Am I wrong with asking for this??????????????????????

[BubblesDeVere]

At the minute, i am fed up to the back teeth with how things are going at home.

All i seem to do is wash, cook, iron, clean, look after the kids and other housework, the only time i have to myself is 2 nights out of 10 where i put the kids to bed and go to bed early.

When dh is home, all i seem to do is come on here (not just mumsnet, but commie in general) because there is no conversation whatsoever, all he does is sit and watch tele and look at teletext for the horseracing results.

I had planned to go out this weekend but had to cancel becuase of dd2 being ill, so i have been out once since the end of last september, dh goes out maybe once or twice a month and is usually so ill the next day he may as well not be here.

If i mention going out together he usually says he can't afford it, but he goes out and has about 15 pints and then goes onto spirits, surely if he knocked one on the head then we could go out together.

Anyway, what i am going to do is insist that one night a week we have no television when the kids are in bed and talk, play board games listen to music, basically something so that we can have a conversation

Do you think this is too much to ask? Have you got any more suggestions that don't cost much money?

lol TokenBloke! I have a plan - pounce on him and kidnap him the second he leaves work (that should keep the adrenalin pumping) Usher him thru the door to a house full of mess/washing up/stinky nappies etc etc and so he should be well up for sorting it all out. Hooray!!!

Sounds easy enough to me?!!?

Or organise a day out with some girls, catch a film, have lunch, a bit of shopping, etc. Let him have the kids all day for once!

Word of warning though, men keep score, so if he babysits for you, he will expect more than double from you! I agree that you should assign him certain tasks, ones that you can say are difficult for you to do, such as emptying the bins, vacuuming upstairs (oooh, it's too heavy, could you possibly......? Oh thank you! How masculine your arms look whilst you are doing that hoovering! etc)

Joking aside though, your dh does sound like he is using you as a doormat. Telling you that he can't (won't) spend any time with you because of lack of funds and then going out and blowing around £50 on booze (£2 a pint, 10 pints a night, that's £20 not counting the spirits, change for a game of pool, the taxi, slot machines, etc). Not doing any housework and leaving you to raise your children, well you might as well be a single mum! Be tough with him, it's time his behaviour shaped up a bit.
Good luck!

Well, we actually played a board game last night and had a chat too, i really enjoyed it, but the only thing that really spoiled it was the fact that i have discovered that my dh has a very competitive streak, which i don't, i just played it for sheer enjoyment.

Ho hum, back to the drawing board.

Let me get this straight Bubbles - you do everything around the house, housework, cooking, childcare. Don't mean that to sound aggressive, BTW sorry if it comes across like that.

Does your DH actually do anything at all (and I mean even the smallest thing, like putting the rubbish out) to help you out around the house, take the children off your hands for an hour so you can have a bath when he gets in from work, or take them out shopping for an hour or so you can ou your feet up and relax?

Janos, you don't sound aggressive at all, yes i do do everything, he occasionally puts the rubbish out but not often, he has gone to do the shopping now but only because dd2 is ill and he knows that she will be grumpy, crying and clingy. I will have to put all the shopping away when he gets home etc. He tends to think that his days off work are exactly that, doesn't seem to realise that i don't have any time off whatsoever, whenever i have a bath the kids always come upstairs and sit at the side of me so i can't even have a soak and do some reading. THe one time i get to myself is 2 nights out of 10, the kids go to bed at 7 and i usually go at the same time, and lie in bed watching a dvd.

Divide his "days off" into one day off each. If it is so easy looking after children, he has no grounds to complain about doing it. Also when it is your "day off", leave the house, leave the kids, leave chores, grocery shopping, walk in at half past 6, say"whats for dinner?", and every time your kids come near you say "Oooo, daddy wants you!". Then slump on the sofa for the rest of the evening and do exactly what he does.

Colditz, you don't know how good that sounds to me lol.

sorry TokenBloke I disagree with your adrenalin theory. I work, DH is "manmum" (his new phrase to describe himself). I get home after long day in stressful office, 1.5 hour commute, get in and start tidying/loading dwasher, put ds to bed, do laundry, get stuff ready for the am etc etc, usually stopping around 10pm. DH, who is home all day, cooks dinner and then stops doing anything more strenous than changing channel (repeatedly). Might be contentious but I think men are pre-programmed to let "mum" take charge in a way that girls aren't.

By the way TokenBloke - whats all that channel flicking about? why can't a bloke just watch a programme without having to flick?

Yes allicatsq - your a woman - its different as you are not inherently lazy to boot. Simple algebra : tired bloke + messy house = bloke watching tv in messy house. tired lady + messy house = tidy house + very tired lady!!

God, I should become a feminist.

Not really much of a channel flicker myself. As soon as there is nothing worthwhile on I tend to abandon dw to yet another episode of portland babies and disappear to watch tv on the computer.

Please excuse my shocking grammar - that's "You're a woman"...

I forgive you TB. But I still need an answer to the channel flicking thing. Last night I was watching something and he came in and flicked, left it on cbeebies (this is at 9ish so was a dead channel) and left the room, without uttering a word. Tis a compulsion.

anyone know why they do this or is it just mine??

I would suggest he's just trying to wind you up!

Hmm, TokenBloke I don't know about women not being inherently lazy...I'm a shocking layabout and do minimum housework possible!

Seriously tho..Bubbles, you seem to have a lot to put up with because reading your comments here it doesn't look like you get a break at all and that isn't fair. If your DH gets one then you deserve one too. Why not?

I hope you don't think I'm out of line but frankly your DH sounds like a bit of spoilt brat. I'm guessing he was waited on hand and foot b4 you married him. Am I right?

I must say to you all I feel so lucky that I am a single parent!

I moan and cry, a n whince about being single but as soon as I haer someone else complaining about their partner I ealise Im actually really happy. I have 2 great kids and a very supportive mam. Whats mines my own and all decisions are mine alone.

Dont get me wrong its not easy but you ahve all made me feel a bit better.

Sorry I wasnt much help!
Thanks.

Seriously though BubblesDeVere, I did that to my dp, he was not happy, but I told him that unless he wanted to do Avon, that was the way it was!

I am in total and utter shock, without being asked to do so he has just got the vacuum out and done the living room, the first time since we have had the new carpet down.

i think its to do with age - not that i have any idea how old you both are - but (and i may be wrong) im guessing your in your 30's, women of my generation (early 20's) just don't put up this kind of (to be blunt) crap.
we both work full time we have 1 dd (5) and i get her ready in the mornings and he does her homework and dinner in the evenings, when i get home i do our dinner and we both have abit of a tidy round. we spend our weekends doing the cleaning and paying bills and shopping and visiting family and sometimes seeing friends. sometimes at the weekend he will take dd to the wacky or to see his mum while i clean or have a rest.
I have never done his ironing we both do our own as and when it needs doing and we both iron dd's stuff.
he does most things with the garden and i do DIY (unless it involves using a drill in which case he loves it lol)
he always has dd for a few hours on a saturday as i usually go to college.
we both chill out together in the evenings after one of us has put dd to be bed at 7pm.
we either watch tv, go to bed early, have a bath or play on the computer. we never just sit and ignore each other - i would be outraged!
we don't go out much - usually cuz i can't be bothered but he goes out a few times a mth not late just for a couple of pints and to catch up with his mates.
he never complains if i do want to go out tho, infact he encourages me but im 15 weeks pregnant and i'd rather stay in

i think more women should fight for equality, they're his children too and theres no reason he can't do things for them and let you have a break - even if you do the majority because hes at work most of the time. him goin to work is not enough on its own!
as for him spending all your money well your better off without him at all - you are married its a partner ship (look at it like a business if you have to- in a way) it may be that he funds it but your are the manager and labourer and you deserve your cut!
when he's out hes not jsut spending his money he's spending money that could be spent on the house or the children or a holiday or for you to go out together!

It must be something in the water her lol, because a few of my friends complain of the same thing with their dh's. Yes Kelli you are right, i am in my early thirties and dh is quite a bit older and didn't leave home until he was 35 so used to his dear old mam doing absolutely everything for him.

I think its more to do with him not leaving home until so late than actual age. DH and I are in our 30s and I would not be happy with what you put up with Bubbles. Still maybe there's an improvement on the horizon, hey.

Me and my DP are both mid twenties - it's not about age: hes just a lazy git

I agree with bozza. Blokes that go straight from living at home to living with partner never get forced to fend for themselves. If they live by themselves/ with friends then they have a choice of living in a pigstye or cleaning.

Personally, I spent two of my years at uni living in a house with seven girls. So unsurprisingly, I never really got the chance to live like a slob and they certainly weren't going to wait on me hand and foot!

Stop washing his clothes and tell him that you are also working only 8-9 hrs a day and you didn't have time to do it, send the kids tobed and head off for a walk or night out before he gets out. The children will be watched by DH while TV looks after DH. Men!!!

Tokenbloke - unfortunately my DH never did that. Went straight from home to living with me. But a lot of years later things have improved greatly.