PMT or just unhappy with the relationship?? Thoughts please...

[scarlotti]

Hi

I've been with DH for about 6.5 years now, married for 1.5. We have DS 3 and I have DD 14.
I suffer from terrible PMT and for a good 7-10 days each month I wish I wasn't in the relationship. The rest of the time I'm ok although it's never going to set the world alight.
I am not overly interested in sex, get more interested in the 2 weeks before pmt and then libido disappears completely for 2 weeks. I'm going to see a counsellor for my lack of desire as DH has high sex drive. I've had abusive relationships in the past so presumed that was why I don't want it.
Now I wonder whether actually it's because I'm not fulfilled in my relationship.
DH is not the best when it comes to being supportive - buries head in the sand when problems arise, which was no help when I had pnd after DS. Was left to sort it out on my own, got put on AD's for a while then went to counselling.
I'm the main breadwinner and also the main organiser of everything. I'm the only driver so am sole taxi for while house.
There's nothing 'major' wrong - he doesn't hurt me or isn't mean, but I'm just not sure I'm happy.
So I guess I'm asking for people's thoughts? He used to be really lethargic but that seems to have eased recently (I had a m/c in December and he's bucked up a bit since then) but I don't ever think he'll get to the point where he suggests things for us to do, or organise anything for the family.
I keep thinking 'is this it for the next 50 years?' Thought fills me with dread, life would pass me by.

Sorry so long and rambly - hard to explain it all in one post.

sounds like you might be tired of shouldering the responsibility for everything. what does your dh help out with?

He does the majority of the cooking but that's about it. He will help out with childcare at the weekend but it defaults to me and I have to 'book' in time. To be fair, he is happy to do it although he'd never think of taking DS out to the park or the pool or something, he'd sit and watch tv while DS plays with his toys.
We have a cleaner as I got sick of always doing that - which I pay for as I earn more than he does.

i think counseling is a good idea.

have you spoken to him about how you feel?

We've had several chats about his lack of oomph and every time he's promised to go see the doctor but never has. I'm in counselling at the moment and I guess he could come along too. It's pmt week this week so my natural optimism has gone. Funnily enough, I never used to get pmt until he moved in with me and dd - coincidence I'm sure, but does make me wonder whether I need someone more upbeat.

Then again, maybe I'm just reaching for a 'movie' relationship where both parties are happy all of the time. Guess there's no such thing..

Are you using contraception now that you weren't using before the man moved in?

When the pmt first hit I changed my pill and that seemed to ease it. Fell pg few months later, then after ds was born went on mirena coil for 18 months. Had that out as the effects were dreadful. Been using condoms ever since and pmt is stil dreadful.

Personally, I find condoms most unattractive option, to the point where I would rather not have sex than use a condom.

A rather personal question - do you enjoy the sex that you have now, when you have sex?

The logic behind that is if the sex isn't meaningful and enjoyable, then you are going to be left feeling that the pleasure is one sided and in time you are going to want to avoid the activity because it's more hassle than it's worth.

Could that be a possibility?

diet can help pmt (nutrition)

to me doesnt sound like a lack of oomph, more lack of support, communication (?) fun.
you sound fatigued and need rest and relaxation but have nobody to shoulder the work with.

why is everything your problem?

he doesnt smoke dope does he?

N1 - we chose condoms as I didn't want any other hormones going into my body and wanted to see how I wa without anything artificial - not great it would seem!
As to whether I enjoy it - sometimes more than others but it's all very directed at the obvious areas iyswim - I suspect I should be telling him more of what I like and how to slow down etc. but i begrudge having to sort that out too.

motherlove - no, doesn't smoke dope. You're right about me having to shoulder everything, the responsibility always falls to me. I'd love more fun in our lives but he always complains of feeling tired. We do stuff if I organise but then we're back to square one again with me sorting stuff.
Don't know why he thinks it's just my problem, maybe as he doesn't want to admit he has any as then he'd have to do something about it.

Problem is I'm getting tired now of always being the one in counselling and finding ways to improve things between us. I know myself, and eventually I'll just throw in the towel - not good as then my ds loses his daddy.

So you wake naturally or does an alarm wake you.

When you do wake in the morning, do you still feel tired?

You sound very fed up I too went through counselling on my own as I felt there were "other things" getting in the way. My counseller kept kind of trying to tell me that all the issues I was bringing up related my something I was unahppy with in my relationship and she said it cant work if there is only YOU trying.

She gave me details of Relate but he wasnt interested and still refuses now.

But then the counselling didnt solve anything, I was overweight, I lost two stone and the feelings are still there, money was a worry but then it always is, I know exercise helps mentally as well as physically but im scared that even after going to the gym for weeks, I will still have this horrible sadness, the realisation that, actually, its because im unhappy in the relationship. I keep thinking of an excuse or reason, like im unhappy with my weight, I do something about it and "it" is still there, that sinking feeling.

I also have two DC, both under 5, so both are non-stop and hard work, wish I had their energy and we havent had sex for about 2 years, I keep waiting for something to come back but im not sure it will now, another scary realisation which im trying to work out and face

Do you think he could be depressed too? Just because you say he is too tired to do fun things.

FWIW, most women I know organise nearly everything at home , but usually their DH's are the main breadwinners and drive. That's how it is in my house, but I still feel very frustrated at times, particularly when it's PMT time.

Can you remember what it was that attracted you to him in the first place?

hey there - i feel like this sometimes and am interested to see what n1 says. like you i am the primary breadwinner and housekeeper, cook, driver and nanny and especially at the end of the day when they want some it wears you down after a while and i enjoy sex. Have you tried supplements for the pmt.

N1 - I wake naturally and normally just before the alarm. I'm usually a happy optimistic person although I feel like it's been a while since I've seen that girl.

Pinkfox - you sound just how I feel! I'm sorry you're in this mess too. dh would come to counselling if I asked him but I suspect he wouldn't think the problem lies with him at all.

bigTillyMint - he might have a touch of depression, yes, and we've spoken about it before but he won't go and see the doctor about it. I suspect as then he might have to admit it's true. His attitude to life is that he would much rather just come home and flop in front of the tv. I think that's wasing life. I get up on my weekend morning and he lies in. when he's up we then can do something. He gets up on his morning and then has to go back to bed for a few hours later to 'catch up' on his sleep. I take the kids out as I can't stand to be in the house and see that - it just winds me up.

We lived at opposite ends of the country when we first met so when we saw each other it was all full on and exciting. Thing is that's not real life. When he moved down it was the first time he'd ever lived away from home so he felt he'd made the big sacrifice and that was enough.

I'll be speaking to my counsellor tonight and see what she thinks.

I know most women are the organisers - but it would be lovely to have someone take the initiative and book a meal out, or a weekend away. Or even just pick up a movie on the way home for us to watch.

Oh, the going back to bed thing would wind me up too. If DH tried that on any sort of regular basis, I'm afraid there would be a massive row. I'm not very good at sitting back and letting things go - does he realise how much it annoys you that he won't do anything?

I think it's a good idea to speak to your counsellor - she might even have some techniques you could try to get him talking more openly.

That's a good point, hadn't thought of that. Am hoping that she can help me get my thoughts in order too. In the main we have a good relationship so I'm hoping I can get some help with my pmt so it gives me a bit more perspective on things. Have booked a docs appointment for later this week so hopefully I'll get some answers.

As you can see, I'm not one for sitting back either - am much more of a get things done girl!

scarlotti If you are enjoying sex some of the time and not other times, it's logical to think to look at the frequency of sex. If you had sex once a week and every second time was "ok, but the other time was uneventful then you are not really going to look forward to having sex because you can count the number of times you had sex on one hand and half (or less) wasn't exiting, the sex doesn't feature in your life. If on the other hand you enjoyed he time then you are more likely to look forward to having sex again.

Before the sex feels good, the distractions in life need to be sorted. Some people just can't relax because hey are thinking of the things that need doing and need solving. This suggests that you need more organisation - though reading your post, it seems that things are organised enough and the eventful sex is more uneventful.

If the sex left you thinking "wow" and all glassy eyed, to weak to get out of bed and possibly trembling with satisfaction, then you are more likely to look forward to the next round of sex.

You suffer from PMT and the period (i am guessing) lasts for 7 to 10 days. How long is the cycle and is the cycle consistent? You did make reference to 2 weeks and 2 weeks, which suggests 28 days.

The next line after asks if you might not be fulfilled in the relationship, which suggests that the sexual side of the relationship leaves you feeling more "empty" (no pun intended) and as time goes on, less desiring. The PMT sounds like an additional issue which should find a solution.

The other issues like organising and playing taxi might feel less of a burden if the relationship between you and your husband felt closer and more meaningful.

Hopefully the reply answers prettyfly1 as well.

scarlotti on Tue 27-Jan-09 14:00:37 "N1 - I wake naturally and normally just before the alarm." That answers the first of 2 questions. When you do wake in the morning, do you still feel tired?

"He gets up on his morning and then has to go back to bed for a few hours later to 'catch up' on his sleep."

This would really wind me up too, I'm afraid. The references to him being too tired and needing to catch up on his sleep (unless he's been out until two in the morning) ring alarm bells for me and sounds like depression. He does really need to talk to someone either understanding GP or counsellor etc about this lethargy, both emotional and physical.

It sounds like the relationship is unbalanced causing you resentment for all the extra responsibilities. Why does he not drive? Can he or has he lost his licence?

I can also sympathise with the whole condoms thing as that's where we're at just now too. I tried going back on the pill just before Christmas and it was a disaster, I completely lost my desire and ballooned with water retention it was horrible. I believe using condoms as your main form of contraception does nothing to boost your desire and can even have the opposite effect. Have you considered non-hormonal methods of contraception? I practice fertilty awareness (ie taking temp every morning) and as soon as I know I have ovulated we can drop the condoms so we get about 10-12 days at the end of the month with no condoms. It is a bit of a pain but it works for us. There is also the copper coil, too, which is hormone-free.

are there some other jobs you could delegate to him? sometimes the less one does the less one is able to do. if he feels like going back to bed, a brisk walk might be in order. even if he is depressed, exercise is a great mood booster. in a way i think you are enabling him to be depressed and are in danger of burning out yourself. in your position i would be thinking about separating and pouring my resources into my own health and happiness. a case of shape up or ship out matey.

N1 - no, once I'm up I'm not tired anymore. I wake naturally and have plenty of energy.

AB and motherlove - you both are intimating the same thing and something that I chatted to my counsellor about last night. She thinks he's not depressed as he still has a high libido, which she says would diminish with depression. She suggests he go to the doctor (as I've already said to him several times over the last few years) to see what it might be that's zapping his energy.
I agree that I am allowing it to happen in some ways - by doing it all he has no need to do it. I'm going to start leaving some stuff to him to do and tell him that he needs to buck up.
Interestingly, the other thing that came out of the session last night was how all the home stuff might be zapping my libido too. It's difficult to fancy and desire a man that acts like another one of the kids. Am sure if he did his fair share and had more get up and go, then I'd be proud of him and see him as more of a partner rather than a drain on my energy.

Oh, and he doesn't drive as he was in an accident around 17 that scared him off. He's mentioned it again recently and I think that's something he needs to pursue as I think it would be a huge step forward for both of us.

if you dont want to lay down the law,
ask him what extra he thinks he could cope with (if he has energy for sex he has energy to vacuum yes?)

as previous poster said, you cant fix this alone.

what roles did his own parents have? this may be able to give you a clue as to what he thinks is acceptable. does he feel bad that he does so little? is he aware of it?

Spoke to him last night for a few hours and we got through a fair bit of stuff. He's more aware of what I think now and where the imbalances are so hopefully we're moving in the right direction.

His family were Dad working and Mum at home with the kids doing the house - therein lies part of our problems I think as we both work full time and I'm the main breadwinner.

My family background is a twice divorced Mum so my natural instinct is to cut and run!

We've changed our diets since the new year and the energy levels seem to be increasing so let's hope we're on the up! I'm also going to the docs to find out about getting control of the horrendous pmt.