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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should i stay?

18 replies

Tumi · 22/01/2009 14:52

I have been in a relationship with him for a year now, he has cheated on me twice, beaten me up and never says thank you when i do something good for him. He works at a coffee shop and i met him when he came to deliver coffee for my boss, i am a PA and ever since then my life has never been the same. He has this control over me that i cant seem to run away from everytime i tell myself and pack my bags i always return back without him even asking me to come back, i have lost the person i truely am and continuosly thinking and checking on him if he is not messing up. I am unhappy but why am i still with him? he works in the same company with the girl he cheated with and i remember when i caught them at midnight he chased me away for her and i was the one who went back to him.. he promised that he changed but he is worse than he was before.

I need help or else i will literally go crazy

OP posts:
saythatagain · 22/01/2009 14:54

You know what to do, but doing it is going to be hard from what you've said. Don't underestimate the power of your mind. Have you got a circle of friends that can help you through this. One thing is for sure - he will not change, but you already know that don't you? Good luck x

poshwellies · 22/01/2009 14:56

No-he's beaten you,leave asap!

youknownothingofthecrunch · 22/01/2009 14:57

You deserve so much better than this. Please get away from him, saythatagain is right, he won't change. Do you have anyone in real life to turn to?

Buda · 22/01/2009 15:00

Pretend you are reading your post and is is from your friend or sister. Should she stay?

Original poster
Tumi · 22/01/2009 15:01

He stopped me from having friends and the only friend i could ever have was him, i have no one but myself ...

OP posts:
saythatagain · 22/01/2009 15:10

Well, you have friends here. Use this place for support and advice. It will be invaluable to you, not from me but people who have been there and come out at the other side. I think someone will mention Refuge too. x

Pinkfox · 22/01/2009 15:28

I knows its hard to accept, but I think you have written on here so you can see it in B&W, you HAVE to leave.

Is there someone at work you can confide in?? Have you contacted Women's Aid or Samaritan's, they may be able to help or offer strong advice/support??

I really think you need to talk to SOMEONE, you need to find strength and support, writing on here is a great first step, im sure someone will reply who has been in your situation and come through it.

Good luck and keep coming on here for lots of support and help x

lessonlearned · 22/01/2009 15:29

Run as fast as you can and don't look back. It has been a bad first year and it will be a bad rest of your life if you don't get away from this toxic man.

toomanystuffedbears · 22/01/2009 18:25

Say "no". Say "no" out loud, say "no" silently, say "no" in your dreams. Every time a thought creeps into your brain about this man, say "NO".

Say "no" to him. Say "no" to him everyday. Say "no" for anything he asks/commands. The cute little boy routine will not work. The angry monster will not work. The mature man will not work. Whatever "act" he throws your way, will not work.

Mean it! The first few times may be challenging but you MUST do it. No one is there to fight for you/your honor, then fight for yourself.

Do not be afraid to be alone. There are worse things than being alone, and you are definitely submerged/drowning in "worse".

Love yourself. Take care of yourself. Now is time for YOU. Now is about YOU, not him; never him again.

No NO no No NO no No NO no No NO no

Take care, and best wishes.

fuckitgoblin · 22/01/2009 18:26

of course you shouldnt stay
but you know this already

Gettingagrip · 22/01/2009 18:32

traumatic bonding

dittany · 22/01/2009 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

warthog · 22/01/2009 19:00

get out. you will NEVER regret it.

Original poster
Tumi · 23/01/2009 13:26

Deep inside my hear i know it is the right thing to do and that is to leave, i am staying at my sisters tonight and will be taking the rest of my staff tomorrow.

Lord give me the strength to actually do what my heart desires.

Thank you everyone for your support and i will keep you updated.

OP posts:
mankymummy · 23/01/2009 13:36

I have just split with my DP because I realised he was making me into a person I was not. Always putting me down, making me scared with his anger. Nothing anywhere near as bad as what you are going though.

I just wanted to say its only been a few days but even now I feel back to my old self.

Have you got somewhere to go?

Can you make a plan to keep yourself busy once you leave?

You know you are better off without him, and to be honest, better you leave with some dignity than he eventually leaves you for another woman giving you no choice (sorry if that sounds harsh).

Original poster
Tumi · 23/01/2009 13:58

It does not sound harsh at all but reality, Thank you mankymummy and you know what i will leave with dignity

OP posts:
bubblagirl · 23/01/2009 14:15

all i can say thats alot to have happened in a yr this should be honeymoon period you need to get out you seem dependant on him dont be they will only do what you allow them to do and by running back he has no reason to change and even if he could his not right for you

to do all this isnt someone you should be with a yr should be haoppy you shouldnt have gone through this

why do you still want him, what does he do to make you happy, are you more dependant on proving to yourself you can change him or make this work believe me it wont

4 years well nearly 5 i went through this now i cant believe i did it isnt easy stepping away as you feel you have failed but when you get over the initial shock get your life back on track and full whole heartedly 100% happy you will feel relieve dthat you took the steps to get away and i couldnt be happier

dotn allow him that control and gain it back for yourself move on and klet his life go no where but dont gop no whrere with him make a life for yourself the ultimate revenge

bubblagirl · 23/01/2009 14:16

sorry for typos im rubbish lol

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