Feeling really lonely in awful marriage - what to do.. long, sorry!

[nonetaken]

DH is a workaholic, he regularly works over 70 hours a week (often away from home), at the moment he's doing 80-90 as his business is especially busy. He spends no time with me or the dc's, other than to wolf down a meal, or bath the children for 15 mins a few times a week. I'm expected to do absolutely everything at home, he doesn't want to be bothered with any of it, he says he has no time and is way too busy. There is no financial pressure for him to work the way he does, he says it makes him "happy" even though it's starting to impact his health, my health and our family.

He gets into bed, immediately turns away and falls asleep. He never makes an effort to hug or kiss me, and treats me with no affection at all. If I try and touch him he says (in a whiny voice) "get off me" "don't touch me" or similar. I feel horribly rejected. I think he thinks I'm dull as I'm a SAHM who is absorbed with 2 small dc's and keeping the house going. I try and get out in the evenings whenever I can, but when he's away I have a real headache with childcare.

This situation has been going on for about 6 months. It's like he's had a personality change recently. I have talked to him about it but he says he doesn't know what he wants, he's often thought about leaving. I feel I have no power to ask him to change as he always acts as if he's on the verge of going anyway. If it weren't for the dc's I would be long gone but our situation is complicated - one of our dc's is going through a SN diagnosis, my family are a long way away and I have very little support in the area we live, we've only been here a short time so the friends I have are relatively new ones. Although H gives me little support, he is sometimes better than nothing.

We have been trying to get to a counselling appt for weeks, he is so "busy" we have had to cancel the 4 we've been offered. It's got to the stage where I'm not calling my family very much at the moment, as I know they'll sense my unhappiness. I've told a couple of friends who have been really supportive.

I've just re read this and know I should leave (I'm not a weak and pathetic person usually, honestly!) but I kind of want to give him a major kick up the arse to see if there is anything worth salvaging here. I would much rather the dc's grow up knowing their father if at all possible. What do I do? Should I get him to move into the spare room or even move out for a while?

Does he make a lot of money?

Ultimately, you have to do what you feel is right. Do you think an ultimatum would help or hinder the situation?

Anna - yes he does. But we have no quality of life to go with it.

Coldtits - I don't know. I'm getting to the stage where I need to do something, it's exhausting being pleasant and achingly reasonable to try and snap him out of it.

Could there be someone at work as well as the work?

CarGirl, have wondered that. Even asked him a few weeks back and he said no. I do actually think he would say if there were. Am still on high suspicion alert, because of all his strange behaviour.

Getting to breakdown point?

Is the extra workload to do with the current climate risk of redunancy or type of industry being busy because of firms going bust.

I agree with cargirl, the withdrawal of affection and cold-shouldering of you suggests he is already emotionally out of your marriage....

No, it's because he has two jobs - one is running his own business, the other is a very senior position in a big firm. It's crazy and unsustainable - each of the jobs need a lot of time and attention yet he can't seem to make up his mind which he wants to do and splits his time between them both. No immediate redundancy risk with either tbh.

Poor you, it sounds like there is an awful lot of attention/respect/affection missing for you. My dp is a workaholic too so you have my sympathies on that. Btw I don't think this necessarily means there is someone else - some people (esp. men) are just like this. My dad was too (an academic so his work really is his whole life, still), and my mum eventually had enough and they split up some years ago. I hope this won't happen to your family.

I think moving to the spare room/moving out is a bit drastic at this stage, as it would be even harder to come back from. Have you really talked to him and made him understand how you feel? Does he really understand how neglected you are?

I also wondered (please forgive me if this is out of line) whether your ds's SN is stressful for him, and work is a bit of an escape if he finds it a bit hard to deal with.

It's great you're having counselling, has this made any difference yet?

Do you still love him?

I do still love him when he's his usual funny caring self, which is getting more and more infrequent these days. He's more often snappy, impatient and demanding with us all now. It's very wearing when I feel I'm doing my best to do my best for 2 demanding dc's all day. I'm starting to dislike and resent him for leaving me to cope with so much alone which really scares me as I've always been a coper rather than a moaner.

It's just wondering how far I should let this go before I take some drastic action to try and wake him up.

Re the SN, he has his head totally in the sand on that one. No idea what I deal with at all. We're lucky as it's mild as SN goes, but still, it's the burden of appointments, trying to plan every activity and outing to minimise stress to us all, and trying to find the best help for our dc. DH could do things to help but opts out.

What happened six months ago? Did he start his own business then? When did the SN issues become obvious, or start getting close to diagnosis?

I don't know what to say, if he can't make going to counselling a priority, even if he admits it's necessary ... I don't know what options are open to you. You can see a couples counsellor on your own, actually ...

If he makes good money, pay for babysitting, get a bit of time off, you deserve it.