Casual mentioning of exP. Odd, I think.

[CrushaGrape]

Originally posted in chat, but reporting here as is a far more appropriate place:

DP was a bit pissed when he came home last night, and we were talking about his age, and that he is going to be 39 in a few months time. He then said, "(male friend) is going to be 39 later this month. (ex partner) is going to be 40". I was taken aback by this, but as he was pissed, I just went to bed and decided to ask him about it tonight instead.

To put this in context - he and his exP were together for a decade. A few years after they broke up, he and I got together. They were supposedly 'friends' at this stage, although a 'friend' wouldn't have refused to see his current partner (me); she was still very angry about their break up, and he felt very guilty about it. 18 months into my relationship with him, he got very drunk when out with her, slept with her, and left me. After a couple of weeks he told her he'd made a mistake and wanted me back, and eventually (after lots of humming and hawing on my part) we got back together.

Part of the deal is no contact, which he says he understands and is fine with, as he knows what he did was shitty and horrible. This is why I find it so odd that so long after all this happened (the cheating on me bit was three years ago), he casually mentions her turning 40 to me. He mentioned her in another context a month or so ago, which also surprised me, as we don't talk about her. It suggests to me that he must think about her quite a bit - otherwise she wouldn't spring to his mind.

I know I can't police his thoughts, and I don't want to. I am just concerned. It seems odd. Doesn't it?

Did he have children with his ex-P? Only asking because my ex-P is often mentioned even after splitting up over 7 years ago - but he's still on the scene as he's DS's dad IYSWIM.

I know it sucks but it is very hard to erase someone from your memories when you've been with them for 10 years
I often thnk bout ex's, especilly on dates which remind me of them , like their birthday, but I'm careful bout not mentioning them in front of dh
you're understandable insecure though because of the past, do you hve any reason to think they might still be in contact?

He doesn't have children with her, no. This was part of the guilt thing he had towards her - a few months after they broke up the first time around (long before he and I had met) they had sex, she got pregnant, and she had an abortion because of the difficulty of the situation. He has said in the past that he feels bad for her that she is approaching 40, has not been in a LTR since him, and it is a possibility that she may now not have children. He and I are meant to be TTC our first, which is why I joined MN (supposedly, but I'm not sure that I'm ovulating, but that's another story. He also has no interest in sex, and hasn't had sex with me in months. But that's yet another story). God, put like this our relationship doesn't seem to have a lot going for it...

I know I can't expect him to never think about her. To be honest I've been thinking a lot lately about an exB I had amazing sex with, as I can't seem to get any from my partner. It would shock me if they were in touch; he is not good at deception, and I can't believe he would do so without telling me.

I don't think I've ever completely forgiven him. Sometimes I get really angry about it, but we've talked it though so much, and he doesn't know what else he is supposed to do or say to make me cope with it.

I can't stop crying now. I really don't want this to all fall apart, but I just have a bad feeling about us.

I agree with compo - its hard to totally erase someone after that length of time. I was with someone for 11 years who ....we split up and I am now happily married with a DD. I occasionally mention XP and we do birthday / Xmas cards (signed from me, DH and DD) and make the occasional phone call just to catch up. DH is fine with this....

Clearly he's thinking about her. That is not really surprising considering that for a decade of his life she was the most important person in it! I don't think you forget someone you have been in such a long relationship with.

That said, it's bloody stupid of him to talk to you about her, given the history.

Is it a threat to your relationship - ie is he having regrets or seeing her, or is he just reminiscing? I obv have no clue. All you can do is tell him how uncomfortable you feel and ask for his honesty. Ask him to tell you what the deal is.

(also reposted here )

Umm, i'm not sure. Its probably nothing but i'm always a bit wary of 'mentionitis' - would definitely have a chat about that and also the other areas of your relationship that are worrying you.

Good luck!

Was the abortion a joint decision? If so, I can understand him having some guilt about it, however the fact that she's approaching 40 and may not have children now isn't really anything to do with him is it? (Don't mean that to sound harsh).

A friend of my mum's was in a similar situation to your DP's ex - with her ex for many many years, they split up and he moved on very quickly but she didn't. She had her first baby when she was 41 (and a second some years after) so it's not an absolute no-hope situation for her.

His relationship with you should take priority and he's obviously really sorry about what he did to you. The birthday mention could be purely innocent (I even recall birthday's of BFs I had before DS's dad... absolutely nothing in it, it just registers when the day approaches).

Good luck with this Crusha

Really sorry to ask this but has he been thinking about her because he got her pregnant but for whatever reason, you two haven't managed to conceive?

I think you need to decide if this relationship is what you want and then talk to him.

Maybe he is mentioning her because any feelings of guilt have gone because he does not see her as threat to your relationship.

10 years is a long time.

I still think about my ex boyfriend (from 9 years ago) even though I actually dislike him and I think "oh he will be 40 in 3 years, he won't like that" etc etc. You just get too used to them being a part of your life.

He should be more sensitive than to mention it to you though, as he knows it upsets you.

My DH mentions his ex girlfriend occassionally. They were not together long but there was a bit of an over lap between she and I so its always an issue for me. He lied to me about it and said it was over between them but I think he was gently sliding me in to her place, not nice. He says that I would like her?!

Maybe some people just do not think.