Untitled

[Showmeheaven]

My MIL has 5 grandchildren. SIL and BIL live near her, so she sees their kids all the time (a boy and a girl) and she is very close to them (obviously).

We live 130 miles away so we only see her every couple of months. We have 1 girl and twin boys. She has always adored our daughter, she was her first grandchild. She bought her a beautiful gold necklace for Christmas and lovely clothes for her birthday.

My twin's birthday was just before Christmas. She didn't buy them separate birthday/Christmas presents but just handed them each a Primark bag with a hoddie, pants & socks enclosed. It wasn't even wrapped

While doing the Christmas shopping the next day she popped into a sports shop to collect a Man United Ronaldo shirt which she had ordered for her other grandson (£70 worth).

I know she was very generous with my daughter but I would have preferred it she had bought her less and made more of an effort for the twin's presents. They are still young and didn't notice, but the day will surely dawn when they realise they're not Nana's favourite

She is lovely in every other way and I know its not done deliberately, but surely part of her job as a Grandmother is to treat ALL her grandchildren equally

Am I being silly & very, very petty ?

i think they should be treated equally but maybe she spent less on all of them when they were babies?

Sorry my message came up "untitled" - I did put a title on it {hmm]

Yes ilovtochat, she did spend less time with them as babies, but should that make a difference ????

You cant ask her to spend the same on all her grandchildren as (unfair as it is) its up to her, but you can request that she treat all three of yours fairly. I would start hinting gently for that over the next year or so. Maybe she doesnt realise that your eldest will notice soon, or perhaps she is waiting to spend more on them when they are older.

Give her a chance but don't let it fester. Maybe suggest she doens't buy at all if she can't spend the same.

DS1 got a lot more for his birthday last year than DD did and I'm afraid I did say something. DH thought it was a bit off too but wouldn't say anything.

It may equally be done deliberately.

Overt favouritism shown by a grandparent or grandparents can be extremely damaging to the children. It could split your children ultimately so you and your H (he especially) need to talk to her about this. Your sons will indeed pick up on the fact that their sister is being treated more favourably.

It was certainly not right that their birthday presents were not wrapped. Did you tackle her on this at the time?.

You may find this helpful as well:-

If the favouritism is becoming clear, either through actions or words, then a parent must speak up and address the issue. A grandparent may not realize they are favoring one child over another. If it's left to continue, it will eventually become a normal way in which they react to the children when in their presence.

Try and approach the grandparent by asking if they are aware that one child is wanting of their attention. They may not be aware that the other child is striving for their attention, especially if the other takes up all of it.

You may also speak on behalf of the child, you could say, "Mom, Jenny is trying to tell you something and feels you may be ignoring her." I'm sure most grandparents will certainly recognize this for what it is, a statement suggesting they are hurting a child's feelings. It will put things into perspective and allow them to be more accountable for their actions.

CREATE BOUNDARIES AND BE AN EXAMPLE

We all have our own parenting styles, our individual goals and aspirations for each of our children. You will need to show that grandparents that you too treat all children the same.

Is she the only grandparent? I ask because my cousin lived near my granny when a child and we lived away. One year Granny included his present in our Christmas parcel by mistake. On mine it said 'To Merrylegs. love Granny'. On his it said "To my darling x. Lots and lots of love. Granny."

I thought it was hilarious TBH - it was a family joke that he was the apple, but my granny was fab in so many ways, and I had other lovely grandparents too.

Also, my PILs definitely like some of their grandchildren more than others and actively don't like one.

But the cousins all joke about it - and they can because they have other grandparents who are lovely to them.

So if she is the only one in their lives it is hard, but if there are others than she is not the most important adult they have and they will be OK.

Just don't show them your resentment. My mum was always badmouthing her MIL but to us kids she was fab - despite the fact she favoured our cousin.

Maybe she spent less money on all of them when they were babies (not time).

Maybe she will be more equal when your twins get old enough to notice. Lots of people spend less on tiny babies than older children but when they get older spend a roughly equal amount.

Sorry, but I would have to say something. I tend to think that as long as over the course of the year, ie; birthday and christmas, the amount spent on each one is the same, it is not that important how much is spent on each event. eg, £30 over the year, split not always equally between birthda and Christmas.BUT, since the gift she gave was clearly intended to 'do' for both Christmas and birthday, I think I would probably 'remind' her that she doesn't need to buy your DD a birthday gift this year as she has already given her a Christmas present, just like she gave your boys only a Christmas present! It IS immensely important to treat them the same. As somebody else said, you cannot force her to treat all her grandchildren the same, but you can make it clear that she has to treat your sons the same as she does your daughter. I understand how hurtful it is. A coule of years ago my MIL bought a new footie kit for BIL DS (£70) because the three ps3 games 'didn't look much' when they were wrapped up! They looked a bl**$y sight more than the £15 she gave each of my 2 DS!

Thanks everyone.

Well, the cousin (her other grandson whom she bought the Man U shirt for) is exactly the same age as my twin boys (9) so it doesn't make sense to me that she would buy him this gift and then give my boys some unwapped underwear from Primark. My DD is 14, so she is a good bit older than all of the other grandchildren.

I wouldn't have the confidence to address the issue with her. It would come across as extremely petty and ungrateful of me ... plus I'd be afraid of it causing tension between us, so it wouldn't be worth it imo.

I did notice that she always talks about BIL & SIL's children in glowing terms (they are sooooo cute, such good manners, very good at this, brilliant at that etc.). When she talks like this, I agree with her, because they are great kids. I'm just sad that she doesn't say the same about mine.

I think having favourites is very much an older generation thing. She would never verbalise who her favourite grandchild is but I have heard her asking the grandchildren "Who is your favourite uncle/aunt??" etc. I think asking any child who is their "favourite" is extremely inappropriate. The child usually sits there too embarrassed to say anything, but she continues to say tell them who their favourite is!! "Aunty Ann is your favourite, isn't that right ?".

Luckily, my parents live 10 mins away from us, so my kids enjoy a very close & loving relationship with them, so they shouldn't miss out.

I suppose I'm just hurt by the realisation. As I said, she is reasonable in every other way, its just a little character flaw I guess ....

I think your dc are just about old enough to take care of it themselves with their own comments to your mil. I imagine that if they all opened gifts at the same time and the dear twins blurted out "what kind of crap gift is this?!" she may get a hint.

The ages shed more light on it. What a shame. Can you drop subtle hints? I agree with the no confrontation as its just not worth it and they are old enough now to start saying, perhaps, 'Granny isnt my favourite as she doesnt treat us all the same' I have to say it would upset me a lot.

I would still get your H to tackle her on it; overt favouritism is damaging for your children to witness even if it happens infrequently. I would add that any tension that may arise from this would be hers of her own making. Its not right that the boys' presents were unwrapped; it shows her in a poor light.

Also 9 year olds may not necessarily know how to react when this happens; it is thus down to the parents to say something.

Fortunately for yourselves you don't see this woman very often. Thank God for that I would say.

sorry showmeheaven, i thought the twins were babies for some reason and meant she may spend less on babies than older children. i see now they are all older. i would say something, maybe along the lines of you seem to have spend too much on dd this year compared to the twins so i'll keep part of it back for xmas to make it equal.

My granny always got my brother the biggest present becuase 'he's the boy'.

We always thought it was deadfully unfair but she was a stubborn old woman and none of us would have considered mentioning it to her, though there was much eye rolling.

Looking back, it doesn't bother me at all now, but I am so much closer to my other granny who treated us all equally.