Family feud about to occur, over af all things, a bloody funeral....

[DrNortherner]

Dh's parents divorced over 30 years ago.

Dh's Dad married dh's step mum 26 years ago.

Dh's mum never married again, but has a dp who is in a nursing home.

Dh's mum and step mum used to be best friends. Dh's mum had an affair, then after the divorce his Dad went on to marry her best mate. Make sense?

Things tricky between MIL and step MIL ever since.

Anyway, step MIL's mum passed away and it's her funeral next week. MIL wants to go to pay her respects (they were best mates and she spent alot of time at her house) Step MIL does not feel it appropriate that MIL attends and wants dh to tell his mum this.

MIL is not at all rationla and will flip her lid.

What are your thoughts on this? (if you can keep up!!)

Thanks

wow.

my first instinct is:

not fair to give the job to your DH.

how are things between FIL and MIL? Could he do it?

Families ehhh?!!

I think that step mum in law is being a bit unfair as mil and step mil mum were friends

death brings out the worst in people. What I would say is:

A funeral isn't like a wedding where you can decide who is and isn't to be invited. If mil wants to go then that is her right. Funerals are actually public and anyone can attend.

I think going to a funeral when you are not invited, or more importantly not wanted is rude. It sounds as though MIL hasn't seen the dead woman for 26 years, and wanting to go to the funeral of someone's mum who you knew 26 years ago does sound a weak excuse and more that she wants to feel included ? and stir things up. Step mum in law and FIL should be giving MIL this message though, not your husband.

Although funerals are in theory "open to anyone" to go I feel that if, for whatever reason, it would cause an argument/upset/bad feeling if someone was to attend then they should stay away (in most cases anyway).

A funeral is not the place to make a point by attending. Goodbyes can be said in other ways. I think the gracious thing for your MIL to do would be to not attend the funeral but maybe visit the grave at a later date and say her goodbyes then.

Its not as though they were still really close by the sounds of things

You cannot stop her going to the funeral.
But you do not need to invite her to the wake.

hmmm there are other ways to pay respects to someone. light a candle, think happy thoughts and all that jazz

I thought it was the other way around ? That anyone can attend a marriage but funerals are invites ?

I know our town hall has to advertise that it's performing a marriage ceremony and anyone can go in !

Church weddings are a free for all, I don't think mainstream Christian churches do private ceremonies of any sort. If a funeral is crematorium only, as many are then I wouldn't have thought that would be open to all. You don't have to tell people there is a funeral, unlike a wedding where banns are published.
If it was a member of my exhusband's family and I wasn't wanted I wouldn't go. as others have said there are better ways of remebering someone than stirring things up amongst their relatives if there are hostile emotions around.
It would probably have been better if no-one had told her when the funeral was. Her exhusband should tell her he'd rather she didn't go.

would your MIL really not care that she would be hurting the daughter of the dead woman by attending?

I don't think it would be kind to attend a funeral if it would cause upset to someone more closely bereaved. Right or no right.