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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cheer me up

22 replies

katemumtwo · 19/01/2009 17:52

In recovery after H had an affair - not long by the standards of many on this board (6 weeks emotional, single one night stand where they didn't even get to spend the night together, then I found them out and they ended it, he found out stuff about her that means she's the last person on earth he'd ever want to speak to - phew). Anyway, it's three months on and I am currently having a major wobble and need cheering up and suggestions of how to cope.

He's very sorry, keen to show it etc but I am currently in a really resentful mood - the usual wondering how he could have done it to me and the dc's and how I can possibly have chosen to live with a man like that and try again? I'm constantly on the verge of tears, picking fights with him also - which won't help anything. Really want some help from someone else a bit further along the road...

OP posts:

ConstantlyWritingThankYouCards · 19/01/2009 18:19

bump

hugs xxx

Original poster

katemumtwo · 19/01/2009 18:27

Thanks! Know it' bath and bed time for many so not expecting much of a response yet...

OP posts:

abraid · 19/01/2009 18:30

Just remember, it's the worst day of the year today (19 Jan) according to the pundits. So you're bound to feel lousy today and BETTER tomorrow!

doesmybumlookbiginthis · 19/01/2009 18:34

I think these things will just take time to get over. there must be a process that you have to go through before you come through the other side. Dont have any experience in this but just letting you know things hopefully will get easier

eandz · 19/01/2009 18:45

hmm not me, my son won't let me put him down. so i get to come and cheer you up.

it's ok to still feel distraught over this. he gambled on your love and emotional investment in him. it's not like you were looking around for anyone else to appease your emotional needs. how audacious of him to look for it elsewhere, or even if he didn't go looking and stumble upon it-- how dare he trust someone else while you have married and vowed to be his pillar?

it'll get better, but definitely give yourself the time to grieve the loss of the marriage you thought you had.

so why not plan something just for you? maybe a day to just go window shopping. a daily activity that will help from having to think about this for an hour a day? like jogging/walking or an amazing bath? once you stop feeling sad and angry you need to make the emotional jump to not feel too much pity on yourself and let yourself feel like a victim even if you have been. don't forget your someones mother. don't lose sight of all the wonderful things you've done in the past, and all the great things you have been blessed with. also remember all the wonderful things that make you a good person.

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 19/01/2009 19:02

Bumping again for you, as there are lots of MNers who have been through the same thing.
It will take time, but if your H is genuinely sorry and working to show you how much he loves you, then you will get through it.

Original poster

katemumtwo · 19/01/2009 19:26

Thanks - must make plans to do something together. Going to the gym is out as that's when he used to spend hours on the phone to her (when he knew I was safely tucked away in a class) and it now gives me the nerps. Might have a long bath, let it all out then try and think of positive things... cheers everyone.

OP posts:

eandz · 19/01/2009 23:15

it's good that your still thinking of things to do with him.

Original poster

katemumtwo · 19/01/2009 23:51

Well, I have decided to give it all another go so I have to throw myself into it and do my best. Obviously if I still spend this much time feeling so low in 6 months then I'll have to reconsider. Maybe loyalty is more valuable to me than I might have thought? I just sometimes lose confidence and think that maybe he finds me boring or something, which makes me depressed - and boring. It's such a hideous situation to be in.

OP posts:

eandz · 20/01/2009 08:54

your not boring. loyalty is important to everyone in any relationship.

his actions weren't based on anything you did or didn't do. he can only answer what his true reasoning behind it all was. but you cannot be used as an excuse.

did he ever come up to you and say he was bored? did he ever suggest new things he was interested in? even if he did suggest new things and you didn't get it, it's through no fault of yours and you are not to be blamed for his behavior.

if he was talking to this woman whenever you were at the gym, what was keeping him from talking to you for an hour or two a day? what, did he not have your number? did he forget where you lived?

Original poster

katemumtwo · 21/01/2009 09:26

Right, this has been going on for 3 days now - please, someone reassure me that feeling tearful / like you just want to curl up and die in a corner is normal at this point still. Is there some sort of 3 month regression that happens? H is being lovely, keeps asking how I am (though I do know that if I actually told him he would look horrified, question why I still feel that bad after all this time and run away) and suggested going away for a night together without dcs. But I just have this idea in my mind that everything we had is now dirty and ruined forever, I can't get past the thought of 'how could you do that to us and how could you tell her we'd never been totally right for each other and you wanted to be with her forever, then come back and say it was all nonsense?'

OP posts:

eandz · 21/01/2009 11:42

omg.

i'm not sure what to say to you. i know how you feel. he didn't have an affair, he was very dishonest about something and after i found out and told him i couldn't accept it he continued his dishonesty for quite a while under my nose. i was very upset when it blew up in my face and i can't seem to get over it.

i told him that since he was the one to ruin the trust i had in him, i wouldn't trust him till he found a way to fix it. my husband keeps saying he's planning on something, but it's never happened. i don't think it'll ever happen and it's been three years.

if your husband knows how you feel, and you don't know what you want done to make things better for you so you can move on-- what does he suggest besides a night away without the kids? does he have any other suggestions that he couldn't have already done with the ow?

eandz · 21/01/2009 11:44

my grammar is horrible you can just forget that post.

i just meant to write:
do you want him to suggest things he can do for you to ease the burden of knowing what he did?

do you want to suggest things he can do?

scorpio1 · 21/01/2009 11:44

i think its normal. im 10 weeks on from something like this and fucking hate it. Cry, get upset, hate him then love him...weird.

You will be ok, but you have to put yourself first.

twoluvlykids · 21/01/2009 11:47

katemumtwo - i feel for you

when h says "how are you" he is wanting reassurance for himself, as well as being concerned for you

there is no magic time period for when things will be better, or you will feel less tearful, it'll just happen one day when you don't even think about it

or when you do, and it doesn't hurt so much

Original poster

katemumtwo · 21/01/2009 12:13

Thanks for lovely posts everyone - one of my problems is that we moved 6 months ago and I am 200 miles from all my friends and can't really dump all my problems on the new people I'm just getting to know here (few that they are - I have been so wrapped up in dealing with H's depression that turned out to be distancing himself for his little affair, then just getting by and functioning day to day after I found out that I didn't have time to get out and meet people. And I work from home so no workmates...). So it's good to get it out!

I think I sometimes lose faith in the fact that it CAN be fixed and that anything can make it better. Not sure if I am wallowing in it a bit, though. I did want to talk to him about it all constantly but that's suddenly ended and now I don't want to talk at all, though there are things I need to know before it can improve - I want to know what he was thinking at certain points (like when he was found out and why he didn't make a go of it with her then - was it because she ran straight back to her H, for instance? I realise I am having a bit of a confidence crisis about whether I am interesting enough to get and sustain friends, H etc). I think I just have to do something about the talking for a start.

OP posts:

Fizzfiend · 21/01/2009 12:18

It sounds like you need your confidence boosting. What about a night out with your girlfriends? A bit of light harmless flirting perhaps? It'll do wonders for your self-esteem and make it a bit easier for you to feel like a victim.

The really good thing is that H sounds like he's very sorry for what he did. I hope it all works out for you.

Original poster

katemumtwo · 22/01/2009 10:21

I really wish I could go out but I can't get away till half term. Local gfs are all pregnant (met them through mum activities!) or have just given birth so they're not much use for socialising, poor things... I feel like I have PTSD. I coped really well with holding it all together just after and making sure the family was okay but since this month it has just really hit me. Tried to talk to H last night and told him when I'm down all I want is for him to say he is sorry and give me a hug. But he got angry and said that was pathetic as I should know he's sorry as he's said it a million times and I should know he regrets it as he's said time and time again...and that he won't keep saying it for the rest of his life, and that by now I should have stopped crying about it because one day I'll have to let it go. But it's only been 3 months FFS!!! I don't get why he doesn't understand how awful it is for me?

OP posts:

kettlechip · 22/01/2009 12:34

Kate could you maybe go for some counselling, either separately or together? He can't expect you just to forget about it, he's totally undermined your faith in your relationship and that's not going to recover overnight, much as it would suit him. I think the fact that you forced the ending, by finding them out, must also leave questions in your mind over what would have happened if you hadn't discovered it.

It is hard when you move away from friends and family, I've been there. I think you'd be surprised how supportive people will be if they know you need it (you don't have to go into full detail), even if you haven't known them long.

Original poster

katemumtwo · 22/01/2009 14:09

Thanks kettlechip, we did go once to Relate after it had all finished but I hated it because the counsellor was just intent on telling me that I had to set a time soon for all my questions about it to stop so H could recover, too. Bear in mind this was 2 weeks after he cut all contact finally so I got completely distraught - my main reason for going was because he wouldn't tell me anything about it, or only told me half truth / half lies. when I came out i was shaking and was sick when i got home.

(BTW, Back story - they cut it off once it was discovered and my H promised her H he wouldn't speak to her again. Then her H started harassing me with info about what they'd said to each other so mine replied to one of her emails and it all kicked off again for 2 weeks till I ended up refusing to speak to him at all bar hi and bye at dc pick up and drop offs. I think he ended it as he could finally see that I was at a point where there would be no going back soon.)

whenever I'm away from him I fantasise about leaving and finding someone who really appreciates me and dcs. Then when I get home it all changes and I know he cares and wants to move on together, I just don't know why ymy head is doing this or what i should do? Do you think a GP could help?

OP posts:

kettlechip · 22/01/2009 21:10

Your head is doing that because it's completely normal for you to feel this jumble of thoughts after what's happened. I think it's reasonable that if you want to stay together that you will probably need to draw a line under it at some point, but it doesn't sound as if you're ready to do that yet, and you should be able to talk about it until you can reach some kind of acceptance. There isn't much more your H can realistically say, other than he's sorry, so it might be best to speak to talk it through with someone who isn't emotionally involved.

A GP could possibly refer you on to a counsellor, but waiting lists can be long. You could possibly try an independent counsellor instead. Keep posting.

abedelia · 23/01/2009 14:21

Thanks. I think a major problem is that just before Christmas the OW's H sent me some stuff that proved my H had been lying - or at least concealing half the truth - about many very vital points (such as who made the first move). I think I repressed it all so we could have a decent Christmas for the dcs but now it is coming back up.

I am at the point where I will have to ask him to go through things like that again I think and promise not to lie. i have made my decision about trying again so it won't hurt that no matter what as I know they are over, I just need to know the truth so nothing else gets thrown at me unexpectedly. I am also tempted to threaten to call the OW and ask her about stuff. Not sure if I would ever do it, but I need him to know that if I ever find out the truth about one more thing he hasn't told me himself and that I've previously asked about then I am off. Not sure if I am now sounding like an unreasonable madwoman? To top it all I have a suspicion I am pg.

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