New Here, totally lost, need help ;(

[cowardlygirl]

Hi there,
I have found these boards from searching in desperation for some advice. This may be a long story, so I'll try not to bore you all!!
Here goes;
I have been with my DH since the last year of school, so 15 years. We have 5 children the eldest is 12 and the youngest almost 3. we have never been particularly unhappy together although obviously there have been difficult times over the years, including losing out first daughter at 5 months of age 7 years ago. A year ago we moved to a village where my DH grew up and at first I loved it. Within a week or two a woman of the same age had introduced herself to me and invited me along the the local toddler group and she seemed really lovely. Over the next couple of months we became really close and I was so happy to have found a good friend as I have never made friends easily. However after 3 months of getting to know each other, spending time together daily, finding we had a lot in common and sharing secrets etc my husband drops a bombshell. He and this woman had an affair 10 years ago, when we had been married a year and I had a 2 year old and a newborn at the time. This woman had known who i was the whole time and had obviously developed some fascination with me because of it. She is now married and has 2 kids of her own. Obviosly I have cut her off but we still see each other at school etc and it really gets me down, I felt so humiliated. I know this was a very long time ago, but it all felt very new to me. I can't believe my husband let me get so close to her- why couldn't he have told me as soon as he realised who she was? Why did he allow it to go on for 3 months before he told me?

My husband has been very good and trying very hard to help me get over it. He says he loves me and that the kids and I are his whole world and I believe that. I just don't know if I can get over this. I have spent my whole adult life with him and I suppose I am scared of having a life without him, but life with him is not making me happy at the moment. What makes it worse is that my mother defends him saying 'he was young and it was years ago' like that makes it ok. I was as young as he was and I have given up my whole life to be with him and raise our family, I'm very resentful of that now. If I had known at the time I could have rebuilt my life by now, I only had 2 children then. But now i have 5 and feel completely trapped and condemned to this life I'm not sure I want anymore. Obviously I still love him, we;ve grown up together and I can't remember him not being in my life. But I'm not sure that's enough. Also I worry about the kids if we separate. The oldest 2 are very proud of their family and having parents that have been together since school and have said in the past how it would ruin their lives if we ever split up! My husband is now really clingy, like it's me that's done something wrong and he's constantly worried that I'll find someone better and leave him. I just don't know what to do. I feel like the last 10 years have been a lie and i'm really struggling to move on, either with or without him Any advice would be greatly appreciated!! Thank you.

Oh, gosh you poor thing .

The OW sounds like a very weird lady! As regard to feeling humiliated - STOP! - you have done nothing wrong - hold your head up high and reassure yourself that, regardless of the affair, you are the mother of your H's children and the woman he has built a family with.

As for you husband, I'll bet he was utterly terrified when this woman came back on the scene - hence not telling you sooner. Yes, that is really shitty, but I can imagine many, many men doing the same head-in-he-sand business. There is so much to deal with in this situation, and you need to take one thing at a time. And, as difficult as it sounds, you need to try and forget the OW's recent stalkerish behaviour and concentrate on talking with you husband. He has behaved extremely badly, and the fact that this happened years ao makes no difference at all - you still need to grieve and rebuild trust (if you still want to stay together).

And, ignore your Mum - she's probably just scared for your family and doesn't want a break-up so is trying to encourage you to stay married.

You sound very together considering the circumstances - keep posting, and allow yourself some time...

Do not feel humiliated it would be her who is vilified if the truth comes out not you - you have done nothing wrong and her behaviour is verging on madness.

Take one day at a time - sit down with your DH and tell him exactly how you feel and how his behaviour makes you feel - hit him with it hard - he made the mistake and has to be the one to change his bahviour and help you through this.

I agree - take no notice of your mother - she just sounds as though she doesn't want your family blown apart by this. Although that of course doesn't help you.

Good luck and I hope you find out what you want to do.

I am so sorry for you. Clearly this other woman has a problem. Not to excuse your Dh but maybe he panicked when he heard you talking about this woman (maybe he had even forgotten her name?) and just didn't know what to do for the best.

I get the feeling you want to stay with your marriage for lots of reasons and need to find a way to get through this.

What would make you feel better? Cutting a leg off all his trousers, itchy powder in his boxers, tipping cold tea on his head, you get the picture. Or do you want to talk it all out?

I wish you luck.

Also, it might have been years ago for him (and is over it) but it is all new to you.

Thanks for the replies; yes DH says that is exactly what happened. He had initially hoped our friendship would just fizzle out naturally, and also he saw how happy I was to have found a friend and didn't want to bring it down around my ears so to speak.

She on the other hand said that she had
hoped I would never find out!!
She also said she didn't want her husband to find out because he suffers with depression and this would push him over the edge. And to be honest I did't want to hurt him to so I've not told anyone. But I can't help but feel that she's got away scot free and I'm left to pick up the pieces. I find it hard seeing her everyday picking the kids up, I feel its always there in my face.

I've thought about moving but it's not a good idea in the current climate and I don't want to uproot the kids now they've settled here.
I feel DH and I have gone over and over it, he's told me everything I wanted to know and realistically there isn't much more he could do. Unfortuately the only thing that would help me would be if he could turn back time but obviously he can't do that! I just can't let go of it and move on, and especially not with her round the corner

and just to clarify, she was single at the time of the affair, it was before she met and married her husband.

You have my sympathy, have you made some more friends now? We moved to a village 2 years ago and it took a lot longer than I thought it would for both me & DSs to make friends (DH not really bothered about making friends).

One thing that struck me about your original post - you have moved back to the village your DH grew up in. Didn't it occur to him that you would bump into this woman sooner or later?

cheapskatemum: thanks for the reply. I do already know quite a few people in the village as its not too far away from the village I grew up in and a lot of people are still here. However I keep myself to myself and am wary of everbody now after she turned out to be so strange. She grew up here too but was not living here at the time, she has come back to the village to raise her own family I guess. My husband said he never thought for a minute that she would still be around, it didn't even cross his mind apparently.

Oh, ok. It's a cliche, but time is a great healer. I'm sure you've got your hands full with 5 DCs (I'll look out for you on the "larger families" forum from now on, as I've got 4 DSs!). Concentrate on them and any any humble pie your DH wants to eat; bide your time. Maybe a year from now it'll seem a bit like a bad dream, rather than a recurring nightmare.