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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What would you do?Am I nasty?

16 replies

London7 · 27/01/2009 13:52

Hi,we are going through a divorce while living in the same property (it's all messed up so I won't be able to give you a full picture here).I am divorcing him because of his unreasonable behaviour (e.g.after trying for a baby - he kept begging me to try - and falling pregnant, he left me (?) and I went the whole pregnancy on my own).He loves our daughter but spends very little time with her, coming home from work after she's gone to bed even though he works flexi hours so it's easy for him to be at home.I have even offered I would leave the house for him when he wants to be with her.He doesn't help with anything so I am with our baby almost 24/7 every day, every week, every month while having no family around.When he came home after midnight the fifth time in a row, I went to the kitchen and asked him to tell me why he is not spending time with his child.I didn't shout or swear but demanded he tells me there and then.He asked me to leave him alone but I kept asking him for an answer.He got angry, pushed me out of the way, threw dring he was holding in his hand all over me, on my hair, face, nightie.As I was walking away, I slipped on the drink and fell on my back and head on the floor.As I was lying there crying, he said he was going out.Our baby was in the same room as me witnessing all this.I could not believe he left me there lying on the floor not even coming back to check if I was OK.He said I was only looking for sympathy that's why he didn't check.I was so upset that he treated me like that in front of our daughter that I called the police and he got arrested.He cannot forgive me and I feel like I am a really nasty person for doing that to him.He pushed me several times before and I just wanted him to stop behaving like that.Did I overreact???

OP posts:
Tamarto · 27/01/2009 13:56

No you did not.

Is he still in the house now?

Have you no where else you can go?

mumoverseas · 27/01/2009 13:59

what a horrible situation London and given the circumstances I can understand why you are so upset. You are not a nasty person but assume he didn't mean you to slip over? He should't have pushed you though and particularly in front of your baby. Given the background of several pushes it sounds like that incident was the last straw therefore you didn't really overreact.
What did the police do? Did he get a caution or was he charged?

He cannot forgive you? What about what he has done over the last few months? Hope you manage to reach as amicable a relationship as possible whilst under the same room for the sake of your DD.

traceybath · 27/01/2009 14:00

What did you tell the police - if you told them what happened i don't see how that makes you nasty.

blinks · 27/01/2009 14:01

why would you want HIM to forgive YOU???

should be the other way around surely.

London7 · 27/01/2009 14:04

Yes,he did get a caution.If I stay out of his sight and don't talk to him or ask any questions,he won't touch me so I will be ok.It's just that he keeps saying I am nasty, mad, develish and is even suggesting I may have some mental issues (?!)...How do I not give in to what he keeps saying I am?Have to stay here until the divorce is sorted out, then I am moving out.

OP posts:
London7 · 27/01/2009 14:05

Yes, I did tell the police the truth, don't have any reason to lie...

OP posts:
HolyGuacamole · 27/01/2009 14:14

HE can't forgive YOU? WTF?

You need to get away from him. Can either of you move out?

AMumInScotlandsAMumForAThat · 27/01/2009 14:23

Why do you have to stay till the divorce is sorted out? Is that advice you've been given by a lawyer, and if so do they know the full circumstances?

I can't imagine that a lawyer or the courts would expect you to stay in the same house as this man after he's been given a police caution for harming you.

Rebecca41 · 27/01/2009 14:35

As I understand it, if he's been violent towards you he can be forced to leave the house. I remember making this enquiry on behalf of a friend a while ago, and that's the advice the police gave me.

StayFrosty · 27/01/2009 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toomanystuffedbears · 27/01/2009 14:47

No, he deserved it. We know that you can not force him to do anything-and that seems to be the theme of this on-going 6 year old little boy tantrum he is throwing. Yet, walking by you when you have fallen and hit your head...that goes to a completely different level. You may rightly wonder if he'd do the same if your daughter were hurt.

I know that it is tough with a little one with no help. But here, you must realize, that your husband is a bit of an unknown quantity around your baby. You may come to view your 24/7 baby duty as in fact protection for her. Keep up the vigilance. Give your baby all of your kindness and patience-your husband deserves none.

Please don't listen to him. Anything and everything will come out of his mouth at this point so don't be surprised at anything he might say. When you are around him, just try to be emotionally dormant-like he treated you (hey, take a page out of his playbook-that is fair). Do not respond to his insults, do not appear to even have heard him, do not let any opinion of his affect you in anyway (except that you may feel a surge of religious gratitude to God when he is finally out of your life). Don't respond-no matter how repetitive he is in his insults. Your connection with him at this point is a formality-all other connections (emotional, respect, love, like, hopefully financial) have already been severed.

I want to say that what he is saying is "lip service"...but that is usually for insincere positive bs lies like manipulative flattery. Yet, lip service here may be that you've insisted that he speak-so he speaks! Nasty crap verbage may be his way to get you to prefer silence.

Sorry I didn't edit-sqirming baby...

warthog · 27/01/2009 19:06

no you're not nasty. just keep going with the divorce and keep sight of your happier future - without him.

London7 · 27/01/2009 22:45

Thanks, guys, for all your advice.I will try hard not to get affected by anything he says - or at least pretend not to get affected.I have started to feel like I am a really bad person because of all the nasty things he has been saying I am.All my friends and family tell me I am a beautiful person so I don't know why I believe him...perhaps because he has been repeating all those negative things all over again, never saying anything good about me except for that I am a wonderful mother.But how can I be a wonderful mother if I am also (according to him) everything from develish and mad to aggressive and emotionally unstable .

OP posts:
Greyclay · 27/01/2009 23:31

I'm just going to reiterate what others have said. Whatever he says, especially if it is negative towards you, just repeat to yourself, "He is lying." Keep repeating it.

He is saying those things to bully you and control the situation. He is putting you down to make himself feel better. He is blaming you to absolve himself of any responsibility for his own actions.

Your self-worth and self-esteem lie in your own hands, not his. The words that come out of his mouth are just worthless and meaningless noises. The words that come from the people who really love you? That's what you listen to and take to heart.

Good luck and please take care of yourself and your baby.

dittany · 27/01/2009 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumoverseas · 28/01/2009 05:37

Potentially you have grounds to apply to the divorce (County Court) for a non-molestation and Occupation Order (types of injunction) which if granted, would allow you to remain in the matrimonial home to his exclusion and he would be ordered not to harass, intimidate or threaten you in anyway. This is something you should maybe speak to your solicitor about. You cannot be expected to be treading on eggshells until after the financial aspects of your divorce are resolved.

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