Relationship with my Mother now that she is ill! (PS - very very long, TBH, probably a rant and you may wish to ignore, but now I have written it I feel a whole lot better!)

[mynaughtylittlesister]

I have in the past had an awful relationship with my mother.
My parents split when I was approx 14, my father was blamed for so much of the break down. Its only in the last 10 yrs I now know that a lot of what I was told by my mother wasn't true. I am slowly but surely building bridges with my father.

Anyway, my mother has recently been diagnosed with emphesema(sp), she expects me/family to drop everything and rush to her side and help her.

Here is where my bitterness comes in -

My mother has many a time called me in the middle of the night telling me she is going to take an overdose and drink alcohol, (when I get there no tablets in sight - she just wanted to know I would be there!)

Forgotten birthdays and christmas's, remembers my brothers and his DC. Not mine, on the one occasion she did almost remember mine - she turned up a day late asking to see DD1, I looked puzzled and she then told me she had a card with money in it for her, I sweetly told her that it was my birthday the day before and that DD1 birthday was 4 mths before. She then opened the card, took the £5 out, told me to cross DD1 name out and write my own.

The amount of times she has promised to come and see us, and then never turns up, no phone call.

The times that she rings me is normally on a Thursday, that is because its her pay day, she will ring me because she is drunk and will normally give me a mouthful of abuse.

If I am out when she phones then normally I get a very aggressive phone message.

I have got to the point now that I have well and truly had enough, she brings me down so much that I really snap at DDs just because I have seen that she has tried to ring.

In the last few years, I have tried, honest! When her heating broke - I offered her to come and stay - she declined

She is always willing to go and stay with mi brother (he lives about 90 mins away) she is not willing to come here for a cup of tea - have no idea why, as I am such a coward, when ever (ha ha) she does come, I always greet her well, offer her lunch etc....

The sad thing is she only lives 5 mins drive away from me, I am desp to have a Mum who is interested in me and my family, but all she sees is jealousy.. Thats the odd thing really, she thinks that because we live in a decent 4 bed house in a fairly nice area then we must be snobs. Erm no, we are careful with our money, have worked hard and live in a nice area of the town - its not he nicest! On the other hand my brother lives in a very modest 3 bed mid terrace fairly near to London. Funny thing is my mother thinks that they are hard up. I hate to shatter her allusions and tell her that both my brothers and my house are virtually worth the same due to areas! (LOL)

There are lots and lots of things about my mother, to be honest, I haven't had a proper relationship with this woman for goodness knows how many years. Do I love her - TBH I am really not sure.

I do know at the moment I dread everytime the telephone rings.
may be I should just get phone call over, I have to admit I am scared, she thinks that everyone owes her, she went to stay with my Nan over the New Year, when my Uncle first went into hosp with Meningitis, she wanted my 89 yr old Nan to move out of her own bed because she found spare bed uncomfortable!
She was also very rude to my Nan on saturday evening that has also refuelled my fire against her too.

I ahve no idea if anyone can give an advice, its been great to off load, so thank you for that

Once again
Thanks

I take it you call screen?

She sounds a nightmare - but I wouldn't worry about the brother thing. It's up to him to have his own relationship with his mother and comparing isn't useful, especially as you don't really know what happens when she is at his house.

If she has a problem with alcohol, how about ringing the charity for families affected (sorry I don't know it's name). They could help you with the abusive phonecalls and drunken threats bit.

Al-Anon I think its called x

I amnot worried about my brother at all, he is lovely and I have a great relationship with him, although at times he does rely on me to see her because I am so close and he is not.

I also have another brother and sister, my sister moved to Newcastle (other end of the country) and my younger brother works away on cruise ships, so is often away for a few good months.

Twenty pence - what do you mean about "screen" sorry have no idea what you mean!

I mean do you have caller ID or can you let your answerphone pick up and then only pick up the phone if it's not her.

I think with any relative you don't like but must see it's a good idea to go and see them at a prearranged regular time. Then if they mess you about that's it until next week. Then even if it's awful it's only for an hour and then you have a week until the next time.

And I would unplug your phone at night at periods of high stress. Do the drunken phone calls correspond with the periods of not turning up when she says she will.

Please call Al-Anon, they will have more idea than me. I just don't want you to be ignored.

Caller ID is a fantastic invention. My Mum can be very needy at times and it is quite liberating to be able 'choose' not to get into that conversation when you really can't be bothered.

If you haven't got it please sign up, it doesn't cost much and it sounds like it will save you a lot of stress.

Unfortunately, if she was an arse before she got ill, the illness will only make things worse.

I think you would be justified in cutting her out of your life (do you really want your daughters to see someone treat you this badly?) - look at some of the Toxic Parent threads for support? (Something about Stately Homes in the title.)

I agree with NQC.

Your mother does not contribute at all to your happiness, to the contrary, she brings you down. She is selfish, abusive, nasty.

I can understand that you still see her but a lot of that is perhaps your longing for a normal lovable mother who is interested in you and your family.

What about your DH and his family?

Your mother has been 'ill' for a long time whether she is dependant on the alcohol or whether she is confused/affected by toxic parenting she herself received,people like this dont know 'how' to be 'normal.

To them any attention is positive and the more she can 'put you down' with your achievements the better she herself feels.

I think (being in a similar situation myself with my nanna) now is the time to step back and accept you cannot change your mother but you can change the way you respond to your mother,stop being so available,stop letting her have this power to upset you.

you have come a long way be proud of yourself.

MNLS,

I would agree with NQC's response.

Your Mother has let you down time and time again, these people do not readily if at all change nor do they accept any responsibility for their actions. I reckon as well you've never received any meaningful apology from her either. She does not want your help, she just wants the opportunities to keep sniping at you. This may be partly because you are trying to rebuild your relationship with your Dad, you remind her of him and you have also now seen through her lies. My guess is as well that you remind her also of her failings as a person.

You would not tolerate such treatment from a friend, why would your Mother be any different?. She is your Mother yes but it seems to me that she abrogated all responsibility after she gave birth. What sort of person would actively tell you her daughter lies about their husband, your Dad?. She sounds like one very disturbed, emotionally damaged and unhappy individual.

It is not you fault this has happened and you have not made her like this, she has actively chosen to act this way. Her issues are hers though, you should not try and fix her. You are only responsible for your own self. I do not advocate cutting all ties with parents lightly at all but in your case such an action would be more than justifiable.

Caller ID is a good idea to install on your phone.

The "well we took you to Stately homes" thread on these pages is worth posting on; many women there have suffered at the hands of their parents. You may also want to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

No advice but hugs to you

Thanks for replying.

I do have caller ID, usually I check on number before answering, and when its her number I will answer it if I am mentally ready. Have only recently started to let my youngest 2 DDs answer the phone!(they are 9 and 11)

I am still very unsure on what to do, will I feel bad if I don't go and see her and something happens - at the moment I am not sure I would.

My DH and his family are ok, I am closer to his mother, but at times she can be a ONE!

Once again

Thanks