Granny wars/neurotic nana - caught in the middle again

[womblingfree]

Have just told my mum that DD is going to her cousin's birthday party this weekend with my in-laws. It's about a 150 mile round trip and she's staying over at theirs when they get back (which is only about 5 miles away).

For many, understandable reasons, my mum has got a real fear of those she loves being away from her and has just told me that if anything happens to DD (ie car accident) she will never forgive me.

It doesn't help that MIL and I have had many major fallings out over the years and therefore my mum can't stand her. At the moment we are in the middle of a truce, she asked nicely and as DD is an only (like me) I like her to see as much of her cousins as possible I agreed. We don't go up there ourselves as BIL and his partner both work and DH doesn't get on with his bro particularly well.

TBH I will worry myself stupid until I know they are up there safely and again when I know they are on their way back (MIL will phone us at each end), even though I know that MIL is a very experienced and competent driver. But my mum's fears have always held me back a bit and I don't want to do the same to DD. I figure that when the time comes for school trips etc I'm going to have to put my faith in others as far as her safetly is concerned and let her go and have new experiences, so I may as well get used to it now with family.

I guess I'm just hoping someone will say something to make me feel better cos I feel bloody awful at the moment. I know things between me and my mum will be hellish from now until Sunday.

I am sorry that I have no constructive advice/comments for you, just wanted to say that it would be the same for me so I know where you are coming from.

My mother still treats me like I am a 12 year old (not nearly 44).

Can you avoid speaking to your mum between now and Sunday?

I'll feel so awful I know I will end up calling her to try and smooth things over, even though I know from experience it won't work. If I don't she will either call me and be frosty or most likely, I'll get a very emotional email from her.

I can understand why she has these issues, which are connected to her childhood and the deaths of her parents, but I can't live my/DD's life by them.

I will be tying myself in knots anyway on Saturday, there's always a little part of my that thinks 'what if...', but I won't give in to it. DD is my world and everything in it, but I want her to have the opportunites, experiences and freedom that I didn't.

Mum never actually stopped me doing stuff but I always knew the emotional fallout would be horrendous, so I tended to avoid things I knew would upset her (uni, travelling etc). I don't want to put DD in that position and it's really hard cos she's my only 1, but I have to be strong for her sake.

I just wanted to say well done, womblingfree. It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job tryiing to avoid restricting your DD in the ways in which your mother restricted you. I have no answer to the question of how you get through the weekend (but I know what it's like!)except by remembering the 10,000 other scenes like this you have no doubt been through and possibly doing some meditation!

You've said it yourself: you can't live your life by them. I think you'll just have to grit your teeth and tell yourself that this is something you are doing for your dd's sake- so that her whole life does not become defined by your mother's traumas. Be strong for her!

I would not have been allowed to go to uni! I never went on trips away with the school (day trips yes) but the ones involving sleeping over - never.

I am going to a concert in June and instead of her saying to me oh that will be fab, I knew you were hoping to get tickets, her words were - "how are you getting there? and who is going to drive?"

Tuesday is one of the allotted days I speak to her and I just know that when I speak to her she will say "oh you are working tonight, I do worry about you on those country roads". I get fed up with hearing the same thing over and over again.

I suppose to someone people reading what I have put, they must think that I am so ungrateful of having a caring mother, but it just gets claustrophobic.

Keep strong!

Make sure your mother doesn't end up projecting her fears into your dd, as this has happened to one of my friends.

Her dd now refuses to go on school trips because of the possibility of the coach crashing, swimming because of her new fear of drowning etc. All this has come from the drip drip of irrationality from her grandmother. It has really changed that little girl.

Although your mum has understandable fears, you can't let them keep affecting you and DD. Your mum is an adult, and therefore responsible for dealing with her fears herself - you have to disengage from her controlling behaviour (even if she never stopped you doing things directly, if you know there will be fallout its still controlling, just in the worst possible way imo - my grandmother was famed for this).

Don't argue with your mum, don't try to appease her, just tell her what you /DD are doing, and when she starts, just do the broken record technique of 'This is what we are doing mum, and I'm happy with it'. If she starts doing the emotional blackmail thing, tell her straight that you don't want to engage with this, and you'll speak to her soon - and put the phone down. It can take some time, but it does work and puts you in control. If she's frosty or sulks, just ignore it and be all happy and normal (even if you aren't).

As I say, my Dads mum was a past master of all this, and I grew up watching my mum stop her controlling our family either directly or through Dad, so have lived it. I also know someone whose mothers insecurities continue to control her in her 60's, and the lives of her daughters and grandchildren and it ain't good

If you want to talk more about only children, come join the One Child Family tearoom, for lattes, muffins and support

cmot - are you an only/mum of only too? I do dip into that section occasionally but haven't for a while so will have to pop over.

bella - I feel so bad for you, but tbh a bit relieved as sometimes I feel like the only person having to deal with this. I did go on a few residential trips when I was a kid, although the one to France was certainly not allowed (on the point that we couldn't afford it - but I suspect that was rather convenient).

When I looked at Uni's she discouraged me from going too far afield ('what if you need us - I couldn't travel that far/how will you get a Saturday job and support yourself').
Iwas lucky to get accepted on Post-grad course about 50 miles away on the strength of my experience and passing an entrance test, but even then I left midday Fridays and came home for the weekend 'to keep my Saturday job' and went back on Monday mornings. In spite of that there was stil massive emotional drama on the day my parenst took me to my digs.

I always dreamed of going travelling but needless to say the thought of the stress it would involve put me right off (although I did cover about 30,000 miles on my honeymoon )

Yes, I have an only DS. The tea room is on it's third thread now, and is a place to mull over some of the challenges and pleasures of only parenting, as well as random chat

DH and I many years ago had the chance to go live and work out in California - my mother would have just shrivelled up and died.

We moved to Berkshire about 13 years ago (we now live back in Yorkshire) with DH's work, she knew about it for months and literally up until the day before she was in denial. She would not even talk about it.

Bella - when I moved in with DH (before we were married) we had weeks of trauma.
He lived 3 miles away!

I'd love to emigrate to Australia, which actually wouldn't be a major prob as my folks could come with us, but in-laws couldn't and neither could our/DD's friends so here we are.

Am planning to buy a holiday home and spend 6 months a year out there when I retire instead!