He won't accept that it's over

[lilac21]

I've finally made myself have the discussion we've avoided and skirted around for years, and I told him yesterday that I don't love him any more and the marriage is over. He refuses to accept it, says he loves me (this is perhaps only the third or fourth time in 15 years that he has said that) and won't give up hope of a reconciliation.

Today has been grim, lots of tension on both sides, accusations and 'you said...' from him, says he can't understand why my feelings have changed abruptly and how can he put things right. He CAN'T put things right, it's too late. It was too late years ago but I haven't been honest with him, until now, because I knew it would hurt him. He's very cross and upset with me, which is fair enough, and has become very protective of 'his' assets and seems to think I now intend to get him out of the house so I can keep it. I've told him I don't want it (although I want a share of the proceeds so I can get a place for the girls and me, we are entitled to that).

We're going to talk more tomorrow, but I asked him to agree to us sleeping in separate rooms. He doesn't want to, because the children will know then. I've finally told my parents this morning after keeping quiet about all the difficulties over the last nine years. I couldn't bear to keep it all a secret any longer.

Any advice from anyone who's been there very welcome. It has crossed my mind that this will be the first time in my life I have ended a relationship, in the past it has been mutual or I've been dumped. Shame I had to save the experience for a 12 year marriage with two children to prioritise.

what's to say? I have not been where you are, but 10 months ago was on the other side.
Reality is that he has to accept it, but it will take time.
I hope that you can both keep it as civil as possible for the children.

Have you attempted counseling at all?

If someone just out of the blue told me after 15 years that it was over and they didn't love me anymore AND they were taking my children, sorry, but I wouldn't exactly play lie down and roll over.

What has caused you to fall out of love?

Have there been past infidelities, abuse, etc.?

It's not out of the blue, there's a 9 year history of a deteriorating relationship. I didn't fall out of love, I cared for him a lot but was never in love to start with. I'm not taking the children anywhere, not in the near future. I want us to reach an agreement to live together but in separate bedrooms, we have loads of space to do that.

No infidelity or abuse, although he admits to being difficult to live with (aren't we all?). I've been keeping the peace for so long and I just can't bury my feelings any more. He knew months ago that I didn't love him, I told him last summer.

same situation as me lilac
i ended my marriage and my exh wouldn't accept it
what i will say thou is don't live under the same roof
we did that it became unbearable and also gave him false hope
it was most importantly terribly damaging for the children

I have no kids but I ended a long relationship with my EX and lived with him for 10 months in the house we had to sell, sleeping in separate rooms and dealing with all the upset.

My advice would be: If you don't want to be in the same room then move into another. He's in denial and you need to make it clear to him that you are serious.

Tell the kids before you move rooms, it's much better that you have this conversation directly with them I am sure, because they will work it out eventually and will just feel like you have been lying.

Start setting the wheels in motion legally, you will feel better about things when you take control. I left things too far long and it only prolonged the agony of living with my ex.

Sadly the other piece of advice is be prepared for difficult times, lots of emotion and to accept that your OH might not always want to be friends. I thought me and the ex could remain friends but my attempts to remain his friend just made things worse for him. I had to back off and learn to accept that actually he really quite disliked me for doing what I 'did to him' by ending the relationship.

and yes my exh is very bitter towards me
i don't think that he's even begun to move his life on

i was in a very similar situation - together 14 years, 2 dc. things had been bad for a couple of years, and everytime i tried to rectify or speak about the issues, he just laughed it off and stuck his head back into the sand.

but after i told him that things were over for definite this time, i felt like a huge weight had been lifted. yes i felt sad and emotional and at first he was very defensive but when we both admitted things hadn't been good for a very long time and that i wasn't out to 'shaft' him or take the kids away, things got a little easier.

he stayed (sleeping in separate rooms) for 3 months whilst he found somewhere else to live. it was difficult at times.

we are both happier than we have been for a long time and are now friends again.

From your posts on other threads it sounds like you have tried to address the issue with him, especially recently, and he is refusing to discuss it. He sounds like he is just sticking his head in the sand and thinks that if you both pretend everything is normal, it will go away. I have been through the same in the past, and my ex was - understandably - resistant, because he was devastated. You need to do things cleanly however, and if you are really sure that there is no way back and that talking to someone wouldn't help, then you just have to stick to your guns I'm afraid. Telling your parents was an excellent idea, as you can get the support you need from them now.

In retrospect (it was also the first time i left anyone, too) I wish I had been both kinder, more compassionate, but also firmer. i.e "I am SO sorry you're hurting but I'm 100% decided and this is what I want to do". I think my dithering around made things worse for him. Having separate rooms was something I did insist on, and I'm glad - it made it seem real. No kids involved though at that time, so I can appreciate that does complicate things a lot more.

I hope you stay strong, he sounds like he just cannot accept that you don't want to be with him Which is horrible from both sides I suppose. x

Just been reading through this thread and I understand where you're coming from. My marriage ended after 15 years and I have 2 DCs. Whilst its taken so long to get to this stage and you have 2 DCs to think off, at least you have decided enough is enough and you're doing something about it now rather then waiting another 12 years. Whatever his thoughts are at the moment, in time he'll realise this really is the best thing. I think he's fooling himself tbh, he probably will get a bit more bitter and resentful, but you need to clear in your mind as why you are doing this.