Sad, Lonley, Confused and Alone.

[melly407]

I really dont know where to go go from here.
To cut to the point,
DH got made redundant in April last year, with dd1 and dd2 and me pregnant, the stress was terrible. I cant fault that he did his upmost to look for another job. (although sometimes lagging) During this time he took up smoking Cannabis. When i caught him, i had all the usual crap that he would stop etc, this went on throughout the whole of pregnancy, me catching him, him promising to stop, the lies etc. He really hurt me in the sense that i dont trust him. Eventually he found a job and on the day he was due to start i went in to labour! 19th august. (typical!!)
He was very distant at the birth, at one point i reached out to cuddle him and he pulled away. he seemed to be in a rush to go home. He told me that he would collect dd1 and dd2 from mums and bring them up to see me. He then left b4 i even went on the ward. I waited, waited and waited. nothing.
he then dropped off a couple of bits for me at 9ish and left.
I asked him to come up early the next day so i could get out of there, my mum rang and rang to get him up, in the end she went over to ours to get him up, only to find the house was a mess after she had tidied for me whilst we was at hospital and he still in bed! He eventually came to get me and we went home. his friend was at ours, then DH said he was going to shops with friend as friend was upset about waiting so long at hosp for us. (he was the one that gave us a lift) so first day home and he went out! Have sinse found out that he was stoned throughout the labour and rushed off to get his next joint!
This totally distroyed me.
He then starts his new job, three months in and he finally gives up cannabis. then we hit a new problem, Friday night, he goes to the pub after work, he not tell me, i call him and he sayes he leaving and coming home, still nothing, try ringing him again, he ignor his phone, this goes on all night, untill he eventually comes home, pissed and declaring his love for me, cant say enough sorries and sayes it wont happen again. This carried on happening every week sometimes a couple of times a week, i never no where he is, he ignor his phone all the time and the lies i get from him, on the odd accasion i do get him on his mobile, i get, "im at the station" "im on the train" "leaving now" and then i dont see him for hours. He is so easily led. One time he missed his last train home, had to walk miles and forgot to take his medication as he was so drunk. (he type 1 diabetic)after each time i get the broken promises of he will never do it again, he will tell me, he will cut down on the pub and drinking etc etc, well we still at this stage he fcks up, i have to forgive him untill the next time. Yes i do have a problem with alcohol, my dad being an abusive alcoholic, i dont mind DH drinking, but he cant do it sensibly, its all or nothing with him. Im so scared that he will develop a problem (seems to heading that way, more drinking, more often, started drinking xmas day morning, the hidden bottle of wine in kitchen etc) he sayes im over reacting, maybe i am, im just scared thats all, ive told him this and it dont make an ounce of difference. He is a good dad to 2 of our kids (DD1 & DS3) DD2 is a live wire and yes although difficult at times, he has no bond with her, he pushes all the wrong buttons and when she retaliates he punishes her. But he cant see this. He was telling me and his friend last night that i should not trust her alone with baby as she punched him in the face. I came back with, i can trust her she would not do it on purpose, but according to him, DD2 stated "daddy im gunna punch Zak in the face (whilst baby was on DH knee) i then asked what did you say, DH said no you not hurt him it naughty, apparently she then just did it.! when asked what brought this on DH said that he was playing with her and she started to get wound up. DH type of games are to hold her down so she cant move, push her, take toys from her, teasing her, she proberly retaliated lashing out at baby as she cant get to him. Both myself and DH friend said the same, but when i say this, he not having this convo with me, basically cause he dont like hearing it. Its amazing how everyone else can see what he like with DD2 and other things except him. Now DD2 (aged just 4yrs) has another tag put on her. Ive always said to him, that he has no bond with her, yes she was a hard baby but she has got easier, you have to know her to know how to deal and distact her, know what not to do to get her going. DH does the opposite af this.
At the weekends DD1 AND DD2 see there dad either sleeping on the sofa or on the xbox. They choose to spend time with me rather than him, despite me being with them 24/7 he only see them for short periods in morning and somtimes at night.
We have tried to sort out this mess loads of times, the last being when he went out last friday night, after i asked him not to go as we had his family down the next day and i dont want him to sleep and leave me to it. (he was re-united with his dad a year ago, so they still building a relationship together) well he went out after saying he was only staying for one and he would be home early (b4 midnight) he came in at 1am drunk, and then slept through the entire visit of his dad on the sofa on and off, despite me waking him politely, they made their excuses and left.
After they left he sat on the xbox and then slept whilst i sorted kids etc. Weekend b4, it was DD1 birthday party, he was out the night b4, so i had to get all ready and then at the end of party he fcked of upstairs leaving me, my mum and DH friend to tidy up, whilst he went for a sleep. (he had been drinking in the day, he cant handle his drink)
I really dont know where to go from here. he has hurt me so much, he makes endless broken promises and the relationship he has with DD2 really hurts me. Yes i am moany and do go on, im not attractive, over weight. But i take care of my kids the best i can, keep house. Maybe i just need a life. i cant see us lasting together, i used to think we where forever and so proud of that, i dont know where i stand with him. i never know what he up to, he has a totally different life when not at home. The lies i get. the broken promises, he seems to think that when we have our little relationship talks all well again, he cant understand to damage he caused. I know for sure that i cant go on like this, i dont want kids in seperated family, so do i put up with it or what. Couldnt even tell you if he seeing someone else, although i suspicious, i just dont know him or trust him.
Any words of wisdom would be great. not got anyone else to talk to about this.
Sorry to go on.
Mel

swewwt heart, this is no way to live.
I'm not going to go down a typical MN route and say 'leave the bastard'.. BUT
His behaviour is despicable. He needs an ultimatum. you are 'enabling' him by letting him get away with it.
What do you want to happen ideally.
Make a list of 'conditions'
let him have it...

Drinking is even worse for him than for other people, as a type 1 diabetic. Could you talk to AlAnon? They provide good support to people who are married to alcoholics (which is what your DH sounds like).

you poor thing

he needs to realise that this is not the way to provide for a family. He has let you down very badly over the birth of your DC3 and his continued drinking is going to do him serious harm if he doesn't stop.

Not wanting to excuse his behaviour, but is it possible that losing his job originally made him depressed and since then he has been in a spiral of self destructive behaviour? Often when you are in a depressive fug, it's difficult to see the damage that's being done by your behaviour.

If I were in your shoes, I'd sit him down and tell him it's not on, and that if he doesn't get help; be that from the GP or AA or Narcotics Annnymous, then I'll have no option but to ask him to leave (albeit temporarily till he sorts himself out). It might be the kick up the backside that he needs; given that you have tried to reason with him and sort it out before, it sounds like more drastic measures are called for.

Thankfully it sounds like you have supportive family and friends around you.

No trust - no relationship.

Again he is patently not a good Dad to your children here - if he was he would not behave in such a manner towards you or the children.

This is not good for either you or your children to witness; it will emotionally harm you all. You have also become his enabler. You are shielding him from the consequences of his actions.

It will have to be his choice to seek help for his problems; you cannot do this for him no matter how much you want to.

An ultimatum can only be issued if you are fully prepared to see it through.

No trust - no relationship.

Again he is patently not a good Dad to your children here - if he was he would not behave in such a manner towards you or the children.

This is not good for either you or your children to witness; it will emotionally harm you all. You have also become his enabler. You are shielding him from the consequences of his actions.

It will have to be his choice to seek help for his problems; you cannot do this for him no matter how much you want to.

An ultimatum can only be issued if you are fully prepared to see it through.

Thank you all so much for such a quick responce. I didnt expect it.
I have told him that i cant go on like this, that its not fair, and that he drinks to much, his argument being that if he where an alcoholic he would be out/drinking every night and the only reason he goes out is because hes liked and made to feel welcome and that i dont give him the attention that he wants/needs. im always moaning at him.
I dont think hes an alcoholic now, but is heading down that road.
The cannabis has stopped i think. although if he still doing it, it would explain his eratic behaviour.
I have given him so many ultimations, even to the point that ive locked him in the garden all night, its my fault that i just dont carry it through, listen to all the bull sh*t that hes gunna change.
I do want us to stay together but not the way we are at the mo.
I wish he could go back to how he was b4.
Agree with the depression thing, b4 the cannabis started, he had severe panic attacks starting from the birth of DD1 (she7yrs old now) That drove me to the point of despair. Totally sympathise with anyone that has gone through this, but on the other side, its hard to live with. He was up the hospital all the time thinking he was dying couldnt go out, spend time with us as he was so wrapped up in his illness's which changed daily.
Well our last argument/discussion of sorting this mess out, was that he is going to change and stop the pub thing etc.
I dont know?

An alcoholic does not have to go out or even drink every night. It is unfair of him to blame you for his problems. He has just swapped one addictive behaviour for another one; until he properly addresses his reasons for depression he will keep acting like this and in the meantime you all suffer as a result.

If you keep giving ultimatums they lose all their power. You cannot give an ultimatum unless you are fully prepared to see it through - there is no point in issuing them otherwise.

It may be that ultimately you will not be able to stay with him; he has to want to change and you cannot force the issue here.

He is currently dragging you all down with him; the sad thing here as well is that you are enabling him. You cannot and should not enable him; enabling gives you as well a false sense of control.

Your eldest is old enough to be taking this all in - what is she learning about relationships from the two of you?. Both of you are imparting damaging lessons here to your children; ones that may well repeat themselves in their own lives as adults. This is not a legacy you want to leave them. You need to stop thinking short term and think long term. The longer this is allowed to continue the worse it will be for you all.

He may never go back to how he was before either.

An alcoholic does not have to go out or even drink every night. It is unfair of him to blame you for his problems. He has just swapped one addictive behaviour for another one; until he properly addresses his reasons for depression he will keep acting like this and in the meantime you all suffer as a result.

If you keep giving ultimatums they lose all their power. You cannot give an ultimatum unless you are fully prepared to see it through - there is no point in issuing them otherwise.

It may be that ultimately you will not be able to stay with him; he has to want to change and you cannot force the issue here.

He is currently dragging you all down with him; the sad thing here as well is that you are enabling him. You cannot and should not enable him; enabling gives you as well a false sense of control.

Your eldest is old enough to be taking this all in - what is she learning about relationships from the two of you?. Both of you are imparting damaging lessons here to your children; ones that may well repeat themselves in their own lives as adults. This is not a legacy you want to leave them. You need to stop thinking short term and think long term. The longer this is allowed to continue the worse it will be for you all.

He may never go back to how he was before either.

"He was very distant at the birth, at one point i reached out to cuddle him and he pulled away. he seemed to be in a rush to go home. He told me that he would collect dd1 and dd2 from mums and bring them up to see me. He then left b4 i even went on the ward. I waited, waited and waited. nothing."

This is what happened when my DD was born.... The resentment I felt towards xp for doing this was the ultimate reason for us to separate. For me there was no going back from that abandonment.

I agree with ToAMountain, he needs to accept he has a problem and to start doing something about it by getting help. And he's totally wrong when he says that if he were an alcoholic he'd be out every night - he's exhibiting typical alcoholic behaviour and needs to accept it. My brother is a recovering alcoholic who certainly didn't drink every day but when he started he couldn't stop and the fall-out was devastating. He had the good sense (after a lot of false starts) to sort himself out and now goes religiously to AA.

This is no way to live melly so sit him down and talk and give him this one last chance. If he's too tied up in himself to change then you might have to consider rebuilding your life on your own. And that can be done, as I, and many others here, can testify to.

I know deep down this cant go on, and reluctantly i know i cant stay with him as much as i want us to work, ive got to decide if i give him this one last chance and just wait for him to f*ck up or not give him that opportunity.
I do love him, but hate what he is doing to us.
I suppose im just scared of the unknown future. i wish he could understand this mess and what its doing to us.

The most frightening thing about your post is his relationship with your DD.
That could be describing my relationship with my father. He screwed me up big time with his drinking and nastiness and my poor Mum has never forgiven herself for not doing something about it earlier. Also I myself have ended up having a string of abusive relationships as a result of my Dad's alcoholism. Is that what you want for your dd?
He is an alcoholic, and a cruel one at that. Without the alcohol and the cannabis he sounds like he has some mental health issues and he needs to get some help.
Listen to Attilla she talks a lot of sense (even though she's saying everything twice!)

you are not repsonsible for him.
he needs to seek help for his drinking/cannabis whatever.
he needs to go to gp and ask for counselling for his depression.

he starts to sort himself out or you are gone. suggest he takes himself to live elsewhere for a while - he can visit when he prepared to take responsibility not to sleep/drink/smoke!

it is sssooo irritating to have the kids running around and their dad is taking his siesta.

or you will need to leave him.

you are not repsonsible for him - he is an adult and only he can sort himself out

he is your husband not your child.

he is behaving like a child in need of a mother. you are not his mother.

(all things said to me which finally made me realise...and leave)