Not sure if I should invite mum to dd's baptism....

[newlysinglemummy]

My brother and siter do not speak to our mum as she has a new boyfriend and was happy for my brother to leave as wanted to have her new boyfriend in herhouse which my little brother was not happy about.

So they have not spoke for over 2 years and there is alot of hate between.

I will be getting dd baptised soon and my mum said she wants to come. But it is not going to be a big deal, I am not even having a party or anything after. I just want dd christened as I am catholic and want her to be the same. And she can then go to a catholic school like I did.

Also dd's dad was violent so I will not be inviting him. So because he is not there I only want me, dd and god parents who are my sister and brother in law. My little brother will come to as he would just feel left out.

But my dad is in another country so he wont be here.

Do you think it would be terrible if dd was baptised and I just did not tell my mum?

Or should I just invite her and my brother and sister will just have to put up with it?

I know if they are all there I will be feeling very stressed. But if I do not invite my mum she will feel I am choosing them over her.

The thing is my mum is very selfish and my sister has been a great help to me recently when I have been going through a stressful time.

Not sure hat to do.....

gawd, a tricky one.

Do you want your mum there? Do you want a relationship with her in the future?

Can you explain to your sis and bro that you want them there very much and that you have also invited your mum because you feel it's time to let bygones be bygones or some such?

Is there any chance that your sis and bro will follow your example and try to move on/forgive the past?

How old is your little brother...you say your mum asked him to leave home...is he actually an adult? Was it time for him to be independent? Maybe your mum did him a favour

Agree with Mumonthenet, it comes down to how much you actually want your mum there

no he was 15 at the time when he left.

i dont really want her there as i'm not really making a big thing of it so its not going to be a big celebration or anything just something that needs to be done....

but my mum will be upset if she isnot invited. i talk to her i am the only one that does...

But won't your mum feel the same as your brother would - ie left out?

How do you get on with your mum?

I would invite both or neither. This is your daughter's day and if they can't be civil for one day then they can't come.

Your mum will find out and be very hurt.

Sound everyone out. Tell them how important it is to you. Also ask if you can all meet up for a coffee the day before the Christening to break the ice.

Explain that everyone has to be nice to each other for the length of the service for you and dd.

Have everyone back for a slice of cake and make it be known that if there is kick off, everyone gets slung out.

Without knowing all the details - difficult to say.

But maybe she deserves not to be invited.
Maybe it would be a "wakeup call" for her:

Your Mum previously put her new man before her own son. She chose that man over your brother and she was happy for your brother to leave.

Why do you think you're the only one who talks to her?. You feel sorry for her, you do so out of a sense of duty (would argue that feeling is misplaced) or pity?. Why do you feel obliged to talk to her (is this because no-one else in the family does?).

I don't see why your brother and sister should actually have to see their own Mother at all let alone at the christening when this woman has treated them unkindly. Your sister has helped you a lot recently; having your Mum at the christening particularly without any prior warning to both your brother and sister may distinctly cool those relationships too. And I don't think you can potentially afford to lose such support.

You can have whom you choose to be at the christening; it is supposed to be a day of celebration. Could you actually rely on the three of them (your Mum, brother and sister)to be civil to each other in the same room?.

Does she have to be baptised into the RC church to go to an RC school?

I only ask because you make it sound like just a dull duty to get out of the way. Not what baptism is supposed to be.

I know that plenty of people have their child baptised in church simply because it gives them the excuse for a party (and presents, etc) when they have no intention of ever darkening the door of the church again. You don't seem to be in that category and yet I doubt that a regular churchgoer would view baptism as "just something that needs to be done".

That being so, is it worth doing if it's going to cause this kind of hassle.

After all, if you invite your DSis, DBIL and DB, and you don't even tell your Mum it's happening, you will be choosing them over her. You just need to decide if you are OK with doing that.

TBH it sounds to me like you've already made the choice - your sister and bil are godparents so have to be there; your sister doesn't speak to your mum, so if you mum is there, then how's your sister going to take it?

I think you need to talk to your sister, and take it from there.

Paperchase - i tried to get everyone to come together and be civil before dd was born as knew they would all want to see dd at the hospital. But they were all negative about it which stressed me out. Then at the hospital they didn't speak and made it all awarkward.

thereonlyme - I get on with my mum ok, but feel he is selfish and acting like a child not a mother. And blames everyone but herself as to why they do not speak to her, and why she does not see my sisters dd's.

mumonthenet - I do not think it would be a wake up call for her, as she never takes responsibilty for anything and would just try to say it is my sisters fault that my mum was not invited.

Attila - I know i could not count on them to be civil, and it would make me very tense and probably rub off on dd. I mostly speak to her because I think I should and because I think if anything happened to her I would feel guilty if we were not in contact at the time.

mshighwater - I am not the most religious person ever, but I do want dd to be catholic the same as me, not just to go to school, but that is what I believe in. I have recently started going to church again and I am enjoying it.

I think the reason I do not want to make a big deal of it is because of my family situation. My dad will not be here, my brother and sister cannot stand my mum. My mum has a boyfriend half her age who she ould probably make a big deal about bringing. And worst of all dd's dad is violent so he will not be coming. So family are in a mess and do not want to invite friends etc as will be ebarressed as will not have any family there.

i would not invite her and not tell her about it. enjoy the day with the rest of your family and keep it low key like you'd like to.

"Attila - I know i could not count on them to be civil, and it would make me very tense and probably rub off on dd. I mostly speak to her because I think I should and because I think if anything happened to her I would feel guilty if we were not in contact at the time".

Speaking to someone like this out a misplaced sense of duty/guilt (and I do argue that your feelings are mispalced here) is not doing you any favours at all. I don't think as well she is giving you any consideration at all; your Mother also seems like a woman who has always put her man in her life before her children. I was not surprised to read that she does not take responsibility; such dysfunctional people never do actually. You certainly would not receive any apology from her if there was any incident at the christening.

I would not invite her under the circumstances.

attila - do you know my mum? everything you are saying about her sounds very true, she has ALWAYS been the type of woman to put her man before her children. I think this is the biggest problem me and my sister have with her, as would never ever put a man before our children, not in a million years. We also cannot understand her not speaking to her children for over 2years as if it was any of our children we would never have let it get that far.

NSM

No I don't know your Mum personally but I know the type (have dysfunctional inlaws). Your Mother is emotionally dysfunctional.

She didn't speak to her children for over two years - this type of behaviour is also par for the course. I reckon she never apologised to you properly for that either.

Would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

Good luck with the christening; make it a happy day for your and your daughter.

attila - i spoke to my mum during that time, it is only my brother and sister that she did not speak to.

I will read that book, as I often find I am angry with her as cannot understand why she acts the way she does. And may pass it onto my brother and sister afterwards if they are interested.

Thank you I will do my best to make it a good day, and I feel it does not matter if there are only a few of us there as you do not always need 100s of people around to celebrate...

You do seem to know alot about parents like my mum, so hopefully that book will help us all understand...

It's difficult re your brother's attitude to his stepfather. I would never let my children dictate who I live with, and would be unimpressed if my husband kicked me out because his kids from his first marriage didn't want me living with him. Do you want your kids to end up like Tatum O Neil who kicked up a fuss everytime her film star father Ryan got a serious girlfriend? I am remarried and to be honest my kids weren't given a choice of whether my current husband lived with us or not. I left my kids' father to be with my husband and was not going to live on my own if my children didn't like it. Children leave home eventually anyway. I think their attitudes should be considered, but I don't think children should determine whether or not their parents live with another adult. Your mum wasn't putting her new man before her son, she was choosing to live with both of them. A 15 year old boy shouldn't be demanding his mummy kicks out her partner to keep him happy, not unless the partner is being abusive.
It's your kid's baptism, up to you who you invite.

he is not my brothers step dad, my mum met him then after knowing him for a short while started bringing him home in the middle of the night after a night out drinking.

He was not introduced to my brother properly, and my brother was understandably upset that just after my mum and dad broke up she started sneaking this man half her age into their home.

I think that was the problem that she did not try to introduce her new man to my brother, and acted weird about the whole thing.

And when my brother said he was not comfortable about this man being brought into his home in the middle of the night she said she would not do that agin. Then continued to do it.

NSM I had my dd2 christening and my dad was invited, you have to do what is rightfor you to enjoy the day and I think you should stick to your siblings

Want to thank Atila think I might need to read toxic parents is it in all bookstores

plumbum - sorry not being nosey,but did you have similar problems with your mum?

My problem is more my dad and my mum lets him away with it, My mum came to christening but did not stay long and I felt relieved when she left

Now it is dd1 communion this year I have told her we will be having a party after as I'm fed up not celebrating family occasions due to awkwardness

Her reply was we'll talk about it closer to the time so I already know she will go to mass but will not come to the party as my dad is not welcome

I had a thread yesterday about my stituation
not sure how to link sticking up for me my family (not sure how to link)
But it helped me just to get it out there

Don't put up with her out of guilt
And unfortunately your right it prob wouldn't be awake up call, because noone ever thought my dad and I wouldn't speak for years