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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband packs and leaves

17 replies

Indiink · 27/01/2009 17:26

I've been married to my DH for 8 months now, though we've been together over 8 years and have a dd (3) together. We've had a bit of stress recently what with having no heating for 2 weeks and currently both of us having tonsilitis after dd last week. Today I was trying to work out a quotation for a possible job for DH and was trying to ask him questions to work out the costings, but he was not interested. I stropped off and told him I wasn't going to do anything for him anymore. (childish I know). Anyway he flipped saying he was sick of having to do everything in this house (?!) and that he gave up. He packed his bags and left. Not sure what to do. Don't know where he is. Should I make contact with him or leave it 'til tomorrow or for him to call me? Feeling quite alone and lost tbh. Been trying to write this for the last hour. Feeling it's all a bit too much at the moment, as next week DH won't have any more work. We've hardly any money especially with washing machine and boiler breaking down. I've been feeling fairly positive (new thing for me) and being quite pragmatic in 'solving' the financial problems, but if I'm honest I'm floggin a dead horse. I keep this to myself, DH doesn't know how bad it is because I know he would freak. But even without the knowledge he still freaked and now I don't know whether it's because of our current situation or because he doesn't want to be married to me anymore.

OP posts:

rubles · 27/01/2009 17:35

Has he been made redundant, is that why he won't have any more work?

ScarletA · 27/01/2009 17:36

Sounds like you're both under incredible stress - and his way of coping is to run away. I doubt it's forever, he just can't cope right now and very childishly he's run off. Men are trained to provide financially and not to talk about their feelings etc, sounds like the responsibility has got too much for him.

So sorry for you indiink - what a horrible thing to happen.

Pheebe · 27/01/2009 17:38

Not sure what your question is here. Clearly there is much much more going on than you've been able to put in your post, people don't walk out for no reason. You say your DH doesn't know how bad it is. This says to me you already have poor communication issues, you should both know your financial situation inside and out. It also sounds like he works and you don't (forgive me if thats not right). Do you think he could be cracking under the pressure, especially with the financial climate how it is?

Based on what you've said I would call him, text him, leave a message for him to come home. Its easy to flounce but can be incredibly difficult to come home, you may have to make the first move here.

NotQuiteCockney · 27/01/2009 17:39

Has he done this before, or anything like it?

It's not great to not share your concerns about financial problems.

Did he not want the potential job? Was it not a good time for him to talk?

No wonder you're upset, it sounds like a very upsetting situation.

NotQuiteCockney · 27/01/2009 17:39

Has he done this before, or anything like it?

It's not great to not share your concerns about financial problems.

Did he not want the potential job? Was it not a good time for him to talk?

No wonder you're upset, it sounds like a very upsetting situation.

Lizzylou · 27/01/2009 17:41

Agree with Pheebe, call/text and pave the way for him to come home.
It does sound like there is an awful lot going on which is bound to cause you stress.
You need to have an open and honest chat and work out ways for you to solve your problems together.

Swedes · 27/01/2009 17:47

Provider pressure is horrible. It is the main reason I would hate to be a man (although having all those jangling things in your undies can't be much fun either). If it were me, I would call him and tell him you are in this together and tell him to come home.

Marriage is being in a team. You should share your burdens as well as the good times. Both of you.

In the short term can your parents or any friends help you with the money to get your boiler fixed as being cold is really miserable?

Original poster

Indiink · 27/01/2009 17:49

DH is self-employed painter & decorator and I work for him as his administrator, accountant, etc. I do sort out all our finances, budgets etc. I am quite anal about it and thought I was quite good at it, but at the end of the day if we're spending more than we bring in and are not facing up to that (i.e. talking about it and solving the problem together) then it is not going to get any better. But he won't talk about it. He never has. And he's the one who spends it! (Because he earns it). I think it would be easier if I had a wage coming in and he wouldn't feel so pressurised. I have applied for jobs (no luck) and am still looking but there are not that many going.

OP posts:

Ronaldinhio · 27/01/2009 17:54

my dh used to do this...it was his flounce to make a point set piece

I used to bombard him with calls and attention to sort things out and then one day I didn't
I was bored with his teenage girl antics so decided that I'd go it alone.
I bravely made lots of decisions about how I'd survive etc etc
When he had a chance to settle down (about 6 hours) he realised that he was being a tit and that I hadn't called.
He came back very shamefaced and I didn't need to put my "brave" decisions into place

He doesn't do it anymore

Original poster

Indiink · 27/01/2009 18:07

I sometimes wonder if it is the situation. We've both walked out before. I left in the middle of the night with dd 18 months ago, because I was sick of his drinking. He left 9 months ago because I was trying to talk to him about the wedding and he didn't want to. We've never talked which I've found extremely frustrating and isolating. We have no family or friends close by that we can confide in or just 'be' with. It is a long story but I think there is resentment between us. We live in a place that he doesn't particularly like with no friends and I want to work in my specialism (dance) which he doesn't take seriously at all. I will contact him to find out where he is and if he's coming home.

OP posts:

Ronaldinhio · 27/01/2009 18:19

I am sending you a very unlike me hug

Talking when you are both feeling really stressed will get you nowhere anyway.

Leaving never really helps but it does prevent the situation escalating in one way. Sometimes my dh would say he would leave becasue he didn't want to fight anymore or becasue he felt so stressed out he was frightened of what he would say or do

Kind of like a fullstop or timeout.

You both need to find a way to work through your problems more calmly or talk about things as they arise and not when things have built up

I hope you are both ok

PeachyBAHonsPRSCertOnRequest · 27/01/2009 18:21

Yes my Dh used to do it also- until the time I gave up calling him (call 5 times to no answer; twice to be hun g up on ; leave 45 minutes then ring again..... ) and waved him goodbye as he drove off instead; leaving the PC on the LA housing section page also helped a tad I think....

OTOH pressure is horrid and if you think he is reallys truggling instead of being an arse pave the way with a phone call, just don't let it be habit. Or a text; texts wait until recipient is ready and cannot be misconstrued in the same way. 'I love oyu and would like you to come home' is simple.

Depresion? It can be well hidden esp. in men ime (DH definitely had it)

Original poster

Indiink · 27/01/2009 18:29

DH has just phoned to tell me he was at his friends (where he grew up) which is what I thought. He said he'd had enough and that he couldn't take it anymore. He was very stressed about work situation or lack of and needed some time out for a few days. I said okay, that I'd call when dd goes to bed so he can say goodnight and that was that. Feeling upset because he's gone to his friends and I have no one!

OP posts:

Ronaldinhio · 27/01/2009 18:33

you have us!!!

Go be mean to someone on AIBU...you'll feel better for it

Original poster

Indiink · 27/01/2009 18:44

Thank you, I do appreciate it very much. Just wish I'd married a man not a boy. I would like him to come home so we can sort it out. Don't know whether to be outraged that he's not coming home or to let it be and hope he'll come home when he's ready. There's some doubt and insecurity that he won't come home at all, and some anger and obstinance for making me feel like this.

OP posts:

Ronaldinhio · 27/01/2009 18:46

You'll get a better indication tomorrow when you've both slept on it...honestly

warthog · 27/01/2009 19:04

let him have his space.

and then when he comes home - which he will (and i think backing off will expediate this), then you really need to sit down and talk about finances and work out a plan. and i wouldn't keep it from him in future.

it's not on for him to pooh-pooh your passion. dance is just a valid career as anything else. he should be supportive of you, just as you are of him.

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