never told anyone this... and it's a long one.

[dreamdreamdream]

I am a regular poster, but seeing as I've never ever told anyone this, I've namechanged.

DH and I have been together for 10 years and married for nearly 8.

When we got married I worked for a smallish bank, in quite a close knit team. I'd had a really good friendship with one of the guys in our team, and around the time of my wedding, I was moved into a different team in a different office building. I was immediately struck by just how much I missed my 'friend' (let's call him T). One night, when out with my workmates, he and I got into a bit of a deeper conversation, and I confessed that I missed him, and he said he missed me too, and it was a bit like one of those lightbulb moments when you realise that the feelings of 'friendship' you'd had were actually something more. But I'd just got married. To someone else.

To put it into context, while I loved my DH very much (and still do), he and I both had jobs that required us to travel a lot, so we didn't spend that much time at home together, and (if I'm going to be completely honest), I was probably experiencing a bit of post-wedding anti-climax and was feeling as though at just 25, nothing was ever going to be fresh and different and exciting.

T & I started a bit of a strange on-off sort of an affair, lots of lunches and dinners out, lots of kissing, not much more (we spent one night together, once, but didn't have sex), he would date other women (he was single) but would come back saying how it wasn't the same because it wasn't me... really, although there was a definite, major physical connection, I really did feel as though he 'got' me more than anyone else, we were totally in tune with sense of humour, values, ambitions etc.

Anyway, it never went anywhere. I wasn't prepared to leave DH (and to be fair, T never asked me to) because I wasn't actually unhappy in my marriage, and I knew how much leaving would devastate DH and really upset the apple cart with my family, and everyone would hate me. And there was no guarantee of anything with T, he made it really clear that he didn't want me to leave DH 'for him', if I decided to leave then he wanted a relationship, but to start from scratch with one like a regular couple. So I stayed.

It finally all ended absolutely 100% for good with T when I got pregnant with my first baby. I felt (and I still feel) that cheating on DH as a mother would also mean cheating on my children, and I'm not prepared to do that.

So anyway, that was that. We moved away and I deliberately stopped all contact with all my old workmates so as not to put temptation in my way.

Then about 18 months ago, I was feeling really pretty flat and for some reason, decided to email T: not not not to start anything up again, I just wanted a bit of email flirting really, to feel like someone 'got' me. Turns out he's married now, really happy, new baby etc. I'm really pleased for him and to be honest, for a while it improved my marriage in that I no longer felt as though I had T as a safe bet, so had to put in more effort.

But although there's zero prospect of anything ever happening with him again (and let's be serious, I haven't even clapped eyes on him in 6 years), he keeps on cropping up in my dreams (again last night), and we're having a lovely time and it's very exciting.... and then I wake up.

Not really looking for advice, certainly not looking for judgement because I know I did a really wrong thing... just hoped that maybe by saying the unsayable I could get it all out of my subconscious.

The thing that strikes me most is where is DH in all this? You describe the whole situation with work, this guy, moving offices etc and the man you married hardly comes into the picture - how did he fit into it all? What were your feelings about him back then? It sounds as though you kind of married him by mistake one day!

Seems you married the wrong man for the wrong reasons - did you feel that you would be letting everyone down if you didn't go through with the wedding or if you left you would be seen as a fliberdyjibert?

I noticed your thread and then realised nobody had answered it.

I made a really good friend at work. He was younger than me, very good looking, very witty and intelligent. We went out for drinks a couple of times, he confided in me and me in him and I have to say that I did sense a bit of electricity there.

Now I didn't go behind dh's back, he knew I was out with his man and he trusted me implicitly, but I knew I was on dangerous ground because of my feelings for this man.

We've now moved and so has he and apart from the odd text I no longer have contact with him.

These things happen from time to time, you get tempted, the grass seems greener etc. But you need to fall in love with your dh again. Be honest with him, tell him how you feel, even mention to him that this man has been in touch again. Sometimes it helps to remind them that you are an attractive person and that other people DO fancy you. Spend a bit of time together, do something different so that you see him in a different light.

I know you don't really want advice, but you haven't cheated. You went further than I would have done, but you still held back. That must have been tough. Try to remember what attracted you to your dh in the first place and see if you can't rediscover that.

Good luck.

Lots of married people have dreams about Brad Pitt/Angelena Jolie/Davina Mcall/insert sleb name of your choice here. It doesn't mean they would actually hunt the person down and try to have sex with them.
You have cut contact with your potential OM and are working on your marriage - allowing your subconscious a bit of wish-fulfillment won't hurt anyone as long as you don't dwell on it.

I think your dreams are quite normal. You are probably experiencing guilt and although you may not think about him whilst you are awake he does still lurk at the back of your subconscious. A part of you may also be scared that you will get found out.

Try not to dwell on it, you did the right thing by ending the relationship. Delete his email/mobile number from your address book and see if that helps.

The excitement aspect of your dream suggests to me that perhaps you are missing spontaniety/sex from your relationship with your husband, maybe a weekend away just the two of you would do you good.

It's not about him, it's about what he REPRESENTS - that is why he is popping up in your dreams. You were feeling a bit "flat", how did you try to lift that feeling? By emailing him - "not not not to start anything up again, I just wanted a bit of email flirting really, to feel like someone 'got' me." OK, so not to seriously rock the boat but to cheer yourself up with a bit of flirting. It sounds like he represents danger, excitement, sexual desirability, being understood, etc etc etc. He is the one who got away.

So, not that I am a psychologist or anything but it sounds like you are missing those things at the mo and your dreams are supplying a "fix" - that's all it is. Recent contact with him has probably stirred up some old feelings of guilt too.

I've been in a similar situation. I have been with my DH for a long long time, and known X for almost as long. X and I had an on-off 'thing' for a long long time, which was at it's peak just before and just after my marriage. I was very confused at the time, particularly just before the wedding, we were very young and immature and feeling very guilty as well.

I remember thinking the day before my wedding that if X asked me to leave, I would, it had all got a bit much for me and I wanted out. But I got married, and X and I continued our 'thing'. Like you he had various girlfriends, none that serious or long-lasting, all of which I was hugely jealous of. We started seeing each other less and less, if I'm honest more because of circumstances than a deliberate decision - it became less easy to arrange and neither or us wanted the complications of full-scale logistical deceit iyswim. But it was a good thing it slowed down.

Last time anything happened was a few years ago now. He's now happily (I think) married with a family, and I'm outrageously happy with DH and our DC, but X will always be very special, and occasionally I have those dreams as well. Our physical relationship was absolutely phenomenal, addictively so, which complicated things a lot but helps with the dream stuff .

Recently, in my more mature, aware state, I suddenly had the realisation that X did ask me to leave with him, a couple of months before my wedding. I was naive and not really 'getting' what he was saying, but when i look back now that's exactly what he was saying. I'm glad I didn't get it then, as I might have gone with him.

Sorry but Davina McCall?

Yes, bellabelly, you're about right there. I guess the fact that I've just been in floods of tears because my toddler has pooed in his pants AGAIN indicates the level of excitement and desirability in my life at the moment!

Even if he emailed me right now and wanted to see me I'd say no, I don't want to betray my family and I know he has a family now too.

FWIW, I don't think you did anything really wrong. You both kept things in check once they looked as if it was passing the point of harmless flirtation.
You have a harmless fantasy of what things might have been in another life and you seem to be clear that this is exactly how you want to keep it.
I wish you all the very best in love and life and if you have happy memories which brighten a dull day then I hope you enjoy them. I think you have been true to your commitments and behaved responsibly toward your family.

Kissing is cheating in my book and unless you're sure your dh wouldn't mind you kissing another man then you should also assume he'd view it as cheating.

JodieO - but you are not her DH and people's standards of what is and is not cheating are actually very variable. Your rules apply only to people you are involved with.

I agree Solid, but as I said, unless she knows her dh feels that kissing isn't cheating then why would she assume that it isn't?