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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

After much deliberation he's finally gone, where do I go from here?

22 replies

Leavingus · 04/04/2005 07:36

Dp and I have not got on for months maybe even years. We recently went on hols and I decided that if it went badly there that it would be the last straw - needless to say it did go horribly, but it was dp that called the fianl shot. I have had to listen to constantly what a crap person I am, how he wanted to split up BEFORE i even got pg with our eldest, hence why he didn't want him. I even had to hear how his EW is his best friend (I never knew that, stupidly thought it was my role!) so he can't be such a bad person.

I am totally broken by this, under 30 with kids and he gets to walk away from a family again! What am I entitled to - We are not married. We co-own our home and theres about 100k equity in it. He has offered me 70/30% split (he gets 70), even though I will be having the children, be unable to work and he earns well over 50K a year. If I push he has told me he will just jack his job as he doesn't want to be stung again. How do I get council accomdation, or help to get a new house? Can I get the shared owndership option? Any help would be appreciated, the house is on the market this week - apparently.

OP posts:

pixiefish · 04/04/2005 07:41

Get yourself to a solicitor asap. You need legal advice and sounds like you need it quick. I'm NOT a lawyer but it sounds to me as if he's trying to rip you off with his 70/30 split.

noddyholder · 04/04/2005 07:41

I am not an expert but I don't think it is up to him to 'offer'you anything Go to a solicitor and find out what you are entitled to

Nemo1977 · 04/04/2005 07:46

firstly hun hugs..sounds like ur better off without him

I would go to CAB and tell them all of what you have said here. As for putting house on market surely they have to come and view it etc?

Nemo1977 · 04/04/2005 07:47

Also meant to say that depending on ur no. of kids etc that u should get child support at a percentage of his wage

WideWebWitch · 04/04/2005 07:49

I agree, it's not up to him to decide the split or to make all the decisions re finances/housing etc. If the children are with you it's far more likely that the split will be 70/40 in your favour tbh. A judge can order whatever he feels is appropriate for the children. Get a rottweiler solicitor and DON'T put the house on the market yet, where will you live if it's sold? Thank goodness you co own the house. I think the words 'stung again' sound totally inappropriate - what, he means he has to take responsibility for his children? Big deal? Women do it all the time ffs. Poor you, I'm sorry he's behaving so badly. Don't let him walk out and leave you totally in the shit, please.

WideWebWitch · 04/04/2005 07:50

Sorry I sound so cross, I just get so fed up with men leaving women with children and expecting to just carry on with life as if their kids don't exist/need looking after/cost money. His suggestions are pathetic tbh.

WideWebWitch · 04/04/2005 07:52

Also, the idea that he might leave his job just so he doesn't have to help towards the cost of bringing up HIS children is so offensive isn't it?! Please see a solicitor asap. Don't leave the house though, he should be the one to leave if anyone does.

Original poster

Leavingus · 04/04/2005 07:56

he is leaving, well, he said he was, but hasn't packed up his stuff. I guess he's waiting for me to do it so he can say it was my decision. I'm concerned about if I will get help though, if I have money from the sale of the house?

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 04/04/2005 08:04

Well exactly, you probably won't get much help if you have the cash from the sale but the fact remains that you DO need somewhere for you and the children to live, he can't just say 'we're selling' because he wants out. If you have more than £8k in savings you won't be entitled to anything. See a solicitor, really. You're in a worse position as you're not married but at least the house is in joint names, he can't just decide to put it on the market. Tell him to take it off the bloody market while you get legal advice.

happymerryberries · 04/04/2005 08:06

He sounds like a right shmuck!

Get a solicitor. Forget all this cobblers he is trotting out regarding support. You have a right to support for his children and he has a duty towards them. What an arse. It sounds as if you will be much better off without him.

irishbird · 04/04/2005 08:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Leavingus · 04/04/2005 08:33

we own the jouse totally jointly, if he dies its mine, if I die its his. When we bought it was on the understanding if we split it would be 50/50, as I was earning around the same as him then. However, I have not really worked since 2002, when our ds was born. Although I have contributed about 10K. I have been in sole care of our 2 kids, he doesn't see them in the week as he works early, finishes late.

He has never been tight with money toward ew, or thier kids.

OP posts:

irishbird · 04/04/2005 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MeerkatsUnite · 04/04/2005 09:22

One thing I did want to pick up on:-

You say, "we own the house totally jointly, if he dies its mine, if I die its his".

This is not necessarily the case; in the event of his death the house could well be sold from underneath you. It would form part of his estate and you would not necessarily have first claim on it. In this regard as a unmarried partner (he may well have not wanted to marry you at all for this reason) you have very little in terms of lgeal rights.

You need a solicitor and you need to act urgently.

Twiglett · 04/04/2005 09:34

I would imagine if you co-own the house you're entitled to 50% of the equity. Plus he has a duty of maintenance to the children.

You should definitely consult a solicitor

MeerkatsUnite · 04/04/2005 10:03

Where a couple are living together (cohabiting) and the relationship ends, there is no legal provision for maintenance. When looking at the division of the couple's property, there is no notion of fairness or reasonableness built into the law.

Janna · 04/04/2005 10:46

Hi first of all hugs to you. I know exactly what your going through as this could be my situation.
I would echo everyones elses advice and say get yourself a good solicitor asap. I jointly own the house with my exp, we are not married, we have two kids and he also wants 'whats his'. My solicitor told me he cannot sell the house over my head. In fact he would have to go to court to get an order of sale. As we aren't married I don't have the same rights as a married couple so I don't have the automatic right to stay in the property with the kids but a judge will look at the situation. Your exp has no right to offer you anything and it sounds to me as if he's been a total ar*e and trying to rip you off. He has no right to sell your house over your head without your permission. so I really would get legal advice as soon as possible. If the house does go up for sale without your consent I should thinkyour well within your rights to ask the estate agents to take it off again!
Good luck

aloha · 04/04/2005 10:52

It is just as much your house as his, so gt it off the market while you take legal advice, and tell him this (poss after he has moved out!). Er, and since you own the house 50/50 why on earth does he think he will get 70% of any equity?? The presumption is 50/50 though you may find the judge can make some kind of order in your favour that may enable you to stay there. There is no legal right to maintenance for you, but of course he is legally bound to maintain his children via the CSA - though many women will tell you how useless that is. He sounds such an arse, he really does.

Original poster

Leavingus · 04/04/2005 10:53

thanks everyone. meerkets, when we bought this house (its our second house that we have got bought since we got together) in order to protect me from ever having the house sold out from under me (or him) in the events our death we put a clause in the contract, he has a separate life e=insurance to make sure his other children don't go without.

I just don't know what to do, how can I expect him to keep paying the mortgage (aroung 750 a month) and hisex maintenance and money for me and the kids and find some where else to live, even though he wants all this too?

OP posts:

Easy · 04/04/2005 11:01

If you jointly own the house, he CANNOT put it up for sale. The estate agents will ask for signatures of the owners before taking on the property. If he lies to them and a for sale board appears, you march to the Estate Agents, explain the situation and demand that they take it off their books immediately. They MUST comply.
if necessary take your mortgage statement or other document which carries your joint names in with you.

Don't LET him set the terms of this split. You are the joint owner of the house, he is the father of your children, you have to be angry and fight your way thru this to ensure that your children get what they are due.

Sorry if this sounds negative, but don't let him grind you down.

piffle · 04/04/2005 11:13

I am with my dp and we have 1 dd and my ds from a previous relationship - I too worry about the future if we split before marrying.
I invested £15 into our equity he invested £140k
this is legally noted BUT as he is a darling man and generous, we have a separate legally binding document, that he will split the equity 50% if we split, we were advised to get this as with only a verbal agreement - it was his word against mine and any judgement would be made on contributory evidence.
That said he sounds like a complete arsehole and I too second a rottweiller solicitor to have him for breaksfast, jaysus one thing to make your life hard but to deny his kids as well...
Tosser of the highest order. he cannot sell without your agreement, any mortgage he refuses to pay after leaving will also reflect badly on him, but I think would be a joint debt so be aware of that too.
I am so sorry you are going through this, it terrifies me although we plan to marry very soon and our happiness shows no signs of abating, but you HAVE to protect yourself as best as you can with what you have.
So lawyer NOW!!!!
To sell a house you need both owners permission AND any non co owners, but habiters also have rights, so tell him NO.
Good luck and hugs
xxxx

Listmaker · 04/04/2005 14:27

THis is similar to my situation. Because you are not married then the house is half yours and half his and he can't sell it without your agreement. As far as I've been advised by a couple of solicitors I am staying in my house as I have the kids and a court would probably rule I could stay there til my youngest is 18 and then we would have to split it 50/50 (annoying as my ex does not contribute AT ALL but maintenance and property are two separate things and one cannot be offset against the other when you aren't married).

I would strongly advise you to see a solicitor but I don't think you will have to go anywhere! He'll have to do a deal with you or wait til your youngest is 18 to get his share!

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