I am needy

[Quadrophenia]

My last relastionship was for 10 years and throughout pretty much the whole of it I didn't feel respected or loved. I now recognise in myself that i am very needy of love and affection. i am really concerned about the possible impact this neediness may have on future relationships. Have been having a bit of a fling with someone and despite there being few feelings involved i crave his attention so much, if he doesn't text me ring me etc I feel really shit. I don't want to be needy, i don't want to act like I'm 16 and insecure, but i feel it. is it normal to feel like this? will i get over it? help???lol

I'm similar! But don't blame it all on yourself -- to be honest, I think if a man doesn't ring or text very often, your feeling "like shit" is natural and is your brain's way of warning you that he doesn't look particularly keen. Don't try to justify it all away into "I'm needy".

Do you go off men when they do seem vvv keen, call all the time, text constantly, never leave you guessing, etc?

Oh, and you will get needier if you shag men, especially in a fling/no-strings situation. Not shagging them until you know they are vvvv interested in you is the easiest way to keep your neediness in control. Women's bodies release lots of bonding hormones when we have sex, and it makes us very "invested".

Perhaps it's your subconscious telling you, this sort of relationship arrangement isn't for you? And similarly, the last long relationship that eventually ended, perhaps it should have ended sooner?

I think it's completely normal to want to feel loved and respected.

I think when we are feeling a bit insecure about something, it is natural to think about it, worry about, theorize, build up any niggles and over analyse it to death - standard female reaction when insecure! Sounds like you think it is all in his hands and up to him to call the pace while you run circles around him wondering and worrying about each move. You need to relax and find some other things in your life to distract you, fill your time up and help put this fling into a better perspective. don?t let it make your entire life and being all stop still while the fling goes on - there must be plenty of other things in your life to balance you out. Bit like having a healthy balanced diet. It will make you happier, less likely to obsess and possibly seem even more interesting and rounded person.

well the thing is about this 'fling' is actually that they guy does seem to be more interested than i do. So immediately if he doesn't text me back or whatever i analyse what i have done wrong.

lemontart you are so right about filling my time, what you have posted makes alot of sense. I sit on facebook, just in case he logs on and throws me a few crumbs how bloody sad is that!!

you are not sad - you are just being human
Why not organise a girly night in (or out!) and go have some fun - be nice to yourself and relax and enjoy life with your mates

yeah i am doing stuff like that, have plans for the weekend, but I still sit there looking at my phone, 10 years ago before I met xp mobile phones were not really around, my god do they make things bloody harder!!!

Is it that you have low self-esteem, and therefore judge your own value by how much attention a man gives you? I think that's a very common problem. My Mum used to be baffled that I could have a great job, lots of friends, a good life - yet feel totally worthless if the man I was seeing didn't ring me. Often the men in question were nothing special, I didn't even have to like them that much, they still seemed to determine how worthy I felt as a human being. When I look back I can barely believe I spent 5 minutes thinking about any of them, let alone allowing their level of interest to dictate my mood for days on end.

If it is a self-esteem issue, is there any way you can work on this? Self-help books maybe? Just a thought.

Quadrophenia
alot of us have been there if not when teenagers but now as grown women
and it can be hard and yes the mobile thing does make it worse to a greater extent
there are alot of self help books out there
or some really good sites
baggage reclaim is one that springs to mind you will probably relate to alot of what is offered on there
but yes a girls night out is always an excellent tonic!

Hi Q.

I know just how you feel. Was acting 15 again over an ex. I knew if I ever saw him I would revert back to when we were teenagers but when we talked I really blinking did!

thank you for your thoughts and suggestions. The strange thing is i really don't think I suffer from low self esteem. Was giving hoochiemomma's post some thought though and i'm wondering if its to do with body issues i have. i know I'm not unattractive, i know I'm fairly clever fun to be with etc, but I am overweight with child bearing bumpy bits and stretch marks. I have always kind of embraced my womanhood but deep down i know its not the most attractive of bodies!
I think being starved of love and attention in my prior relationship has made me desire it perhaps more, to experience feelings I thought i would never feel again. I'm liking the idea of self help books...very bridget jones

no it isn't lol!
it obviously works as you can identify and understand
and anyway any bloke who would say or make me feel that way about myself would be told to fcuk off in no uncertain terms!

this guy says all the right things and as I said is probably more keen than i am, my neediness is therefore so odd and not justified, but I can't help it. I am going to try though, this morning I went out for coffee so i didn't sit in with face book on, god i sound completely mad!!!