What should I do now? - Argument with mum

[popcorn123]

My mum has always been a bit controlling - a lot many years ago but has been better of late.

I have have a difficult year- left abusive husband, have 2 ds's( 2 and 4)- finding it hard to chase away the past and move to future.

Anyway my sister has just got engaged and is starting to plan her wedding. My mum always gets stressed ++ at these things and found the prepartations etc of my wedding overwhelming. She siad that she was aware of this and wanted to stay out of the arrangements as much as possible and could I help my sister. My mum has a wedding fund for her (fairly significant amount and was going to give her it as a gift - hasn't mentioned it to sister yet)

Anyway i have been a bit exicted as it gived me something nice to focus on and was chatting to sis on phone re very early arrangement ie when and where.

Was chatting to my mum today and mentioned some of the things sis had said like wanting a winter wedding e.g december and approx numbers of 50. My mum hadn;t hears this information and started to get upset - i didn't notice initially and kept chatting. She was saying that she should have checked with family first as she might be busy in December and I joked "I think she seems to want a xmas tree so I suppose it will have to be dec" - trying to lighten it but didn't go down well. She stormed upstaris in tear.

I waited a few minuted and went up to apologise - saying that my sister hadn't made up her mind about anything and these were just thought and I was wrong to talk about someone elses new and I wouldn't get involed. She then says that I was very wrong and my sister shouldn't have been discussing it with me anyway and as she is paying for it she should know what is happening. She was really med.

These sorts of thing used to happen all the time and usually I would keep apologising until things went back to normal. It never really got resolved she would get get fed up being mad at me and I would learn to be careful about what I said and hope it didn't happen again.

I really feel this time that I apoligied and offered to make amends and that should be the end of it - but clearly not.

I am really worried that she will phone and sister and be amd that the didn;t discuss her every thought with her with will really upset my sister.

I also feel really alone as everyone will take her side as it is easier.

This afternoon is a very rare time without dc's and I should be doing something nice but feel so upset that my mum will start to ruin my sisters excitment and it is because I couldn'y keep my mouth shut.

Should I keep myself to myself for a while or try and actively sort out the problem.

Sorry this is so long!

Oh sweety - a hug, hopefully someone has some advice and kind words

You didn't do anything wrong. It's nice to be excited about your sister's wedding. Your mum sounds like she is being a bit passive aggressive. Can't offer much help, but try not to worry. You had the strength to leave an abusive husband, you sound amazing, don't let your mum bully you. If she wants information she should ask for it.

Your sister didn't say it was a secret and not to tell your mum did she? If not, then why shouldn't you mention it in passing? It doesn't sound like you did the wrong thing. Even if you did, you apologised afterwards and that should be enough

Your mum sounds very sensitive. I'm not knocking that because some people are just sensitive and planning weddings can be particularly emotive.

But at the same time, you can't be expected to constantly be on eggshells around her, just in case you say the wrong thing.

Essentially if she gets so upset over things, it's her problem to deal with and I think you just have to take a backseat and let her take care of her own emotions. You're can't be responsible for how she reacts to things, only she can be in charge of that, know what I mean?

Ypour mother is upset ecause your sister is throwing idea about with you???

That is madness.

Felt a bit petty when I was writing it all down. It's that I know she can drag this out for for weeks and make us all feel guilty even although I genuinely thought she wouldn'y be annoyed.

Just fed up as wanted a calm day and back to usual dramas - she can keep this up for ages.

I'm worried that she will now refuse to have anything to do with the arrangements or even talk to my sister until everybody assures her that every thought will be discussed with her first!

Will need to force myself to do something nice this pm beofre have to collect dc's in a couple of hours.

God, don'tpander to her.She'll be worse.
A cheery 'Well I'm soory you feel like this Mum. Gota go. Bye!' will suffice.

I will have to be tough with this ( new skill for me!)
I have apologised. The ball is in her court. Will not apologise again.

No don't. Good for you, Wisest move.

Are you able to talk to your sister about your mums behaviour? Present a united front so to speak.

My Mum was like this for years. Really rings true to me what you say about others taking her side because it is easier. My Mum used to have my entire close and extended family not talking to me after a silly argument.

The only thing that worked in that end was as moondog says, don't pander to her. You haven't done anything wrong. Say "Oh Sorry you are upset, I'll get sis to talk to you about it". Thats it nothing else and then just ignore any nonsense that happens after that. Its really hard but I just do not buy into my mums nonsense any more and it worked in the end.

Yes - you are right. I have always pandered to her in the past. It is so exhausting and I can't be bothered with it.
It is hard because so is always convinced she is right.

I can talk to my sister about it.She will stay neutral but I know she would have not let anything slip if it was her!

She did a similar thing to my sister when I moved into a new house and my sister arrived to see it about 1 hout before her!

My ex is useless and my parents babysit from time to time to let me get out - which makes me feel a bit more trapped over this but I don't have the energy for groveling over something so minor.

popcorn123

Your Mother is still controlling you and your sister by her actions. Her tears are manipulative.

Controlling behaviours often stem out of deep anxiety but you did not cause this behaviour of hers to arise.

You do not mention your Dad - is he with your Mum?. If he is around I am wondering whether he infact plays a bystander role to your Mum's controlling nature.

Do not pander to this woman. It is not your fault or your sister's fault she is like this; you did not make her this way.

My advice to you also is to read a book called "If you had Controlling Parents" written by Dan Neuharth.

Do you think she is a narcissist?. I ask this as cntrolling people can also be narcissitic in terms of personality.

My dad is usually a bystander to all this. He has got better in recent years and usually will quietly speak to my mum later and try and talk some reason - she listens more now than in the past. (Cynically I think she has to behave better because we don't "need" her any more and may actually stop talking to her but she might genuinely have more insight - or trusts my dad more)

There was a link on an earlier post about narcisstic mother and she fits lots of the criteria. ( my ex is a much a much more obvious version of NPD).

Will look for this book as want to learn how to deal with all of this,

Thought your Dad acted as a bystander at times; many men in these situations act in this way out of self preservation and wanting a quiet life. I would not let him off the hook because he likely did not always protect you and your sister from the worst of your Mum's excesses. Infact people who come from dysfunctional families can take on defined roles. Think the book "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward has a section on controlling parents - you may want to read that as well.

You have my sympathies if your Mum is narcissitic as well. Am sincerely glad to read that you got away from your nasty NPD husband. There is an earlier thread on these pages about NPD - this is good to read too. That also carries some links about NPD which you may want to look at too.

My FIL is very much a bystander in their relationship and MIL is the controlling and narcissitic one wanting to know every minutae of detail, wanting to be the centre of the her sons' worlds.

If your mum hasn't told your sister she plans to give her money then getting upset because she hasn't been told and "is paying for it" is just silly. Your sister may prefer to pay for it herself and not have your mum controlling things anyway. I would avoid your mum for a bit. This is for her and your sister to sort out, don't get caught in the middle. It sounds as though she's only making a fuss because she's not the first to know if she's just vaguely busy. I tend to avoid discussing other family members "news" with members of my family though. It's easy to upset people by them feeling they should have known first, or the member whose news it is wanting to tell other family members themselves and feeling annoyed you've beat them to it. Just stick to your own stuff and avoid family gossip.

2rebecca - I agree, I usually avoid discussing family news as well, but i got carried away today - it isn't nice to do and I should have stopped as soon as a realised that my mum didn'y have all the information.

But it is done now - it is just the consequences that I have to deal with!