Advise about Friendships needed please

[howshouldibe]

Hi - I have name changed.

It has occured to me that part of my current unhappiness is due to the lack of friends 'pals' I have.

I moved here 4 years ago. DS is in his 3rd year of school now. I was hoping to have made lots of friends here by now.

I have 1 really good friend that I have made since moving here (very close, good friend). We 'clicked' in reception and friendship has progressed ever since.

I have 2 more that I could have a natter in the playground with but don't socialise with.

However, I have loads of people that I say 'Hi' to - but that's it.

How do I progress from a passing 'Hi' to becoming a good friend that can go for coffee with, socialise with etc? (without them thinking I'm a desperate weirdo).
I tried having one of those Body shop at Home parties, and handed invites to my 'Hi' buddies, but they all couldn't come for one reason or another.

I try to spark up conversations and it always seems to work, people will chat with me at the kids parties etc....then at school we rever back to 'Hi' or just a nod. But no-one ever tries to spark up a coversation with me. It's always me.

The other mums now seem to have formed groups with each other and you can tell they have moved friendships on from the initial 'politeness' to 'relaxed familiarity' and shared history (coffee/playdates etc). BUT I feel like I'm still on the outside.

I do look quite young for my age in facial features and stature(I'm 33 but probably look about 23-25) But I'm not immature when spoken to! Do people judge on the fact that think someone is too 'young' to be friends with?

I just want a circle of mummy friends to have a chat and a coffee with, go for a drink with occasioally.

BTW I do REALLY apprecite my good friends - I seem to be good at making long lasting solid 'Best Friend' type, one to one friendships (which is great!!) but just not circles of chums?!

HowShouldIBe, I used to be like this so I really sympathise. I also look too young for my age and my voice sounds really young and I often worry about if that puts people off talking to me or makes people dismissive of me because they think I'm too young to know anything. You can't do much about that though. I feel better when I think about the fact that I've been able to make friends with people the same age as me throughout my life and they don't seem ashamed to be seen with me so I can't look freakishly abnormal!

I know what you mean about how do you progress from being aquaintances. When I first started doing the baby groups/toddler groups thing I was really miserable for a while. I was lucky that someone invited me to their house and then I kind of latched onto her friends. She was never scared to invite people to do things with her and I really admired her because it just didn't come naturally to me to do it.

Once I got a few friends I found the confidence to copy my friend's behaviour and invite new people to do things but it is easier when you feel you have some friends already to fall back on if you get rejected. Unfairly, the more secure you feel and the less needy you feel the more success you seem to have I've found.

I think you have to risk the rejections and keep asking different people even though this is really hard. You probably will be rejected sometimes and that is very hard to take but you won't be rejected EVERY time and eventually it will work. You just have to get through a really hard phase where you get a few people and then it will become easier to get more.

Tbh, I think I'd rather have one good friend than a big gang to hang out with. I have lots of friends- many of whom I would say are close, but noone that I would feel ok to call at 2am. I actually find that I don't have time for the friends I do have- it take a lot of effort to maintain friendships, so I am more than happy with acquaintances for now- maybe some of the other mums around you are the same- ie there is nothing wrong with YOU, it's just down to a lack of time!

One way to break the ice is for DS to have some school friends over? That way you will get chatting to the other mums when they drop off/ collect their DC's. You could invite the other parent(s) in for a cup of coffee.

join the pta.

agree with jooly about the effort of maintaining friendships...actually agree with pretty much the whole post.

perhaps join a class or something for you.

mumsnet can put you in touch with local mums i think?

Thanks for answering! I feel better that there are people that understand nd feel the same!

I think I am going to go with the route of inviting friends round for DS. (I have done this in the past, and I've gone in for coffee when invited, when I've collected him) and I feel all good about it, like it was a HUGE & positive step....then back in the playground it's a rushed 'Hi' as we pass each other or 'said' mum is deep in conversation with an obvious 'proper' friend.

Whats the ettiquette with waiting in the playground?
Everyone seems to stand in set places and I just turn up and stand at the end of the queue.
I feel it's rude to go and stand with people you don't know all that well that are clearly in deep conversation.....Is it? Or should I be making a beeline for someone I've passed a few words with previously?

Apart from the weather (!) what other conversational tips do you have?

As someone who no longer stands at the school gate but who felt like you did, I'd say with hindsight that you have to make more of an effort and make the first move.
I never did and had few friends amongst other mums.
Looking back, I think I'd say do they fancy a coffee in town, or back at your place, or something like that.
I also think you should approach cliques and wait on the outside of the circle, waiting for a good moment to chip into the conversation.
It all takes a bit of courage, but don't wait for them to make the first move all the time- just go for it.

Have you tried netmums ...(Hope that's allowed to be mentioned !)as it has local branches where you can 'meet a mum'and people say how old they are usually too so saves embarrassing coffee 'dates'.

I feel just the same as you a lot of the time.
I work part time for my family but i am the only person in the office, so can't get to meet other people really.
My kids are five years apart in age so have different schools, both go by bus so don't even get to stand in the playground.
I run a toddler group myself, and although i have many acquantices i don't have any proper friends.
My best friend lives an hour away from me and i do miss her but she is busy and has her own life.
I try my best to be friendly towards people and either i'm overdoing it and scaring them off or they just don't want to know.
I joined Gumtree and contacted several people, only one of them has kept in touch.
I go to the gym but i feel too shy to just talk to people.
My marriage nearly ended last year because i felt so lonely. Hubby has an office job and many friends and goes out after work. I felt like he wasn't interested in my life or lack of friends.
I want to join a book club or something but it seems to be full of grannies in the middle of the day.
Please don't think you're alone, i think a lot of people feel this way.
I am always happy to chat with you if you like.

I also generally stand on my own, apart from when an acquaintance happens to be by herself. Then tjey'll have a brief chat , but will turn away and talk to their mates when they appear. This even happens with mums new to the school. I'd rather die than march up to a clique and join in - that probably says it all. But I still don't understand why people are so rude - it's totally cutthroat out there.

Hope you succeed.

im the sort of person who will say hello to anyone but i don't have many friend sat all non that is see on day to day basis my friends don't live round here its quite common i do try to arrange get together's with children mention without children but just haven't really met anyone i want to do that with yet

i have one friend i go on nights out with who is much older than me but always has a group of people with them so do get to meet new people just not on my level day to day but im ok with that now maybe when ds goes to school as his at pre school at the moment i am the sort of person who will say hello to people on there own to make them feel welcome as although haven't lots of friends not short on people to talk with

I know this doesn't answer the school gate issues, but maybe you need to look around for friends in other places, such as a keep fit/pilates/yoga class etc- or an evening class of some sort.

I am a name changer too.

I could have written your post HSIB!!!
I was really looking forward to DD going to the village school (in the next village actually!) thought I would make some "mummy" friends but it hasn?t happened.

I went along to the coffee morning arranged by some of the mums for the "new" mums and they were all lovely and really friendly and banged on how they "weren?t cliquey" so I was naively rather gob smacked when come the start of term they all were exactly that!
Not even a smile and "Hi how's you?re LO settling in"?
Hardly likely to forget who I was considering the intake that year was about 4 or 5 for the entire school!

3 years later and nothing has changed!
They all seem to have made friends amongst each other and don?t need any more. It?s excruciating just standing there while everyone else is in little groups chatting. I have always been polite and smiled and said Hi in passing, and to be fair there are 2 mums who seem to be friends with everyone and will exchange a few words but it never progresses beyond that, they seem to be really good friends with everyone else and do coffee and such with quite a lot of them.

I am painfully shy and try to hide it, but probably end up looking quite fierce and distant. I find it hard to think of things to say as my life just isn?t that exciting and having hardly any adult company for the past nearly 7 years my social skills are nil.

I know that there is nothing "wrong" with me and I?m not an awful person but I have days where I get home from the school run and just cry and cry because I feel like a complete nobody.

Sorry to have banged on, just relieved I?m not the only one.

Tillytips & Incognitonitro
Your posts really touched me and just sound so, so similar to how things are for me.
I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling this way, but also sorry that any of us feel like this at all! Thanks for answering!

I'd be happy to chat with you anytime - any anyone else!

How do you think you come across at the school gates, when you're standing on your own?

I ask this because when I was at university I was told - in no uncertain terms - how arrogant I was. I was shocked. My painfully shy, loner 'daren't approach anyone to talk to in case I get rejected' stance had been interpreted as me being aloof and not wanting to talk to anyone.

So I would say go up any group where there is someone you know and just breezily say 'Hi - how are you? How's (insert name of child) getting on? Isn't it hot/cold/windy (as appropritae) and therefore let them know that you want to be friendly and talk.

Good luck.

And also, have you considered organising a meet up of local MNetters? That's always a good way to talk to local people - and you can continue/develop the friendship on here as well.

Why not get yourself on a social website that helps you contact other women in your area for friendship, coffee, trips away, drinks, or whatever else you fancy. Girlsgoout is just such a site and would probably really help you. Good luck.

Abby
www.girlsgoout.co.uk
Need mates not dates