I am heading for a meltdown help

[idontlikecricket]

too much stress
away from home, visiting family

2 yr old dd will not give me a moments rest. Screaming, crying, shouting, can't go to toilet on my own. Cant get away from her to get any peace.

H and I separating. Have posted many times before (see thread called "help re my previous thread")

Just tried to post before and lost all i'd said!

I can't take all the hurt from this relationship breakup. Its too much for me.

I can't cope with my DD

I feel like I want to fly back home and get my H to take daughter and crawl into bed for a few days. I feel like my body, at some point, is going to shut down.

I feel that if I do this my H will never want to get back with me then as he will be worried about hurting me all over again.

All I've done is be there for him, taken him back after we'd been apart (a few days after we split last time he had a fling with another woman and was emailing another lady).

He's a good dad, will do anything to make things easier for me, will pay for me but I can't take this anymore.

Im getting very angry at the slightest thing.

I dont feel I can stand anymore.

What do I do?

I want to go back home and go to bed.

crap and now i feel like my insides are shaking

i just want to curl up and forget about all this!

why am i such a wimp?!

Take a deep breath, you will get this sorted out. Who are you visiting exactly and how long are you there for? Do they know you are having marital problems?
I'm sure your DD will settle once she has got used to her surroundings. If your family are aware of your situation perhaps they will be able to help you with DD to give you some space.
I haven't read your other thread but why do you want to be with H so much if he is causing you all this pain?
I'm sorry you're going through such an ordeal and hope your DD settles down. I will look for your other thread to see if I can offer anymore suggestions.

Cricket - I don't have very many useful things to say but I didn't want you to go unanswered.

I understand how you are feeling and you need to recognize that it is because you are in the midst of grieving the fact that your relationship is ending. This type of life event is brutal for anyone but is even harder for those with children. All I can say is that you will not always feel this way and that things will improve. For what it is worth, I have have read your threads and although he may not mean to be, your H is being incredibly self-indulgent and is giving you mixed messages. He is being extremely unfair to you.

I am going to tell you what a very good friend of mine once told me during my marriage breakup. I too was afraid of saying and doing anything wrong lest I pushed my then H further away. I was trying to hold on to what was left by a thread. My friend said, "You cannot live in fear of losing him. He's already gone. The relationship is over. He wants to go, let him go. Let him have it."

I fear that you need to start the process of accepting the end of your marriage. He may be a good dad but right now, your H is not your husband, and he is not even your friend. You need to stop worrying about his thoughts and feelings and put you and your DD first. Feel your feelings and then work on finding your strength. Stop putting all of the power into your H's hands. You can't control him, but you can control you and your life, and life for your daughter.

Courage and good luck.

Hi Cricket, Just briefly read your other thread but it was enough to tell me your H is acting like a total obnoxious knob! sorry but it makes me fume . He wants to end the relationship, but hasn't got the balls to accept the responsibility of his actions so he is trying to blame you in whatever pathetic way he can! Deep down he feels guilty so he is trying to palm this off you. It is difficult and can understand your upset because DD is so young but at least at this age she will adjust to not having her Dad around. My advice to you is to sort out where you stand legally on financial matters, its all about trying to be practical now so try not upset yourself too much and focus on making sure he meets his practical obligations towards you and DD. He probably is seeing someone else- perhaps on and off, but it looks like he doesn't want to admit this either. Talk to your family and tell them whats going on, I'm sure they'll be very supportive.

Thanks guys

I know I am trying to accept the end of this relationship but I can't knock the hope that we will get back together one day again. And that is what is tearing me down.

My family know all about the situation and have been very encouraging, although I don't want to talk about it anymore because I can't be bothered to deal with it, or see their worry and their upset. I can't cope with that either. They do all think he has been very selfish and self indulgent too and think he has lost the plot.

I'm visiting my sis and family. I've got two weeks left here. I'm trying to take each day as it comes.

tomorrow I may even try to get some time to myself and go and get a massage or something. My daughter gets distraught if I go, but I think I will have to.

Part of me is trying very hard to understand how it got to this and I can't work it out. He says we have both changed (I guess growing up when you have a baby does that to you).

It's amazing though that he has the ability to still carry on with his social life, course etc and I'm the one at home a mess.

I asked him how he can do that, carry on like nothing has happened. I don't understand the inner workings of him - but I guess if you "haven't been in the marriage for years" then it is that much more easier to cut ties. Stupid fecking git.

He'd even made some financial decisions without me (about loans and savings) which made me fume. I told him it was still a joint decision. He said it's coming out of his account so what does it matter!!!! And then he had the gaul to say whatever happened, "I would still be cared for". Like I'm some pet that you need to feed and water! Nice.

Please give me some nice thoughts to get me through today.

It's not even like I was a horrible wife!!!! I cooked, cleaned, put my life on hold for him, raised our DD, supported him and sadly, lost the real sense of who I am. I became so engrossed in trying to make him happy that I lost me. It's like I can't survive on my own!

Cricket - none of this is your fault. Keep saying this to yourself even if you don't quite believe it yet. No one is perfect but the fact that your husband is blaming you is classic and very unoriginal behaviour. Believe me, he is following a script. And a very cowardly one at that. You will be fine. Better than fine. You can do this.

I was the exact same way with my ex. I bent over backwards to accommodate him in countless ways that I am now embarrassed to think about. Mine ex had a similar mantra to yours. I wasn't "this way" enough, I wasn't "that way" enough. Nothing was ever enough. I have enough years of hindsight to know that in the end, the marriage ended because HE wasn't enough. He was emotionally immature and unprepared to be the sort of person one needs to be to maintain a healthy relationship. I am much better off now and believe me, you will be too. Stop trying to understand what is inside his head because the truth is, you will never get the answers you think you need. You need to stop making him the priority.

It sounds as though you are doing all of the right things even though you are reeling. Take one day at a time - absolutely. Take care of yourself - absolutely. Your daughter will be fine for a few hours. That your H is making financial decisions and moving ahead with his life - you should start seeing that as a red flag and pay attention. Get legal advice as soon as you can. Perhaps you can even do it via phone or internet while you are away.

I would also suggest using this time to think of a plan for yourself and your DD when you return. You need to start controlling and setting limits to your contact with him. I would suggest that he needs to get out of the house. All of these steps will help you feel stronger and help you feel better. He needs to start understanding that you will not always dance to his tune. Be prepared that when you start calling some of your own shots, that he may retaliate with anger or manipulation.

I would suggest that in addition to feelings of pain and loss, you start thinking about being angry. If you don't feel it yet, it will come.

You will survive this and you will be a strong mum for your DD. She will always know that.

Just remember this, from now on its not about what he wants, its about what YOU want. YOU are better off without him trust me, and one day he will regret his behaviour. Stop caring about his thoughts, feelings etc and start prioritising your own. Get that legal advice and get him out the house. Its good you have told your family because you will need to lean on them for support. Trust me, you will get to the stage where you will think that God I don't have to cook a meal for him tonight, or iron his clothes or clean up after him and listen to the crap that comes out of his mouth. The way you feel at the moment is a common behaviour pattern, I was the same but you will come to realise you don't need him and your state of mind will become much more comfortable and you will start to feel so independant and happy. Just remember your little DD is relying on you, you are her role model so be strong because she will learn from you. I'm sure your family have given you advice on the legal stuff as well so look into that asap.

Well, he's just called to speak to our DD who is in bed.

But was asking me if I'm having a nice time, did I manage to get out today with DD. I was brief and didn't enter into any major conversation with him. And it hurts me awfully to be that way with him. He seemed a little jumpy and unsettled that I was so brief with him.

What does he expect though? Friendly chats?

I think it's fair to say that you have much more negatives in your life than positives. I would guess further that you have a few to many half jobs about. Job started and not completed. These little things get you right down.

The 2 year old should be in some form of routine. I know it's easy for me to say. You might try taking the child to the library (and teaching them library quietness) then read quietly to them. Let the child choose 2 or 3 books that you read to the child at night. Choose bed time books to start with, that way it's you and the book telling the child that it's sleep time after story time. Keep the sequence of events exactly the same, eat. Sit quietly and watch TV, brush teeth Pajamas on and into bed, story time and sleep time. You need to be exceptionally firm for about a week and things should be sorted by them. In the morning (if the child was good) plenty of praise and expression about the child behaving a bit older than they actually are.

Once the clingy habit is broken, you are able to rest easier and think clearer. I would guess that your mind is so up and down that you are not sure about what to think.

Sort out the problems one or 2 at a time.

Child first. Complete a few half jobs, to the point that the job is done correctly and isn't likely to need to be redone. No quick fixes.

When your mind starts to feel organised and you feel like your life is getting better, Child is less clingy, then start to think about this break up. I think you want the break up because it's a quick fix to something. I have to confess that I have not read your other post, so I might not be seeing something that I should.

Keep in mind, one or 2 small jobs at a time and child into a routine. Manageable things to do. Leave the rest of the things till the next day.

I just thought of more....

While you go through the day, think to yourself that you are not looking for faults and problems. If you can look for good things to remember, all the better but just being able to look past the faults (if they are not going to cause a bigger problem) is a good first step.

Try to end the evening with something calming. I have no idea about what you like/don't like, so as a possible suggestion, nip to the pound shop and get the 10 or 20 small candles in a bag and have a 20 minute lay in the bath with a few candles burning, where you can see them and watch the flame burn. That should relax you for a while. If you aim to go to bed soon after you bathed, that's another good idea.

Hi Cricket, how are you doing today?
I hope you've got a bit more clarity, make the most of your stay with family and try and get some rest, and treat yourself to something indulgent/ relaxing! Anyway take care

Hi Holly23

I am okish today. Going to go out for a run shortly to get some space.

Then I'm out this afternoon to get a manicure and pedicure!

I'm developing a strategy in my mind about how to deal with this whole thing.

I'm coming to realise (this may have been v.obvious to everyone else, but it's taken me a while) that I know it's his problem, not mine. By me begging him to listen, it's making him feel more trapped. So he needs to go off and do his thing.

That's not saying that I'm going to stick around for a while and mope. I'm also realising that I do not want to be second best in anyone's life. Whilst I would like more than anything else to be with him in the future, I can't be with him like this. I deserve his full attention, not half attention. I know he is capable of this but at present I need to discover who I am and what I want out of my life.

He wants to see how he feels, well fine! I want to see how I feel. He says he thinks I'm gorgeous and funny etc but I think because I'm in the palm of his hand, he's lost appreciation for what he's got. I'm not reshaping myself for him, but for me.

My main aim is to get fit. I've always had hang ups about my body and I'm going to work on that.

He says it would tear him apart to see his DD with another man bringing her up, and with his family - but lets just see if he REALLY appreciates that (I'm not gonna run and find the nearest bloke! nor entertain dating - but I am going to show him what he has lost).

He's had all the power (by me just being there like a doormat). Now it's time for me to be me and have fun.

Times are still going to be hard and there is no way I'm over this, and I will still have a wobble, but forget his self pitying attitude!

He needs to grow up! A terrible marriage is not spending great times together, going out together, having a laugh together, having a supportive wife. I think he has been incredibly immature. Now he's going to take his knocks and learn the hard way.

(In the meantime I will be doing my utmost to concentrate on ME)

(Just help me keep strong please)

I am hugely impressed with your new mental turnabout. This is exactly the approach you should take. Remember, you will have some wobbly days here and there so allow yourself to have them and then move forward. Continue to shift your focus from your H to you and your DD. Good things are ahead in your life. You're doing great.

Hi Cricket, Realy glad your starting to formulate a plan and think realistically about what you need to do. I've got to go now but will be back online later tonight. Don't worry you will be fine, you're stronger then you think.

< applauds cricket >

what a fabulous attitude

make your own way now, he is secondary, that is what he wanted, so give it to him

yes, you will have lots of wobbles, more crying, crises of confidence, very down days etc

but that is better than settling for a life where you will always be an afterthought

and tell him to stop saying all these wonderful things about you, time for you to find them out for yourself

and when the dust has settled in a few months time, don't discount dating , you will look and feel fab by then

Thank you

It's like my family say, he needs to learn the hard way what life is all about.

He bemoans the life he's got, but I know a lot of people out there would love a family and someone who cares about them - so I'm not an idiot for believing in that and putting my family first and foremost.

It's also slowly dawned on me that I have had my part to play in this and may have discounted his feelings for a long time. While I dont want to go running over to him and say I've underestimated how he feels - I now am starting to sort and shift through this rubbish and work out my part in this and what I can do to make things better for me, in my head. I can change me, I can't change him.

I don't feel the need to go and be horrible to him (yet) and when I speak to him I speak with kindness (but I do let him have it if he pisses me off....) because he's gonna realise that actually, compared to a lot of people, I'm not that bad. I'm still going to make my stand when it comes to my life and what I believe in, and work on me. Plus it makes me feel very much happier in myself not to give him the whole "my wife is a crazy bitch" kind of attitude. I want to be dignified and above the bitching that I do sometimes fall into. (Negativity is one of my main faults). This is to make a better future for me.

I did the exercising this morning, I've been exercising every other day and am now running 2 miles 3 x a week. That's a huge mental barrier I've broken through, my H was v.surprised when I told him - I guess I've always been going on about getting fit but doing nothing about it.

I also treated myself today to whole new skincare products, foundation etc. For so long now I have put everyone else first and brought the cheapest thing - whilst he was able to pay for his course (quite a lot per month) and all his hobbies.

It's tough and I'm feeling a little lonely but I know that when this hurt heals, whichever way our relationship goes, life does go on.

It sounds cheesy but I want him to see what an idiot he's been, and how lucky he could have been!!!!

All the while my emotions are changing, but I'm trying to feel them, process them and try not to worry too much.

I can't worry about who he is with or doing things with. Somewhere down the line this is going to haunt him and he'll realise that you can't escape what you've left behind or ignore your responsibilities and commitments.

I read somewhere that love moves beyond the initial attraction and phwoar factor to deep appreciation, commitment and companionship. And that's the best kind of love - it's a shame he's missing out on it.

Well done idlc you are doing really well. but remember you are doing these things for you not for him. When my H left us and I had the urge to phone him or talk to him when he called I used to repeat to myself ' he is a w**ker and he doesnt really care about you. It is amazing how effective that is in helping break ther emotional ties. Now I can deal with him because a few month down the line I am far happier without him. Stay strong

keep us updated cricket x

and when you are mega-fit and sexy and most importantly, sorted post us a pic

thanks!

trying to think many positive thoughts and thank you all for your comments - they do really help me through all this.

Hi Cricket, I'm so glad your sounding so strong and rational! Keep this attitude and you will be fine, he will kick himself one day when he realises what a fool he's been but by then you would have moved on, and believe me you will be much happier. I'm sure you must have had a few niggling concerns before but brushed them aside for the sake of maintaining a functioning family unit, but really you were settling for second best when you really deserve the best! Take care and keep us posted, we're all here for you!