How to get over being rejected and now divorced during pregnancy

[LibertyCat]

Hi

I know there's no real answer except 'time will heal' but perhaps people have other ideas too.

My husband left me in Jan last year, we got back together for a few months and then he left again in May. I relocated 250 miles back to be near my parents and then found out I was pregnant by him. I wanted a termination initially but we talked and my husband said we could try again as a family so we decided to go ahead with the pregnancy.

Three weeks before my due date he's now announced he 'loves me but is not in love with me' (who on earth is after 8 years?) and he wants a divorce. My family and friends are incredibly suppportive but many live across the country and my mum is just starting a gruelling course of chemo and radiotherapy. I just don't understand why he had to announce this now when I need him most.

I know all his faults and I'm appalled that he has done this now - he hinted that he wanted to do it now before he was too influenced by the baby. He's really excited about becoming a father but he doesn't want anything to do with me. I've been trying to keep things amicable and neutral so that we'll be able to sort out access etc but everytime I even let him now about a midwife visit (which he asked me to do) he either doesn't even acknowledge me or reminds me that this won't change his mind about ending our relationship.

I just feel so utterly rejected. I still love him but do accept his decision (he's made it painfully clear) but I don't know how to manage this. How do I maintain some sort of contact so that my son will grow up knowing his father, but without me being hurt each time?

My sister is going to be my birth partner but I also don't know whether to have my husband in the room too. I don't want to deny him the chance to see his son born and I do want him to bond with him (for my son's sake) but I just don't know if I'll be putting myself through the emotional wringer again at a v vulnerable time.

I'd appreciate any thoughts or advice you have on how to manage this difficult situation.

LibertyCat, I am so, so sorry this is happening to you ...

You have so much going on with the pregnancy and then to have to deal with this, at a time when you should be focused on the happy arrival of your beautiful baby, is a lot to bear indeed.

I don't really have any experience of this but am hoping someone sensible will come along in a minute ...

In the meantime I think it is keen that:

1. you accept this decision and try to move on; and 2) he accepts this decision and the consequences. It sounds like over the year there has been a lot of blurring of boundaries and the key thing is to put those back in place.

If he wants your relationship to be over then that is fine but he needs to actually understand what that means, particularly in terms of the baby. When will he visit? How much access does he/you want him to have? Where will you live? What maintenance will he pay etc? Also you have to try to stop relying on him as you would a husband and certainly not bring him your emotional turmoil (as hard as that may be). Perhaps your sister could help in this regard?

I think the key thing is to realise that he is not in any way helping you with the baby and that in fact he is adding more stress to the situation. Perhaps you need to try and go this alone until you are back on an even keel and can address your marriage issues.

oh Libertycat, I'm so sorry. Don't really know what to say/advise but couldn't read this and not post.
It sounds like he doesn't really know what he wants. Could he perhaps be confused about the new baby. Sounds very strange (bloody ridiculous) for him to want a relationship with his baby but not its mother. Sorry, life isn't like that, you and baby are a team he can't just pick and choose.
It is a big decision whether to have him there at the birth. It is understandable he will/may want to be there to see his baby born but if he is not going to be there to support you, then maybe he shouldn't be there.

I think he/you should consider some sort of counselling/mediation. Mediation may be the way to go as unlike other counselling like Relate, they don't try to push you into staying together/reconciling but will assist you in making a decision regarding your relationship and if you do decide it is over, they can help with the practical side of the breakdown, ie finances and arrangements for your child.

Sending you HUGE hugs x

I'm really sorry. It's so unfair. He has the choice to decide, even at this point whether he wants to be with you or not.

He was cowardly and indecisive, waiting 'til the last possible second to bail out. Yet he's excited about fatherhood??? You must feel like a womb for his child.

I agree that you should have some counselling, to try and accept how things have turned out. I had my own hardluck story 20 months ago and it gets easier, honestly, but I definitely struggled to make sense of some things, I needed answers and there just aren't answers, that is the answer.... 'how can he NOT be sorry?' type questions in my case, so if there is a fast forward method for dealing with those emotions, then I'd advise you to take it.

Now that I'm starting to feel detached from x and what he put me through, it's such a freedom. He is starting to be like just some mere acquaintance now.

I am a single mother and not only is it possible, but it's possible to be happy too. I hope that your Mum is OK. Poor you right now, you don't even have the luxury of leaning on your Mum.

Thank you - I did try a couple of counselling sessions a few months ago but this was before he announced his decision about divorce (I went around the time of trying to decide whether to terminate or continue with the pregnancy). I did find it helpful, I know it doesn't change anything about the situation, just clarifies thoughts and feelings around it.

And it is heartening to hear the 'after' stories - I just wish I could fast forward to a time when everything isn't so raw - I guess pregnancy hormones aren't helping me either.

I still don't know whether it's a good idea to have him present during the birth. I'm not kidding myself - I know he's not going to see the baby and want to sweep me back into his arms. I want him to be able to bond with his son and have some sort of relationship with him (maybe I am kidding myself here as he says he can only make it up once a month to visit him) but on the other hand I think it might be too painful a reminder to have him present. Has anyone any experience of this situation (whether to have ex present at birth or not)?

I wouldn't have him at the birth. It's quite emotional anyway, awkwardness between you and your x would heighten the overwhelming feelings...

I don't want to frighten you, but if you're in pain, or feeling undignified, or feeling scared, you don't want to be factoring in HIS feelings to your behaviour. You will need to just do or say whatever comes naturally.

Do you have a friend or a cousin or an aunt whose child?

I could be a birth partner for a friend now that my youngest is 3 and a half, but it's only recently I could say that. I would have found it too overwhelming when the memories were fresher, iyswim.

When you're back in control and rested, fed, all YOUR family have been told of the new arrival, then you can tell him he can come.

Sorry that made no sense, I mean a friend or a cousin whose children are a bit older, not babies!? I left the sentence hanging in a completely meaningless way...

Thanks QueenLiffey - yes I have my sister who is going to be my birth partner.

Oh good! I was still with my x when I had my children but my sister would have been better. Definitely!!!

But now, it's like you can't say you'd rather have your sister if you have a husband or partner. They're supposed to want to be there, and you're supposed to want them there more than your sister or friend....... Maybe that's usually the case but not always!

I'm rambling now.

So sorry to hear you are going through this. I think you feel so utterly rejected because you have been!

Your husband has made his decisions and now hard as it is, it is time for you to gradually make yours. You said ' He's really excited about becoming a father' but also that he doesn't acknowledge it when you let him know about each midwife visit. He's announced this now when you rightly feel you need him most,so what I am trying to say is that he sounds rather selfish!

My own experience is that my husband initially denied his current affair just after our 4th baby was born then admitted it when the baby was 4 months old, and left us. Then he told me about a string of affairs going back any years that had been previously denied.

I found myself in a dreadful situation with 4 small children, not of my choosing and felt totally out of control. Close friends encouraged me to make decisions that focussed on my wellbeing primarily with the premis that if I was ok, then the children would be too. So, my advise would be to take your feelings and needs first, don't feel under pressure to do what others think is the 'right thing' regarding his access to the baby. Have a birth partner who is going to support you& nurture you, and you know you can rely on, not someone who is going to reject you at a time you maybe anticipated closeness and the building of a new family.
My experience now that my H has left me is that the fact he was present at all our children's births, which for me was a very private intimate thing, alongside the fact that I have always been totally open with him about everything where as he was obviously carrying on his own life that I was unaware of, makes me feel even more violated, rejected and used. So, I would caution against having your H there unless you feel very comfortable about it and confident that it wont hurt when after your time together in the hospital, he turns on his heels to get on with his own life.

It has taken me many months to start to learn that I can't rely on my H for the sort of support I expected to be able to rely on him for, continuous knock backs and heartbreak. The rawness has passed a bit now but it's taken a while, longer than I would have imagined. Don't expect to move on quickly, you may need to grieve for the family life you have been expecting. Do it in your time, no one elses.

So, FWIW, my advise would be, do what you need to do to get yourself through this, concentrate on yourself andyour relationship with your baby. You will find more strength to get through than you expect. Focus on the support of those around you, ( though I know from experience that at times it can make the lack of support from the one person you could count on hurt even more.) and take each day a little bit at a time.

Thanks for the advice stillsuchamess. God, the line about accepting support from friends/family but it still hurting because it highlights the one person who isn't being supportive rings so true!

Your ex-husband has made his choice. Your baby wont remember if he is in the delivery suite, but you will. Do what is right for you.

I applaud you for trying to put your feelings aside to facilitate the relationship between your baby and his/her dad, but you are the crucial parent here - your baby will never have the sort of relationship with his/ her dad that they would have with him growing up in the same family unit.

It does not mean that your ex cant build a good relationship with your child, but he is choosing not to be your husband therefore doesnt have a place by your side when you give birth.

So sorry you are having to face this now just when you need him.
My advice is only have someone who will be there for YOU, you are not the baby factory delivering his baby product. You are a living loving soon to be mother who needs to be respected by yourself. Be kind to yourself. The best advice I got was from hv who said a happy mother makes for a happy baby so make him wait down the hall with the cigar and when YOU are ready he can see your child.
I regret having my exh at the births of our babies , it was a total distraction to be worrying about his feelings thoughts reactions to things etc. that I didn't get to focus on what I was doing which was a bloody important job at the time. so no go gentle on yourself you will be missing him I think you are already grieving for this relationship aren't you.