DIPLOMATS NEEDED: please help me write a difficult letter to BIL that won't result in mass fall-outs

[ThePlanningCommittee]

Wise and diplomatic MNers, I need your help. Sorry this is so long.

(deep breath)

PILs are coming up to their 50th wedding anniversary. DH has a strained and distant relationship with his parents/siblings (he left home and moved over 300 miles away on his own when he was 16).

Since DH & I have been together (6 years), I have done my best to strengthen our contact with his family, particularly PILs, as I come from a very loving and close family myself, and I know how much it means to PILs (even if DH remains detached - but I lost my Dad suddenly when I was only 29, and I know how easy it is to take these relationships for granted until it's too late).

Anyway - my In Laws in general don't operate at all like my own lot, especially when it comes to making arrangements for get-togethers/family occasions etc. I know my family are probably too far the other way in terms massively planning in advance (eg my auntie and I are under an omerta not to discuss Christmas explicitly until September ), but my BIL has just over-stepped the mark imho, and I'd really appreciate some sane advice on how to handle this, as tbh I am so livid I could punch something.

To cut a long story short, I have spent the last four months trying to liaise with BIL in Scotland and BIL in So'ton to try and get a feel for the arrangements for PIL's Golden Anniversay at the beginning of Feb. After New Year I stepped up my attempts to finalise the details as I was planning to go to Manchester to see my own family in early Feb, and I wanted to combine the travel to Scotland if possible.

Upshot is that BIL in Scotland tells me that there's nothing happening up there, and that I should talk to BIL in So'ton.

OH, AND HE & OTHER BIL HAD PUT DH & ME DOWN FOR A £200 CONTRIBUTION TO A 5 STAR HOL FOR PILs AS ANNIVERSARY PRESENT

WITHOUT ASKING EITHER ME OR DH FIRST

Unfortunately I was so gobsmacked I just went "OMG erm OK fine" - which in retrospect clearly wasn't the way I should have handled it

Now - I'm not being funny or tight-fisted here, but I have never in all my life been committed to spending anything without my prior say-so.

BIL is a dickhead at the best of times, so it doesn't surprise me that he's too thick to think that it might be a good idea to check with people re budgets before going ahead; but the bottom line for me is that
a) we're skinter than the Icelandic banks, especially after Christmas; and
b) BIL should have asked us first before assuming we could just front the cash.

So wise and diplomatic MN-ers - I'm going to send BIL a cheque for £50 with a covering letter explaining why this is less than he demanded, but as much as we would have pledged in the first instance if he'd had the sense and the plain manners to ask us. But I'm really worried that this will result in bad-feeling and war

I am really upset by this (DH is detaching and saying it's my own fault for getting involved in the first place ) and am also full of RIGHTEOUS PMT so I don't trust myself to compose anything to BIL that isn't basically "WAAAARRRGGHH!!! YOU F*ING MORON! DON@T EVER FUCK WITH ME AGAIN!" etc

But I will need to make contact with BIL soon, and I can't help feeling angry... so can the Diplomats of MN help me at all? DH is worse than useless

[needy and worried face]

Thank you in advance, wise women

Ok here is my take which you can feel free to ignore!

The " we are all giving £200" as a fait accompli is quite possibly just the way your in laws operate in lieu of actual family closeness.

Do not go in guns blazing about the utter rudeness of this assumption ( I am with you on my contempt for this , it would never happen in my family - because wwe talk to each other and have close proper loving links with each other !!! )because it will cause bad feeling as this is JUST THE WAY THEY DO THINGS.

I have seen it in other families. noone is trying to be rude or bulldoze you.

However there is a practical matter ie you can't afford £200.

Send a cheque for £50 but leave out the bit about the sense and manners.Just a nice covering note saying it 's all the family budget will allow at the mo.

FWIW I think your dh shoulfd be the one to write the cheque/note

Well, when a decision/comittment has to be reversed, I (and I learned this from my DH) blame my DH.

You might communicate:

"When I said ok to the contribution I had not checked with DH first. It looks like I should have because DH has spent the nest egg I was saving for your parents' celebration at Christmas. Sorry, 50 is all we can do now."

If bil wants to bounce that ball back at you, direct him to his brother (repeatedly if necessary), which will just disappear in the black hole of their relationship.

Ah, hemmm ....your rather intense anger may be a subconscious warning that something more is amiss.
You have put some time and concern into this celebration, but seem to have been given the run-around in getting information about it. The other brothers certainly have been in communication about it. I have to ask: are you sure you and your dh are even invited to the celebration?

If you are not given the final, definite plans and an invitation, this thought will make it easier to play it straight that your dh already spent the money.

jasper, MrsPickles, toomanystuffedbears - thanks so much for your responses

And TSB - you are right - DH refuses to engage with his family, so I find myself over-compensating I broke muy own balls (metaphorically speaking) to try and tie the Scottish contingent down.

I give up

I would say something as toomanystuffed bears suggested.

"If bil wants to bounce that ball back at you, direct him to his brother (repeatedly if necessary), which will just disappear in the black hole of their relationship."

sounds like a good strategy.

And yes do ask when and where the party is held before.

great ideas here. tmsb is probably on to something.

can i add that your efforts to organise celebrations for your in-laws may be irritating them at best. at worst, who knows . i would take this as an opportunity to take stock of how you interact with them.

you sound like an utterly lovely person.

Don't send a letter - no good will come of it

If you want to send a gift or cheque send it direct to PIL with a card - don't go via BIL

Maybe your DH has a good reason (or many good reasons?) for not wanting to engage with his family? It seems a bit presumtuous to try to build those relationships on his behalf ...

Hi TPC,

I think that TMSB's thoughts are good ones.
I also think there are wider issues here that need further thought.

You came from a very loving and close knit family unit and I can certainly see why you have acted as you have. On a wider level though you need to think about why there is this estrangement between your H and his parents in the first place. You CANNOT - and should not try to fix this - this is their issue. If your H wants to continue to disengage (I do not think it is entirely fair of him though to say well its your fault for getting involved with them in the first place) then this is his decision and its something you will need to accept hard as it is for you.

Another issue here is is that people who have come from healthy functioning families have NO idea (understandably because this is outside their normal experience) of what non healthy and dysfunctional families are actually like. To grow up within such an environment is not good (understatement) for the child now adult; it can leave these people with all sorts of problems. Your DH likely moved away from home when he was 16 for very good reason; I actually think he went through an awful lot to come to that decision.

Have you spoken to your H about his relationship with his parents?.

i'm afraid i would cease to strengthen your collective relationship with them. your dh has decided long ago that he doesn't want a close relationship. i'd delve a bit deeper as to why, and then respect his wishes.

i would phone / email and say that unfortunately, looking at your finances you are unable to commit more than £50. if you had been given more notice you might have been able to save a bit more. but ideally your dh should do this.

then STOP trying to get them involved with the celebrations. do something yourselves with pil but no more trying to bring them all together.

and thank your lucky stars that you have such a warm, loving family

Wow, thanks so much for all the replies and the excellent advice - sorry not to update sooner but had a couple of very busy days with no time to MN.

Upshot is that after a couple of days of frequent texts/messages from BiL saying "call me" (funny how he's suddenly in constant contact now money's involved after weeks of ignoring my calls when I was trying to find out what the basic plan was ), on my DSis's advice I asked DH to call BiL and set him straight.

DH initially went "urgh no I don't want to speak to that twat, I hate him" (which I'd expected), so I said OK, just think about it and we can have another chat when I get home (guess who got her period yesterday and is consequently a bit more reasonable...?)

I got in after work, and DH said "go on, give me BiL's number" and he called and left BiL the bare minimum message along the lines of sorry, we're skint, we'll send you £50 (no recriminations - DH said what's the point in trying to teach BiL when he'll never change).

A lot of the posts on here have really made me think about how I engage with my In Laws, and I think maybe I have been a bit presumptuous in the past - I'm going to leave it to DH to decide about contact in future. This whole episode has left me feeling quite ragged, and as much as I want to see PiLs as much as I can while they're still around (am really very very fond of them both), I think I need to respect DH's thoughts more as obviously it's his family not mine.

Sorry this is long and thanks so much to everyone who responded

Result!

But on the flip side, what you were advocating was your bil to take respponsibility for his parents anniversary, which he did do!