feel trapped.......

[debs05]

I have posted my first message last wk about husband affairs. Its been a yr and I am still devastated. Last thread asked me whether I loved him, answer is I think so.I dont know any different. We have never had an equal partnership, I have always looked after the 5 kids full time and I have spent many nights depressed on my own while hes working, but it turns out he chose to have affairs and not come home to me.

Now he tells me he loves me, he wants his life back, but Im tormented by the thoughts of it all. I was with him when the last slag threw herself at him, we were at a bbq and I went to the toilet crying cos I was so upset, stupid me never said anything to her, the whole of the next day we argued and then two days later he met her for sex. My god just typing this I feel such a mug. How can he break my heart and then tell me he loves me. I agree with other threads about breaking free but he says he never wanted to leave me and wants his family back. I work, Im at Uni, but when Im with him I feel like hes in charge. I hate myself for not having more self esteem and throwing him out. Thats why I cant move on I have a voice in my head telling me Im a mug.

I think the key words are "he wants his life back" - he is not sorry or he would have changed his behaviour. He wants his cake and eat it.
You can and will move on. Please go and get counselling
The book "Women who love too much" will help to explain why you feel you cant move on.
I was in a similiar situation but with help I did move on and thank God my children and I have a happy life. You must do it for yourself and your children

OMG you sound like an amazing woman! He sounds like a total loser - how on earth did you become a couple? He does not deserve you!

Oh, poor you. He is a terrible and selfish person. Agree with twicebitten. He does not appear to be sorry for the pain he has caused you.

The most bizarre thing is he says hes sorry and I believe him. Why do we make excuses for them? hes has a shit life, mum killed herself, abusive dad ect, but I tried to save him a and give him the family he never had.

Ive also had a shit life, alcoholic, agoraphobic complete pain in the arse mother, father who died of cancer at 53. Why have I given so much to everyone and the only thing I thought I had that was stable, was my marriage. If Id known hed cheated when I had my first son a yr after we married I was so young only 24 my life could of been so different. That lasted two years, god Im in pieces tonight, crying like mad. I love him, but Im devastated. Shit I hate myslef,.

Don't hate yourself - it is not your fault - I would suggest getting to Relate quickly for some serious counselling - if your DH is serious about staying together he will go - if not - you need to start planning an exit strategy - do you have support in RL ? If you can have 5 children and run a house etc you have many skills - organisation, self reliance - it's better/easier with a partner but only if they share and support you - if not - then you will probably be happier long term going it alone , but try counselling first !

Oh Debs - the only person you can change is you - it took me a long time to learn that.
Your life will be so different if you take that leap into the dark.
Get help - go to counselling for yourself not to save the marriage - read the book - there is light at the end of the tunnel
There is nothing to be ashamed of - so many people have gone through this
You will be stronger. you have your children - do it for them and yourself

I think your alchoholic mother might be at least partly responsible for your low self esteem. You say you believe him, but it sounds to me like you have doubts. I wouldn't stay with a man who did this to me. Ironically, I too come from an alcoholic home. But, I got out a long time ago. I could go on, but this thread isn't about me so I won't.

I think you have some self esteem issues to addres here. But, that doesn't reduce the seriousness of your husbands horrible selfish behaviour.

Don't hate yourself you have done nothing at all to reproach yourself about

He's a cunt

Don't allow yourself to be treated in anyway other than nicely ever again.

No good will come from him. Honestly.

I know my low self esteem comes from my mum, when I wouldnt look after her she said I was selfish, I gave up a good job in the City to be her carer at aged 20. Why do I feel so worthless when I feel so proud of my kids. They are my voice, I am proud to have coped and they are my recognition, does this make sense. People tell me what a good mum I am and how lovely my kids are, well why didnt he???. When I look at him I cant believe its him thats caused me so much hurt when he knows what Ive been through. My first was premature and all the rest have not been easy births and Ive had no family support, but he has not been there for me.

These are very different issues, please don't try to make sense of them lumped together.

He's honestly not worth further analysis.

Your worth as a human isn't measured by what people say or how selfless you are or even by how others behave toward you.

I think you could do with some counselling to find yourself again (although that sounds American) although it doesn't always seem obvious we are more than the sum of our day jobs be they wonderful mum; selfless daughter or put upon wife.

yes you are right ronaldinhio, I feel like ive been shit on all my life. When everyone else shit on me I thought I had my husband on my side, now I can trust no-one (except close girlfriends). Have tried relate - 1 session, he said sorry, they said he chose me, move on £50 thank you.

Have had counselling at Uni, every time she spoke about what hed done I felt like I had to stick up for him. How messed up am I?.