ADVICE NEEDED PLEASE!!!! Sorry if v. long!

[twigsblankets]

I will try to keep this as short as poss. I have a 5 month old DD with my partner of 5 yrs. We have been having alot of arguments lately, mainly due to his controlling, mental and sometimes physical abuse, as well as his inability to be honest and hold down a full time job for very long.
To cut a long story short, we had a huge argument last night, which ended in me going out alone for a drive to calm down, leaving DD with partner. I left the house at about 10pm, but because I refused to tell him where I was going and what I was doing, he called his parents and the police within 10 minutes of me leaving. (I have tried to talk to his mother, because she insists on getting involved, but she wont hear anything negative about her son, and is convinced I have PND, which I have don't believe I have).
When I returned home, I discovered the police were on their way and so were DP's parents.
When police arrived and I explained why I had felt the need to leave the house, police asked if we were married, NO...and if my landlord was aware that my DP was living at my address, NO...and how long had he been living at my address, 4yrs....and then proceeded to inform me that my DP was refusing to leave the house without my DD, and although we aren't married, and there had been a physical altercation from DP to me earlier that evening, he had every right to remove DD from the house, and return her at his convenience, since his name is on the birth cert, and so he has parental rights.
I told the police that I suspected that the way things were, that if he did leave the house with DD (which my MIL would jump at the chance to be a surrogate mother IYSWIM)he wouldn't return her. Police told me that this wouldn't be a police matter, but if this happened, then I would have to apply to the courts to get him to return her home, by which time, it could be argued that she was settled with DP at MIL's house, and I am afraid DD would never be returned to me.

Since there were no bruises or marks to suggest there had been a physical altercation, the police couldn't take that into account.
I didn't want DD removing from my house by my DP, so the police suggested that I leave DP in the house with my DD, since he was saying he didn't trust me with DD, due to my state of mind. I tried to say I didn't want to leave my house, but the alternative if I didn't was for the police to suggest my DP left my house with DD and stayed with his mum at her house for god knows how long

In the end, I agreed to stay at a neighbours house for the night, and was ousted escorted out of my house by the police, only to find my PIL sitting in their car outside waiting I presume, for the police to leave.

It is only my name on the tenancy agreement, and we are not married. I have lived in my house for over 15 years, and DP will not even name himself on the electoral role, yet he has every right to remain in my house according to the police, due to him already having lived there for over 2 yrs, even if the landlord is unaware of this.
I now feel like if I want to end this relationship, I either have to walk away from my house and all I have built up in there for 15 yrs, or let him walk away with my DD, because he wont leave without her. He has said he will go to court and prove me an unfit mother. I just cannot believe the police wholeheartedly supported him, after I told them about the DV issue with him, and that they wont evict him from my house or stop him taking my DD with him to his mother's to live.

We have talked today, and his mother is so convinced I have PND, I have even gone to my Dr's today with my DP, who told the Dr he was concerned for my state of mind, only for the Dr to tell my DP and myself that he doesn't believe I have any kind of depression, more anger than depression and that we need realtionship counselling, and have us Relate's phone number.

My DP has agreed for the umpteenth time to arrange for anger management counselling.

How can it be right that I am expected to give up either my home or my DD to end my relationship????

Has anyone else been in this position, or have any advice???

Thanks in advance.

Oh my god don't mean to sound glib but thought I had problems. Can't help with this one unfortunately but just to let you know thinking of you and sure somebody will be here soon to help x

God, this sounds horrific. I'm not much help I'm afraid but I didn't want this to go unanswered. The only thing I can say is with any certainty is about Relate. I went along to a session there alone last night after going several times, and the counsellor was very sympathetic, but she didn't tell me to leave DP. They can't do that. I feel DP has been emotionally abusive at times, but she explained that they are not there to tell you what to do and only help you towards making your own decisions. All she said was she did thing everyone deserved a chnace at happiness and I didn't seem very happy - that was as far as she would go: which is perfectly right. They aren't there to back you up or tell you what to do.

I would strongly suggest that you contact Woman's Aid and tell them everything you've posted here. I'm sure they will be very helpful to you. Hopefully others will be along soon (or will have already posted by the time I send this!) who have more legal and life experience. Huge hugs, the whole thing sounds like a nightmare.

you need proper legal advice. you need to consider applying for a residence order, an order which states that dd will live with you. you need to discuss an order forcing him to leave the house and protecting you from his violence, an injunction. please see a solicitor (family specialist) asap. cab or law society should have a list. please also think about getting advice from women's aid. you dont have to put up with this. have you got any records of his behaviour towards you? ... a diary / any hospital or doctors visits etc? get together docs showing any evidence of his behaviour and re tenancy etc. you will need these if you decide to seek court orders. dont let anyone bamboozle you into leaving dd with him / letting him take dd from your care. if he does remove her from home you need emergency court orders for her return. good luck!

errmm...crikey, i presume you're planning on leaving him? (i hope you are!!!) as far as i know i don't think the police were exactly correct in their interpretation of what he could/could not do. which is understandable really, they can't know everything about everything law related (not that i do) but definitely go to the CAB. or a law centre, where you can get legal advice from law graduates gratis. try looking at the domestic violence act, can't remember the details off hand, s.4 i think deals with co-habitees where one has residential rights and the other doesn't...something like that anyway. sort out a non-molestation order if you can, with residency terms, this should safeguard your daughter. he would have to prove to the courts that you are an unfit mother with mental health problems first, with backup from your doctor this would probably fail from his perspective. unless the ss is involved and also have concerns, which is doubtful really. anyway, i don't think you're going to lose your home, although he is probably going to lose his right to stay as a sub tenant, and im not sure the landlord will be best pleased. you should probably discuss with the landlord about your dp's living there, he might, on you circumstance, find some way to evict him, as he is squatting really.anyway, hope thats helpful.sorry its not more precise!!

I have had experience of the police handling 'domestic' situations very badly too. They are also aware of their poor record on this. I would recommend a compaint about their handling of the situation and also their very bad advice. Perhaps you could enlist the help of a womens aid org to do this?

0808 2000 247 - National Domestic Violence Helpline.

This situation is all too common and all too wrong IMO.... some police forces are hopeless

The NDVH will know all the laws, rules and guidelines (or at least know who to ask) and be able to help.

They'll be able to go throguh the options of leaving / getting him to leave etc

May I suggest a diary of all the things he does to you - times, dates and brief explanations... keep it secret, of course.

ANY time he does something violent, ring 999 - start a record of his behaviour and get any bruising or attacks checked by a doctor / nurse to have it documented on your file.

If he goes too far, ring 999 and press charges - this will stand you in good stead, should anything get to court. NOT pressing charges will mean the court can't take it in to account and it will only ever be "suspected" violence "because it's not bad enough to report and press charges, therefore not bad enough to need special circumstances" (said to me by my barrister when I was fighting contact with my abusive ex!)

Please ring the number - 0808 2000 247

Ring it ASAP - it's free and 24hrs.

yeah the police in your situation were well out of order.

you must now ring the police every time there is a domestic dispute.

i you can't see theat he is systematically unermining you to gain upper hand and control of the situation and take your daughter - you are BLIND.

re-gain control, get some facts of the excellent links and mumbers below. do it tomorrow

and then ask him to leave. call the police and have him removed.

i would never leave my children, ever. don't ever let yourself be put in that situation again.

HIya, sorry to butt in but check out my thread as i have been given some fantastic advice. also womensaid . org is full of useful stuff, including how to delete your internet history so he cant check up on you. this is abuse. do not leave the house net time. if necessary take your doughter and phone into the bathroom and lock door to call police. if you cant bring yourself to do this record him being 'verbal' go to go sounds like dp is waking