Will we ever resolve this issue? Starting to despair

[bouncingblueberries]

Had yet another row with DH last night over having another baby. We just can't talk about it sensibly or without it descending into a point-scoring exercise. It's pathetic, it truly is.

Some background: ds will be 3 in April. We live in a lovely, spacious 2 bed flat with our own good sized garden. DH works full-time and I'm self-employed working 3-5 days per week, depending how busy I am.

DH doesn't think we'll be able to have any other dc due to current recession, rotten housing market and the sky might fall in.

I on the other hand believe that it's not all doom and gloom, the recession will pass eventually and we could cope nicely in our 2 bed flat for quite some time with 2 dc.

Surely if you want something badly enough, there are always ways to make it happen? How can we get past this? I'm sick of fighting about it.

We had our 2 ds's in a small 2 bed terrace and they shared a room quite happily. Children don't "need" a bedroom each imo. They could share for years (forever really)

I am a go for it kinda person. There is never an ideal time to have a baby either imo.

Don't know how you can resolve it tho sorry. I am sure someone sensible will be along soon. Sympathies,i know it's hard to long for another lo. I have 4 now and still hanker after another x

Personally, if i'd have waited til we could have afforded another child, i'd have never had another baby.

But it seems that you and your DH are poles apart on this one. I can see where he's coming from - it is a hard time to be having another baby, and if you're ok financially now, what kind of strain would it be you giving up work for a while to look after a newborn and loosing an income.... but on the other hand, you desperately want to add to your family, and doing that should be about more then if you can afford it right now or not.

I guess a good start would be to not argue about it - if you start to argue/raise your voice, then you've lost the battle already. You need to talk about it.

Failing that, puncture a few condoms....(joking )

well I'm on 'your side' but I understand your DH's anxieties, he wants to feel confident about providing a good standard of living? do you think he puts himself under pressure in this respect?

life is unpredictable at the best of times, the recession doesn't seem like a good reason to not have another baby but clearly arguing about it isn't helping - could you leave it for a while?

I think you are fighting about it because space isn't the real issue....

My Dh is also quite negative about another child, and we have 6 bedrooms and only 3 kids (two of whom only come here at weekends - my DSDs)

How old are you? Have you got time to wait? Personally I'm with your DH in that I don't think this very moment is the time to have another baby.

If he's working full time and is the main wage earner then he probably feels hugely responsible for finding for his family. The expense of an extra baby (plus, presumably the loss of a wage from you for a period of time during your maternity leave) may just be too much pressure at the moment.

If you have the time (in terms of your age) then I'd say wait for another year.

Has your DH ruled it out altogether or just on the basis of 'not now'?

we are having this problem but the other way round DH desperate for another baby I am not sure (I was adament never ever again but have sort of considered it lately) We have 2 dd's and tbh our relationship has been rocky on and off for 4 years since dd1 born and then really went wrong for most of last year, we talked about seperation etc however we have been making a huge effort and its eems to have worked as its going so well but some of that is because dd2 is now 2 and getting easier plus dd1 off to school in september, dd2 will be at preschool and I'll get bit of my life back.

Also another baby means dd1&dd2 will have to ahare could work but not sure if it will also my mum and mil have the dd's one day a week when I work and they have both always said they'd only look after 2 of them and we couldnt afford childcare

aGalChangedHerName - I'm also a go for it kind of person! And if I thought I'd get away with it, I would have punctured a few condoms by now Deemented!!

But I want dh to want another baby. I don't want to force him into it.

I love being a mum and everything that brings with it, but I also love my job. I think that's the main difference. I don't mind earning money (apart from not being with ds if course), but dh hates his job and feels under enormous pressure - so you certainly have something there mysterymoniker.

But we have a good cushion of savings and can be very frugal when we need to, so why can't I get through to him? Why do I always end up in tears?

I'm 32. But I really feel this would be a good age-gap for ds.

I think you may be right Haribosmummy - space probably isn't the main issue. DH is naturally a negative person, can rarely see the silver lining etc.

As for the money issue, I earn more than he does. I've been very lucky so far that there is a high demand for freelancers in my line of work. I also have a core pool of clients that are happy for me to work at home and understand I have to collect from nursery at a reasonable time etc.

He's a good man, a wonderful father and I hate what this is doing to us. I just doubt whether he'll EVER think it's the magical "right time".

What about writing it all down instead of takling about it? You could say very clearly what you need him to know about how you feel. Gives him a chance to digest also and hopefully you could maybe talk about it calmly.

If he said can we wait 6 months or a year would you be willing to do that? I think you need to find out if the finances are the real reason or if he doesn't want to have more children.

Has he indicated at all that he would like more but it's just the timing?

If it's the timing i would wait a bit longer so that you can both be fully open to having another. x

maybe there is a way of tackling the underlying problems - his unhappiness about work and so on - without directly mentioning the baby issue, does he need to have more fun in his life?

That's a really good idea about writing it down - that way, he won't feel like I'm trying to emotionally blackmail him with my tears.

I've been trying to encourage him to have more fun and back in July bought him some guitar lessons and had his poor neglected guitar restrung and tuned. He's only now just got round to taking the lessons, so the jury is still out on whether it's having the desired effect! He refuses to change jobs though - better to be in a job and hate it than to be the top of the redundancy list in a new job in his opinion.

I can see his point and he has said that he's not saying never, but when he turned round last night and said there was no way we could afford to move for about another 10-15 years I just saw my fertility and any prospect of more babies flying out the door!!

Thanks for your suggestions so far everyone. It really helps just being able to talk to people and get it out my system.

Well, as suggested, I wrote it all down and felt so much better.

When DH phoned at lunchtime to see how I was I told him there was a letter waiting for him, but it was nothing serious, I just wanted to let him know how I felt without crying all over him. He agreed that was a good idea.

So he came home, read the letter and AGREED with everything I had said!!!!!!

I think I am very guilty of taking what DH says and then reading more into it. He understood why I wanted more dc and told me he does too, without a doubt. He's just terrified for the future (financially).

So we've agreed to review the situation in 6 months and see if he's any more comfortable with the idea. During that time we'll overpay the mortgage as much as possible and save hard so that I have a little nest egg in lieu of maternity pay. I still have my doubts as to whether he'll ever feel brave enough to say, yes now is the time. But at least we have an agreement.

Phew!

Thanks everyone for your help. Now what I need you all to do is sort out the economy for me so that I can get myself knocked up in 6 months time

Brilliant - so glad there has been a mutually acceptable decision.

aaaaahhh, a happy ending!