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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

jealous of dh's relationship with another girl

16 replies

anna456 · 28/01/2009 12:53

The background: My dh has had a good friend, who is a girl, for around 12 years (we've been together for 4). For most of that time they've been 'just good friends', apart from a short period of time when they slept together two or three times (I think it went on for a couple of weeks and my dh was depressed at the time). He told me he felt sick after each time they did it - that it was like sleeping with his sister. He went away travelling and when he came back, they must have somehow decided they could only be friends, as he didn't feel 'that way' about her, though I know she felt strongly for him. Since then, she has had one or two serious boyfriends and is currently with one who she is desperate to marry. She and my dh still see each other once every two months or so, and I see her too - with or without my dh.

My problem is I still wonder if there is anything simmering underneath (on her side; I definitely don't think there is on his). She is lovely about me and our marriage and our dd, and she is v happy with her boyf, but I recently found a fairly intimate card she had sent to my dh years ago, which he has kept alongside b'day cards etc. from previous girlfriends. I know there's nothing going on but I just can't help feeling jealous. What's wrong with me and how can I stop?!

OP posts:

fluffyanimal · 28/01/2009 12:56

Your dh keeps birthday cards from previous girlfriends? has he no sensitivity?
I don't think there's anything wrong with you. It sounds like your dh doesn't do a great deal to reassure you in such matters.

surprisenumber3 · 28/01/2009 12:59

HI anna,i can related to this but from the other way round.

before I met my DH I had a fantastic friend who really helped me when I was with an abusive man, helped me leave, gave me somewhere to stay etc, just gave me a door key and somewhere to go basically when I needed to get out. A couple of times we were drunk/shared a bed/things happened but both times we were so upset by it after as it felt so wrong.

DH never liked our friendship and I haven't seen my friend for 6 years now, because of DH. He couldn't grasp the fact that there were no wrong feelings going on and took an instant dislike to him.

I know it's hard but I wouldn't expect your DH to totally lose friends with her, I would just try and be part of their relationship too, so that you can see there is nothing untoward going on. If she is inappropriate towards him at any time, then I would speak to your DH and explain your not comfortable with their friendship and hopefully he could walk away from it then.

surprisenumber3 · 28/01/2009 13:00

BTW, I threw all my DH cards etc from ex-gf's in the bin although I do have friends who are happy for their DH's to keep such things.

Tinker · 28/01/2009 13:02

I don't like his claim (if it is his) that he felt sick after each time he slept with her and that he was depressed at teh time - sorry, but don't but that at all. And it is he who has kept a card, not her.

No idea whether or not anything is going on/due to go on but please see that the relationship is not one-sided here

Tinker · 28/01/2009 13:03

I would be livid if someone threw away cards from previous relationships.

surprisenumber3 · 28/01/2009 13:07

tinker - i was clearing out his house at the time as he was moving in with me and asked him what he wanted me to do with them, he said bin them, and it was lovely to do so!

Tinker · 28/01/2009 13:09

Ah, I thought you were just rifling through his stuff and did it in a fit of pique.

theresonlyme · 28/01/2009 13:10

Does he realise he still has the card?

surprisenumber3 · 28/01/2009 13:11

no, but I don't know what I'd have said if he told me to keep them

Original poster

anna456 · 28/01/2009 13:11

Thanks Surprise - that is interesting and I think it is exactly what my dh's friend would say. He helped her when she was really down and I know she's always appreciated that. I just think my dh is a bit naive sometimes and even if he's moved on, right at the back of her mind I'm not sure she has.

OP posts:

Original poster

anna456 · 28/01/2009 13:28

I don't think he realises he still has the card - it's in a pile with a load of others and he hardly ever goes in that drawer. I went in to look for a tape measure and couldn't help myself. I've kept stuff that past boyfs have sent me so I guess I'm not in much of a position to judge him on that.

OP posts:

poshsinglemum · 01/02/2009 09:58

I understand that you are jealous and that is fairly normal but I don't think that people should throw out cards from previous relationships. Previous relationships are part of who we are. I think that he should be more descreet about where he keeps such things though. On the other hand, at least he is open and not decietful.

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 01/02/2009 13:49

Try to do some work on boosting your own self-esteem. Your DH is with you, not her, but he is entitled to have friends, particularly friends who were in his life before he met you. Only insecure and inadequate people find a jealous partner attractive, so try not to make whiny demands that your partner destroy or dispose of his belongings because they upset you: it's very off-putting.

Schnullerbacke · 01/02/2009 17:27

With me the shoe is on the other foot. I used to go out with by ex-boyfriend for 10 years, then we split up and I ended up with DH. We have now been together 8 years and I am still friends with the ex-bf. We meet for dinner every couple of months, even went on a holiday / concert together and talk on the phone occasionally. I have also kept some of his cards / photos, not because I still have some hidden feelings for him but because they remind me of the great time we used to have.

And thinking about the great times we used to have, it's not that I think about it and wish I wish I could have it all back. It was just a great time in a different country. Its part of my past which I like to remember about and thats about it. Today I am glad I am not together anymore with the ex-bf and would never ever ever want to be anymore.

So perhaps your DH feels the same. Perhaps he just really likes her as a friend and as someone else has said, he is together with you and not her. So be happy that he has a great friend and she seems to like you too so try not to worry.

LolaTheShowgirl · 01/02/2009 20:40

He felt sick after each time they slept together? Then after the first time they did this and he felt sick, why the hell didn't he put a stop to it?

Stupid man!

beanieb · 01/02/2009 21:02

Jealousy is normal but it sounds like she is now your friend too and that she is happy in her own relationship, so unless they (her and your husband)are extremely underhand I really don't think you should worry.

my OH's ex now lives with his brother. It's really not an issue.

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