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Think there's trouble brewing
pie · 29/03/2003 09:13
As some of you may know I am now 11 weeks pregnant with an unplanned baby. I got pregnant with a coil in place, but I very much want this baby. Indeed the only reason I still had the coil after 3 years was at my DH's request. He has asked me to have a termination and when we first saw the baby's heartbeat he cried and left the room...he had honstly hoped I was having an ectopic pregnancy of a m/c.
Since then things have been strained to say the least. But he has been trying to be nice to me. The trouble is I feel differently about him. I know I still love him but I feel very much out of love with him, if this makes sense.
Our sex life is non existent. Indeed even with my extreme morning sickness (which put me in hospital for 5 days) I have still you know what for him as he has seemed stress, but despite that he has not seen fit to give me an orgasm in 7 weeks. To be honest I don't really want to get jiggy with him, I just see it as representative.
I have been on the floor for the best part of the week with a very bad bachache, yet still get up every morning with the DD and take her to nursery. This morning I go up to find that he still hadn't done the washing up, it has been there since Wednesday. So I have done it and cleaned the kitchen floor, even though the pain brought tears to my eyes.
I'm crying still but because I feel like I'm living with a stranger. He won't get up till about 12 or 1 today and I know that I will spend every moment watching him and hating everything he does.
I have just seen him so differently since I found out I was pregnant. I think that he has acted cowardly and indecently. And that even though I have been very ill he still does nothing to help around the house. He goes to college 2 days a week and is at home the rest of the time so he is here and able to help. I have asked my mum to come round a few times to help with the housework, and as soon as she leaves he has a go at me for asking for help.
My mum is livid about the way he has been acting and its also getting very hard to try to placte her so she doesn't kill him.
The worst thing is that he honestly doesn't think there is anything wrong. When I have tried to broach the subject he tells me that I'm a drama queen.
I just don't know what to do.
Mum2boy · 29/03/2003 10:35
Pie I was in your situation three years ago, although it was with my first child. DH had other children from a previous marriage but they were much older teenagers and lived with their mother. I think dh was hoping that we would never have any children, because we'd been together a long time when I fell pregnant (unplanned). I had tried to discuss having a child with him before, but he always managed to fob me off so we never really got it resolved.
Anyway he reacted like your dh, was extremely unhappy about it and our relationship suffered quite badly for a while. I sank into a depression and he stopped telling me he loved me (first time he'd ever done that). I went through a very difficult time thinking that he was going to leave and I went to all my doctors' appointments alone, except for a few times when my mother came with me. I used to lie awake at night, sometimes in tears because I felt so alone.
It really only got better when ds was born. I guess because dh could physically see him, he had no choice but to accept him and now he loves him very much. I was very lucky too, I had a good baby that really was not much trouble at all, and my parents helped out a lot (to relieve the tension). Like your mum, both my parents were disgusted with him and they came so close to saying something to him, but didn't want to rock the boat even further.
I think your relationship can be salvaged if he does a 'turn around' and decides to help you and support you through this. It took me a long time to stop resenting dh for the way he had treated me, but in the months after ds was born, he really did help me quite a lot and tried to put on a positive front. I guess you & your dh will have a bit more on your plate because you have another dd as well, but if you manage to pull together (and make sure you have some outside help & support), I think things can definitely improve... hope all goes well for you.
Ghosty · 29/03/2003 10:51
Pie... I am sorry you are having such a bad time ... not sure what to suggest really ... have you tried sitting him down and telling him how this has made you feel? Explaining why despite his wishes for a termination there is no way you (as a mother) could terminate your own baby? Has he understood your side at all? I know that if I was in your shoes I would be feeling exactly the same resentment and loss of faith in my DH ...
I hope you manage to find a way through this soon ... thinking of you , G XXXX
webmum · 31/03/2003 13:59
I cannot give you any advice I'm afraid, but only my heartfelt support. It must be dreadful going trough your pregnancy like this.
I remember feeling very lonely because dh was always so busy and always had something else on his mind, but at least I knew he wanted the baby. (but I still felt resentful at ahving to do everything on my own: tests, ante natal classes, planning, etc).
So I can just about imagine a bit of your feeling. I sincerely hope things will get better for you and dh. Best of luck
bells2 · 01/04/2003 11:27
Pie, this really sounds like a dreadful situation. I don't have anything constructive to add but I just hope you can convince him while the baby was an accident, it is a reality and you very much want it. I hope you manage to impress upon him how you really need his support. Good luck.
grommit · 01/04/2003 11:35
Pie - this must be awful for you - you need all the support you can get at this time. I would keep trying to reason with your dh - calmly try to talk to him and explain how you are feeling. If cleaning the kitchen floor or any other heavy tasks are painful - leave them - your heath is more important. I hope things improve for you soon.
metrobaby · 01/04/2003 12:04
What an awful situation.
You're not being a drama queen.
I would second the others and talk to him how your're feeling. Maybe he is acting this way as he is still coming to terms with the baby and this is the only way he knows how to deal with it. He prob doesn't realise the extent of his actions are having on you.
A friend of mine (bloke) was in a similar situation. He was about to split from his grilfriend but then she announced she was pregnant. He was devasted at the time and he didn't want the baby. He treated her awfully whilst she was pregnant, and their relationship was strained. However like Mum2Toby's dh, he completely turned around once his ds was born. 3.5 years later they are still together and he adores his ds.
Hope it works out for you.
NQWWW · 01/04/2003 15:03
Pie - sorry to hear about the awful time you're having. It is miserable when you need support so much and feel you're not getting it.
Your dh says there's nothing wrong and you say he's trying to be nice to you - maybe he just needs some time to get used to the idea. I know its hard, but IMO you need to shut out your opinion of his behaviour and look after yourself in the meantime - be selfish and don't do more housework than you feel able. Try not to hate him for it - that can do no good. You have to accept that he does feel differently from you about this baby at the moment, he's probably finding it hard to cope with himself, and possibly dealing with it in the best way he can?
Men have been known to storm out / rant and rave / resort to violence in similar circumstances. Of course you want him to instantly forget that he didn't want a baby, totally accept the situation and enter into the pregnancy with the same joy you have, but I very much doubt this ever happens.
When my dp eventually came round to my first pregnancy (he did the ranting and raving and then the complete cold shoulder for a couple of months, followed by a fairly long defrosting) I felt really sorry for him for having missed out on the joy I felt from the start and the excitement of those first few weeks. Now he loves his ds as much as any dad.
Hopefully in a couple of weeks you'll be over the morning sickness and better able to cope anyway - I'm sure the kitchen floor can wait.
Glad to hear you've got the support of your mum, but better tell her the best thing for her to do is understand that he needs to get his head round it and that you just need her to be there for you in the meantime - her getting angry can only lead to trouble IMO.
Bugsy · 01/04/2003 16:50
Pie, big cyberhugs. I am so sorry for your situation. I think some men just are not good at being responsible. My dh went into a decline when I told him that I was pregnant with our second, even though we had specifically been trying for a baby!!!!
I really don't know what to suggest. It sounds like you are saying the right things to him but he is not listening to you. Would it be worth telling him how you really feel - that you are so out of love with him etc. Do you think that might shock him into pulling his finger out?
Clarinet60 · 08/04/2003 22:11
Big cyberhugs too. I went through something similar with DH (not helping) when I was ill with sickness, after a miscarriage, during another threatened m/c and after a c/section. I felt worthless, like an animal whose suffering didn't matter.
No advice yet, I'm afraid, just wanted you to know I've been there and feel for you.
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