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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This isn't really a whinge about DH, more of a request for clarification of his reasons for doing the oddest things.

26 replies

OrmIrian · 20/01/2009 14:57

DH has a bit of a bee in his bonnet (at certain times only) about 'doing things as a family'. And gets quite strident about it. I always put it down to having had a childhood without a dad and being desperate to do stuff together. For example,last night, I had the day from hell at work (installing a new system that was going pear-shaped)and didn't leave till 6ish. Feeling quite out-of-shape and weary. DH had had to take the DCs to his school with him and they waited while he went to a staff meeting. Watched DVDs so weren't too bored. But all in all we were 5 quite frazzled people. DH suggests that we stop off at supermarket for pizzas. Good idea. Save us cooking and the children from eating each other. But for some inexplicable reason we all had to go in. Now I don't know about anyone else but shopping with 3 tired DCs in a large supermarket at 6pm is not my idea of fun. Surely I am not alone in that. Anyway the DCs were OK (apart from DS#2) but I was snappy (will freely admit it) and by the time we left everyone was in a bad mood. DH said to DS#2 'I'm fed up with you, why do you have to spoil everything?'. Spoil? How can you spoil a food shopping trip under those circs? Anymore than it is already spoiled. -I'm baffled.

If we had to do this he should have dropped me off and I could have picked up the pizzas and walked home in about 10 mins. DCs could have been at home chilling.

It's not just that. Many many times he insists on dragging the DCs to places they don't want to go when we don't need to. (taking stuff to the tip, trip to B&Q and other such uninteresting experiences) And then is crestfallen and cross when they don't have a good time and we all end up snapping at each other.

I never feel like challenging him on this as it seems to upset him and sees it as me not taking his part.

Is he odd. Or am I?

OP posts:
unavailable · 20/01/2009 15:24

He is odd. You are right.

I often wonder why I see whole families trailing around a supermarket at a weekend - kids bored and parents snappy (or visa versa). Why doesnt just one parent go, and the others stay at home or do something more intertesting.

It would make it easier for me to steer my trolley too, as shops would be considerably less crowded!

Sparkletastic · 20/01/2009 15:28

He is a loon for thinking boring domestic chores constitute any kind of valuable family time. I don't think the kids will be sitting around in their 40s going all misty-eyed about the regular family outings to the tip!! Divide and conquer is my and DH's attitude to parenting / boring chores when the kids are about.

bellavita · 20/01/2009 15:35

I agree with you Orm he is odd. If we had stopped of at the supermarket for pizzas, then DH would have just nipped in and we would have stopped in the car.

If he needs to go to the tip, then he might say to the boys if they are around do you want to come with Dad, but he does not make them (unless say DS2 is playing up and he knows that I need a break).

AMumInScotland · 20/01/2009 15:39

Does he get much opportunity to do stuff with you and the DC? It might be that he genuinely does enjoy doing these mundane things with you, and doesn't get why you don't think it's enjoyable too.

lilacclaire · 20/01/2009 15:41

Bit mad about the supermarket thing, but maybe he just likes to drag them along to other mundane things just to spend time with them?

wintercitylover · 20/01/2009 15:55

Totally agree - I actively avoid any supermarkets esp at that time of day when I am absolutey knackered.

Plus I hardly ever take DCs to supermarket they hate it and I find they distract me. And never to the big ones - I am sure they are designed to make everyone feel ill, cross and drained tbh.

If I really run out of anything and go with them it has to be local shop or smaller supermarket. And that's only under suffrance.

Soph73 · 20/01/2009 16:02

As some others have said, he must be mad. If we have to go to the supermarket on the way home from work then one of us goes in & the others stay in the car. At any other time either DH or myself goes and the DC's stay behind. Occasionally DS1 wants to go & tbh he is actually quite helpful, but he is never told he has to.

Original poster
OrmIrian · 20/01/2009 16:28

muminscotland - I do think there is something to that. With both of us working and with 3 DCs we always seem to end up splitting up and doing everything seperately. But that's for a damn good reason

I just think he needs to accept that that is the case and perhaps we both need to prioritise things that we can all enjoy doing together. Difficult with a 12yr old DS whose idea of a good time usually involved skateboards, mates or some sort of console

I also enjoy having one to one time with the DCs. It's so much nicer and less stressful.

Am beginning to wonder if it's got something to do with his being the main carer now. He picks the DC up from school and is with them alone until I get home at 6ish. Novetly for him (and them)

OP posts:
wintercitylover · 20/01/2009 16:30

My DS1 is also 12 and is left at home for short periods of time - like trips to the shops.

Original poster
OrmIrian · 20/01/2009 16:34

So is mine. But not for more than an hour really.

OP posts:
Divineintervention · 20/01/2009 16:34

My DH is the same, the number of rows we've had about taking dss 5 & 6, dd aged 3 and our new baby to the Mall or supermarket are many, many. Perhaps if you plan something fun and family for at least an hour or two at the weekend it may combat this. We try to walk on a Sunday afternoon.
Funny that my DH doesn't think every Friday night after work is family time .

BonsoirAnna · 20/01/2009 16:38

I feel for you.

It is completely unnecessary (counter-productive) to insist on complete family participation in mundane chores. Much, much better to split chores up and then get together as a whole family to do fun things.

Maybe you need to sit down and carve out some times during the week for "whole family fun". Then maybe your DH will feel OK about divvying up chores, knowing that there is soon to be a large chunk of family time where you will all do something together.

unavailable · 20/01/2009 16:51

Is he controlling in other ways?

BonsoirAnna · 20/01/2009 16:54
NewAmazingBeginning · 20/01/2009 16:54

I can understand why he does these things but I honestly feel he is trying too hard.

Can you talk to him about it without it sounding like you are having a go at him?

unavailable · 20/01/2009 16:56

Insisting ("we all had to go in") is contolling imo. I am not cocluding he is about other things, hence my question.

unavailable · 20/01/2009 16:56

concluding (duh!)

BonsoirAnna · 20/01/2009 16:58

"insisting" is not "controlling". Controlling is making people do things your way by manipulation, such that the other people are coerced into behaving to please the controller without being aware of it.

waspriceyp · 20/01/2009 17:03

I kind of agree with unavailable here. This is something that my mum used to do to us as children to try to enforce some kind of family fun! Uncomfortable for them, deathly dull for us and usually ended in our normal family activity of having a huge row.

She would put pressure on the whole family to be unified and together in other situations i.e. Christmas or Easter. And still tries now.

It's down to the family life that (both) my parents missed out on, but they couldn't relax enough to see that it was counter productive.

Incidentally when we did things like trips to the cinema or theatre or for a curry or something, it was always much better.

Original poster
OrmIrian · 20/01/2009 17:03

Is he controlling? I don't know. I suppose we all are to some extent but he isn't usually. He just does have an issue about getting 'the family' to do things together, and not being ignored (if one of the DCs doesn't hear what he says or doesn't say goodbye when he's going to work he rolls his eyes and gets annoyed), and always wants me to back him up (we've had words on that before - I can't back him if I don't agree). But in general, no, he isn't.

OP posts:
waspriceyp · 20/01/2009 17:06

The connotation of the word controlling probably makes it the wrong one, but he has an expectation perhaps of how things should work as a family. So maybe he needs to roll with it a bit more and get the DC to lead the way. If he listens to them more they might listen to him more?

BonsoirAnna · 20/01/2009 17:11

We should all have expectations of how things should work as a family - or of how we would like them to work - and that is perfectably reasonable and a good thing. When our expectations clash with the expectations of other members of the family, it is time to sit down and discuss what we would like and why, and to look for solutions so that everyone will be happy.

SexyDomesticatedDad · 20/01/2009 19:56

OK hands up - also been guilty of this sort of thing - sometimes me just don't think it all through enough. I regularly take 1 or 2 DCs around supermarket and they generally do enjoy helping out. In a male mind maybe the leap from 2 to say 4 or when they may be tired and just want to chill gets forgotten about. Not sure it helps but maybe pointing out in a reasonable way / reasons why it won't work before you go into a situation (males do have a more logical brain - allegedly) that may help. Or maybe not..........

Original poster
OrmIrian · 20/01/2009 20:05

Aha!

Someone from planet DH!

Thanks SDD. I think that is it. He doesn't think it through. Maybe he thinks they are still 3 or 4 when suggestions that we all go to the DIY store would be greeted with wild enthusiasm

OP posts:
Unlikelyamazonian · 20/01/2009 20:13

My dad was always taking us to the tip and shouting at us to make a line for unloading shopping from sainsburys like we were all in the army (5 kids).

Tip and other boring trips? well I think now that I am older and have a child, that it was an internal rage at my mother. Had nothing to do with us. It was him saying to her ' Look, look, I am helping. Give me a shag'.