I have a dh niggle - what would you do?

[Broodymomma]

So last night dh passed me his laptop so i could go online, i went straight into hotmail but as he was last on line is went straight into his emails. I totally forgot i was not on my own emails and opened one saying "female name has sent you a message" he was going into the kitchen but he obviously realised before i did what had happened as he sat back down, had a strange look on his face and it was then i noticed it was his email. I said "oh thats yours" and he sat staring at it as i logged out and seemed somewhat relieved when the screen went off. I do totally trust my husband so dont understand what is niggling me. The message was from a girl he used to go to uni with that he has recently got back in contact with via facebook. I know its probably inocent but im wondering why when he gets messages he answers them privately rather than pubicly so others can ready them. Messages from male pals are on his main page. There is one more from some big boobed blonde, i asked who she was and he claimed not to know what i was talking about - when i spelled out her description and said you only accepted her yesterday - he said oh yeah i worked with her. She has sent him a nice message publicly which does not bother me but its the private ones that are niggling me a little.

I know i sound a right pain in the bum but its getting to me - would you be bothered by it?

Bloody facebook!! Oh also he knows my password for everything but wont tell me any of his??

change all your passwords then!

In all seriousness though, Facebook is the work of the Devil. It's the cause of so many arguments and misunderstandings and really best avoided.

Can you not ask your husband straight out the questions that you are asking in your op?
How are things in general at the moment?

Speaking from personal experience I would say he is definately having a private flirt at the least.

You are totally right, i have seen so may problems like this due to facebook which is why im trying not to get too wound up about it.
Generally things are ok but i do feel invisible to him a lot of the time and like im way down on his priority list if that makes sense.

I think all i can do is ask him, i just dont want to sound like a paranoid idiot but at the end of the day its been bugging me since last night - it was his reaction and look on his face that i cant get out of my head.

As for my passwords i have nothing to hide so dont care if he knows them. Dont think he looks anyway.

Grrr i do sound paranoid dont i!!

Binkles thats what i think if im honest!

Ask him.

It doesn't sound great, but it could be innocent and it will niggled you until you know for sure.

So if this was you, you would be wondering why its all be done by private message instead of on the open board too?

Sorry. But its not paranoia. You are probably right to be suspicious. I know that sounds harsh but thinking yourself paranoid is damaging and gives him the power to accuse you being it too. If you see what I mean.

Why dont you send her a message?

You are not being harsh, i need to hear the truth here as anytime i have had a niggle in the past he accuses me of being paranoid and so on and we never get to the bottom of it. You guys dont know either of us just the situation and i need to know what you honestly think.

I dont know the girl personally so would not want to send her a message and look a total twat if its totally innocent. I know they got in touch in december and there is nothing on his page from her message wise so private messaging has been going on since then i suppose.

So. He already has you believing that you are paranoid. Though you know deep down you're not. Dont you?

Does he have his family details published on his profile page? If no, I would send her a message introducing yourself as his partner. Tell her you'd prefer if she used the wall like his other friends, as she's a woman, she's not stupid, she knows how these things can look.

If he doesnt have his family details published I would say he is trying to portray a different persona to what is reality and these covert messages are part of that.

In which case, if he cares about your feelings, he can always deactivate his account.

Yeah he has that he is married and he has some pictures of ds as a baby on there. He is not hiding that but something i have noticed is he puts very few photos of me if any - also his profile pic is always him with his mates never anything family. I have peed him off by finding the gushiest picture of us and using it as my profile pic and sending him stuff so its all over his page!! Ha revenge!!!

I have decided to talk to him about it and ask him to show me the messages. I will just say "look i know it may seem daft to you but as your wife i dont feel comfortable with you having private messages with another woman and i want it to stop". I just cant forget his face last night when he seen i was reading one of the messages, in my gut something is not right. So thanks for all your advice i know i need to say something. If that does not work then i may message her as above but that would be my last resort i think.

Bloody facebook indeed.

Think your DH and this ex university friend of his are doing some online flirting with each other. Emotional affairs are actually very damaging; this needs to be nipped in the bud right now because this could well escalate.

On a wider leve this could all be symptomatic as well of wider problems in your relationship. Do you really talk to each other?. The two of you need to sit down and talk both properly and honestly to each other; have you explained to him wihtout rancour that you feel invisible to him a lot of the time?.

Yeah i have tried but nothing ever changes. I feel like i bore him. Since having ds i lost a lot of my confidence - we had a pretty tough couple of years and its just knocked me back a little. If im honest its like we are flatmates not husband and wife. We just kind of co-exist. Something i have tried to change but he just gets angry when i talk about it.

I read your MN page and the treatment you had could actually try the strongest of relationships to the limit. What you both went through should not be underestimated; were you both counselled at the time?.

Why do you think he gets angry when you try to talk to him?. Do you think all that has happened the past years has something to do with it?.

You have both been through a lot these past couple of years; do you think this can be salvaged if you both went to Relate (if he does not want to go, go on your own) or do you honestly think this relationship has now run its course?.

One thing is certain though; feeling as you do i.e like flatmates is NOT an option and this has to be put in the open and dealt with. Your situation is not healthy for any child to witness, they are perceptive and they will pick up on your unhappiness.

I hope you can both find a way to move forward from where you are now.

Thanks Attila for taking the time to do that. I think i go through phases. The last time it was really bad i honestly felt like leaving, but then it picks up or he does something nice that makes me remember why we are together. I dont want my life without him in it, we have been together 11 years and i do love him very much but if im honest its atleast 5 years i have been feeling this way. I always thought - when we finally have a baby everything will be better but if anything its worse. I dont know if he understands how i feel if he does he cant be bothered to do anything about it.

We went out for a meal a while back just the two of us and i spoek about all of it. How I feel, how unimportant i feel he sees me. Where i think i come in his priorities. Our lack of a sex life - all of it. I know my self esteem is low but lately i have lost 2 stone, am just about what i was when we got married and he has not even noticed. I thought that would make him find me more attractive but no. I honestly dont think he is the type to have an affair but who knows. I just miss what we used to have. We have never had councelling he does not believe in it. I just cant go on another 5 years feeling like i do.

Ironically we are about to have another ivf in may - our last chance. He makes a big deal of going through it and that annoys me as the reason we cant have kids is due to him but its me who has went through all the treatment. I would never throw this in his face but it annoys me sometimes when he complains about it. All he has to do is produce in a jar!

Im sorry for going on, its totally off tangent now too but i think posting this is making me realise if i felt secure in my relationship i would have no worries in him having private messages from a woman. I sound like one of thiose women i want to shake and say "wake up!!"

Just remembering last time we spoke about all this he said "well, i cant change how you feel, i think we are allright so its your problem". How the hell do i deal with that?

Im getting more and more uptight and have a 12 hour nightshift ahead of me tonight whre i know this is going to dominate my mind. Great.

Oh i have been very petty and just changed my passwords on everything - why should he be able to access mine if i cant his? I know childish but hey ho!