How to talk to h?

[ukrainianmum]

I have posted before on here. In short -I live in Ukraine now and my h lives in London. Due to visa problems we cannot be re-united.. We have dd together..
Till last summer h was always talking about how to get us back to UK and that how it would be nice to have a family all together.. And all that. I felt wanted and needed in his life..
But last summer changed a lot. He seems more distant now and very cold. He was very affectionate before and loving and caring. I understand thatlong distance and time kills the feeling. But it was all ok before.

And since last summer he sends us much less money than before.
On several occasions I have heard a female voice near him.. And every time my suspision grows stronger.
I asked him he would always say he is out, people are around him and all sort of thing.

But today I heard that he is not alone in the flat. we spoke over skype and he didn't hang up straight away and I defenitly heard that he is not alone there... I could not tell whether it was man or a woman but for sure there was somebody..
I do not know what to do. But for sure I know this-if he would tell me that he is with someone it would make my life easier. I do not know why but I think so. Plus I feel very lost and devastated...

OMG, it's hard to trust sometines when you live in the same house but all that distance....
Is there some reason you cannot get a visa to join him?
Are there mutual friends/family over here that you can talk to for reasurance?

unfortunatley he cut off all the mutual friends... I did ask landlady to look around when she will come to visit him. There being some problems with the flat so I know she will be there in netx days... But she didn't sound to happy about it. I said that if she can just a quick glance will tell you does he live with someone..

Or should I talk to him and I should what to ask??

You should ask him, and tell him that if e is seeing someone else you'd rather know and deal with it than carry on hoping to be reunited. Could you travel over here on a surprise visit for a holiday?

He cut off all the mutaul friends???? WTF??
Why FGS? Is he totally insensitive?
TBH I think you have a red flag here. So sorry I don't know what to suggest. It sounds like landlady doesn't want to get involved but she's your best bet for information so wait for her reply - if he knows you are suspicious he may try to get her onside to lie to you.
I do hope you are wrong and it all turns out to be innocent but if you can't get a visa is there maybe a good reason?

well, tbh there is a lot of my fault in it.
We have been married(legaly in the registar office in town hall in London) for 7 and a half years now. But I still don't know where exactlt he comes from in Ukraine or I have never spoken to my in-laws.. I really know nothing about him. we married coz we loved each other and it flet like the right thing to do at the time. Then a few yeats later we had dd... and we left due to financial issues..
And I have spoken to one of our mutual friend who now is back to Ukraine and he said that my h is very starnge person-noone knows anything about him about his name. And he is right... Even if he disappears I have no idea where to look him for...

really difficult situation. But as I said-it felt totally different before last summer. I knew I had a loving and a caring hasbandd and my dd had a dad..It was solid and no distance ruined that before...

now when I talk to him I feel like I am talking to a stranger with whom I happend to have dd...

Gosh... I don't know what to say UM, it sounds rather like other than your initial 'in love' experience that there has been very little in the way of permanance in your relationship. Do you know much about his background, mental health, past stability, previous relationships?
I wish I could give more in the way of encouragement to you but it sounds like you have as many (more) unanswered questions than me.

on the outside looking in, i would say just keep communication going for sake of DD.
what could/would you do if he has met someone else? ask him about it. could he not return home? even for a holiday to put your mind at rest?

motherlovebone-that is all I do now-keep communicating for the sake of dd... I did ask him before about did he meet someone else. he said I should stop thinking about stupid thing and take care of dd.But as well when in a converstion I told him not to leave us he replied kind of we will see...

I do know some things about him. I know that he was married before and got divorse, but that happened before he met me.and he has an older d in that marriage.
When I met by that time he suddenly cut all the contacs with his mother. So by the time dd was born MIL had no idea about me. And ij spring he did contact her eventually but didn't tell about us... Which is strange. But evertime I start tslking about it evry two or threemonths he just hangs up the phone.hid excuse-no signal...

I really do not know what is happeneing there. And I just need to talk about it, to soeak it out. I cannot tell mum coz she will get very very upset so I am trying to keep her as much as possible out of problems

And in the last two or three weeks my best friends announces big news in their families and it just reminded me how lost my life is!!

I feel so sad for you. In some ways it's easier to know if you have been abandoned - at least you would have the benefit of your anger to get you through. You sound like you are still in love with the man you remember from better times. It must be a terrible strain keeping up appearances for your mother especially if the money is dwindling. Let us know if you get news through his landlady.

lessonlearned-yes, you are right. I am still with the love that I rememeber from better times. he was really really caring and loving person. I doubt there are lots of men out there who would squueze pomgrante juice by hand to give it just to keep their women feeling better after periods... And there was so many good things about him, so many...

I hope that landlady will give me some news-bad or good. She is our friend, she still sends presents for dd here to Ukraine on Xmas, and birthdays..

yes, and that is how I feel-abandoned...he knows I cannot come even for a holiday short visit-visa is a real big problem to UK and he will never come back to Ukraine due the reason that I can only guess...

And the best bit-this summer he found out that his exw is living in UK. it was kind of Jacky Collins novel you know-she divorsed him while he was in UK. then she realised he is the life of her life and found and English man over the internet, got married and moved to UK to find my h.
Crap!!!!!
I asked him in summer about is it why he is getting distant. he said that he doesn't sleep woith the abandoned women and doesn't wear second hand...{shock]

And the reason why he couldn't tell his mother aboiut us is that his mother loves his first dd too much and misses her too much that she will not accept this one..

I don't know what to think.. I only pray that one day I will be able to get to UK and maybe try to find some answers... BUt do I need all opf them... And what to tell dd?? she talks about him very often,talks to his photo, wishes him good night. and she has never seen him...She loves him with pure child's love... And says her papa is the best. that just breaks my heart in pieces

I cannot understand why he's doing this to you if he has any hope for your future together or apart. I hope when you get news from the landlady that it will put your mind at ease and let you move on (in whatever direction).
The situation as it stands sounds like torture for you - and so isolating, as you cannot even share it with your mum.

your DD doesnt need to know any of the bad stuff, let her be happy with her pictures for now.

in my opinion he is treating you quite badly.

he has already started one family, now another, and you are a secret? how can this be for the best.

get out and make some friends for you and DD to occupy you, what are your plans and goals this year and how can you realise them?

start thinking about what you want.
who do you have to help you through this?

keep posting

Well, I already started doing my second diploma. This time it is business and tourism... Study at home mainly and then do exams and tests... But live in a very small town. Plus in Ukraine if you are 29 and divorsed-death sentence is a better option..

I told you that two of my best friends announes big changes in their lives. One is moving far away to Russia for good. She will come to visit her parents once in a while I think... And the other one is pregnant with her second child.. So that made me feel sad as well...

Anyway, I talk to him this morning. He is about to leave London for two weeks coz he got some job in Scotland...He told me that he will go to see Landlady before he goes to sort out problmes with the flat... So that option of getting to know anything is ruled out.
ANd as well I spoke to him that recently he has been very cold with me.. His excuse is -crisis, lost his job, trying the ends to meet. I understand that but still saying once in a while that he loves me and thinks about us would be good. he just humped to that. And cut off.

oh no

try and be happy for your friends moving on with their lives, offer your help with the baby.

i really dont know what to suggest in terms of finding out the truth (is he/isnt he with someone else) you just have to ride it out and hope he turns a corner.

maybe you are just insecure (understandably so) but only time will tell. when you parted, how were things left?

concentrate on your studies, your daughter, your happiness. is there groups you could join? who else has children locally?

When I left with dd we had plans that we will return in six months.. But it didn't happen and it took me two years to get to uk... spent there six months and came back home coz dd needed surgery. And we were planning to come back in two months. Than this and that happened, two long process with documents and it took us all way to summer.. Well, but June we did plan to go back. And we were talking about it and he could not wait to see us soon. then he called and said that there is a difficult economic situation. you know this crisis started here a bit later than in Europe..
he said a year or two maybe and we will be together.. But by October he stopped talking about it at all... You know changed...
I could feel it and still do...

the new baby that my friend is expecting is goinf to be my first godchild so I as well cannot wait for the new arrival...But it is sad for me to see how my friends' families grow stronger and mine is on the rock or more precisly-hanging in the air with no answers. That is the difficult bit for me..
And plus people here are different to people in Europe-people here can be very mean, nasty and jealous to somebody's happinness, love, wealth. specially in a small town. I am really tired of people asking when I will go back to h and now it is new question-did he abandodned you two?? i can talk about my private issues with my close ones but not with some peopel I know form school times or soemone who lives near by. People have no idea about that invading somebody's privacy is a not very polite thing to do.. and from all of that people here like to gossip... SO you can imagine what rumours I hear sometime about me...

thank you all for listening to me.. I really need to talk about how I feel. thank you a lot.. All your support make me feel better..

Ukrainianmum, I feel very sad for you. Your H. is not being fair to you or your daughter. I must ask, do you really want to have a marriage like this? It sounds as though you don't have a lot of control over your situation. It doesn't sound as though he is being honest with you about many things. You and your daughter deserve more than that. I'm sorry as I wish I had something more useful to say.

Sorry UKM, Ihad typed a long reply to you last night but lost it when the site was being updated - I was gutted!
I'm at work at the moment but I will talk to you later when I get home.

First of all, even at the best of times, long distance relationships are very difficult. In this situation of secrecy, confusion and mistrust, it practically impossible to have a successful LDR, as you are discovering the painful way.

He hasn't even met his daughter??? If he wanted to be with you and your daughter, he would be with you now.

I think you should mentally start to move on with your life.

As a woman, you should instinctively know the things that you can use to manipulate your man. If you stopped contacting him, would he forget about you? Have you tried? He is controlling you. Let him feel a bit jealous by sub-communication. Tell him you are going out to a party. Let him imagine life is going on without him. Try not to appear to cling and be desperate, even if that is the way you really feel. Appear confident, and you will feel more confident. You need to get control of your life, look after your daughter and stop relying on this guy. Give yourself some options, even if they aren't attractive ones. Don't bet your life and your daughter's on one card (your husband). When he feels you doing this, he MIGHT want to come back before you disappear into the sunset leading a new life without him. You actually might not want him back by then.

HI ukm. I hope you hold your head up high in your 'small town', there are plenty of people here who can be mean in the face of anothers misfortune too.
You have a lot to be proud of - you have travelled, you are studying and you obviously care a lot for your DD and friends. The fact that your DH has been evasive lately is compounded by distance and culture and economy. He is not being fair not telling you how he views the future with you and DD - but you have nothing to be ashamed of!!!
If you get people talking about you behind your back it says more about their 'small town' mentality than it does about you and your DD. Envy is a terrible thing.
I do hope things improve for you, pleaase keep us informed here, of how things develop. I hope your DH maintains his financial committments even if things are not salvageable in the relationship, but I have no doubt that you will ultimately survive and thrive, if you have to, without him because if this is what he chooses (cowards way out) it will be his loss.
I wish you and DD good luck.

lessonlearned-thank you for yor kind support. you know all you said I understand with my mind. But sometimes heart refuses to work together with the brains..
As goodadbadhusband said I need to start to move mentally. ANd I understand that but it would be easier to do if h would tell me this as well.

I am talking to my parents now about one thing-to move to grandparents house in another town. Mum says that she doesn not mind but we need to talk grandadd into it. I do not know why but it feels to me that I can start new life there. it is about hour away by bus which is for Ukraine is very close.maybe by summer the move will be done.. I really want it.
i will keep posting here form time to time..
Thank you all again for all your support.