoying what we have. But that still doesnt help the fact that we dont see each other due to his busy schedule.
thanks x