i want dh to be more assertive with family

[MrsMrs]

I know the in-law thing has really been done to death and lots of people really don't get on with theirs etc etc and some are toxic etc etc .

OK - my in-laws are not toxic or devious or anything like that, but there are cultural differences I suppose in the way we live, and a recurring problem is that I am private and they are nosy, I don't like being given unasked for advice, they adore to give it, I don't expect to have my decisions mulled over and judged, they ... well you get the picture.

This is just how they are. They are quite gossipy, all the family (2 parents and 4 children) discuss one another all the time, feel they ought to have input into one another's lives, etc.

Now - I hate this. I hate spending time with them, I hate the fact that they want to be involved in our lives to an extent that I am not happy with. But I am also cross today because yet again one of them has criticised dh to the point of having an argument with him, over something small (date chosen for birthday party). I hate that dh doesn't stand up to them, that he readily absorbs criticism, assumes he is at fault, apologises, smooths things over. He says I should be more like this and less prickly (I am prickly, to be fair) but I want him to develop a backbone and tell them to shove off.

It's all confused the way I wrote it.

What can I do? Does it make any sense?

Bumping for you.

When you say cultural differences, what cultures are you talking about?

Thanks Puzzle.

Anna when I said cultural differences it was sloppy phrasing - I don't mean we come from opposing cultures in an East/West sense, nor even different countries, and religion doesn't come into it. I just meant that our family cultures are very different. Mine gives privacy and respect to each new family - i.e. all the children's families, the husbands, wives, grandchildren - and his just seems to be all over us. I am just so fed up with them. If it weren't for him they are just not people I would choose to have in my life. I know this doesn't make me unique.

MRS I know exactly how you feel only its my family!
They are really lovely but live in each others pockets, see each other every day, parents and siblings offer 'opinion' on bloody everything, wanting to know every little detail of you life. Then get very hurt when you don't, like you are rejecting them when all you want is some bloody privacy!
I really dont think my family need to know what contraceptive I'm using or when we are starting a family. Because I refuse to discuss these things they analysis my every word and action to try and gain clues as to when we will be having kids.
I'm in the very early stages of pregnancy they have no idea (I've been avoiding them) and I certainly wont be telling them until I'm at least 12 weeks maybe longer if I can get away with it mainly just to make a point that I will share information/news when I'm good and ready.

Sorry that was a bit of a rant and not very helpful.

I would say what helped us, at least with the every day aspect of it, is living an hour away. Is it possible to move?
DH family are quite difficult too and he finds it hard to deal with them, so I have nugged myself into making sure that they communicate with me giving us some control of family arrangements etc, as i will be more firm with them.

My family is bookish, arty, liberal, blah blah, his is sporty, social (as in lots of big get-togethers), blunt.

My family is very... polite.

God I feel like a bitch and a snob. I am neither (I hope). It's not a class thing.

LOL it does sound a bit like a class thing. Class = culture, after all...

I am sorry secretagent (and congratulations ), are you the only member of your family to find it oppressive and intrusive?

I like where I live and our roots are here. I don't want to move because his family are so boorish!!

Well however you define the reason for the differences, it's driving me bananas and causing us to argue and I don't want to live under their shadow for the rest of my life! Grr.

Mrs yes I am the only one until I meet DH I though it was me in that was wrong! DH was a bit like when he realized me dad visits my sisters house at least 3/4 times a week and spends ALL day there. DH made me promise that I would never let that happen.

Funny DH and I are very bookish, cultural, polite and possibly a bit reclusive neither of us a re social creatures at all.
Were as my family are all big family get together types would never consider picking up a book or discussing current politics.

It's not snobbish it's a fact.

Maybe live on the edge of town?

I can already see we have very different ideas on child raising (I used to be in childcare so have a fair idea of what I'm doing) there will almost certainly be problems there because I wont be listening to their 'opinions'.

I think just make excuses,never be available they will eventually get the idea.

You have to explain to your DH how you feel, and ask him how he feels.

apologies for awful grammar.

He knows how I feel and understands. He feels similarly, but of course he loves his family and doesn't want to hurt them by cold shouldering them or by telling them they are a nuisance. (I do get this, by the way!) He says they are not his responsibility & I can't get annoyed with him every time they annoy me. I think this is the crux of the problem - I think it is up to him to control the impact of his family on our relationship. He doesn't really see this. He thinks we should nod and smile while they're around, ignore them subsequently and just get on with our own thing.

secretagent his nieces & nephews do things like do songs in front of parties for adult applause. That just makes me curl up. I will not be encouraging my dc to do this, but they will call for them to perform. I hate performing children. I do make a lot of excuses, they must think I am the rude one, they wear a bit thin (the excuses I mean).

Ho hum.

OK, so you are saying that the fact that your DH's family doesn't respect the boundaries of your couple with DH bothers him as much as it bothers you, but that he would rather appease his family and avoid conflict with them than avoid conflict with you?

Top tip: be more conflictual than they are. He will fall into line with you if you give him more hell than they do .

OK he cant have it both ways if he wont give the cold shoulder and allows them to continue there over bearing ways then IMO he IS responsible you getting annoyed and irritated by them as you have asked for help dealing with them and he has refused.

My nieces and nephews dont preform but they do run mad, dominate adult conversation and are very very hyper. With that sort of 'energetic' atmosphere is easy for us quite types to feel on edge. Even there dog is hyper!
I know they will all think I'm an evil mum for following a routine and most likely be quick strict compared to them, but I honestly dont care we will raise our child our way.

How does your DH view your family?

WTF is wrong with my grammar tonight!

LOL Anna you do have a nice phrasing there, might drop that into argument discussion later.

He thinks my family are great and very adult etc. He gets on really well with my mother, they have great chats & interests in common.

LOL "energy" - I can feel a migraine coming on already!

Oh dear MN does at least help one to regain one's sense of humour, doesn't it? Sometimes tis the first thing to go.

It would seem that your DH learnt in his family that other people's boundaries are flimsy things and that trespassing on other people's personal space is "normal" behaviour. Your DH's family is wrong and your family is right but it is hard for your DH to unlearn the habits of a lifetime and to tell his trespassing family to stay beyond the gates of his garden unless invited. You need to explain all this again and again, at first calmly and analytically, and if the message doesn't get through that way, by raising your voice big time.

Oddly, he has not learnt it to the extent that he does it himself (but then I find it hard to imagine that he came from that family), but you are right that it is normal to him that they are like that.

It's always so sensitive, criticising someone's family. I would take it very hard, I think.

So much of relationships is concerned with re-education (on both sides). Hard work.

I have the same problem, same set up in the differing families, it is very tiring. The constant intrusions, and lack of boundaries are so so very annoying.

Dh is like your dh, it annoys him but then he thinks it is normal.

Anyway slowly it has improved, by sheer exasperation and stubbornness on my part, but I think it will always be there.

I seem to swing from extreme politeness, to being well, a bit rude (not answering the phone ). The thing is I could practically do anything I wish to get the message across, they ALWAYS bounce back and are massively intrusive again.

I also don't talk about it in rl anymore as it is tiring for others who really don't understand and there is pretty much nothing I can do to change things except marginally (or rather radically of course). and it makes be feel a bit guilty even posting this as dh is pretty good and it's difficult for him I suppose.

Probably not of any help reading my problems but hey you have my sympathy.

I honestly don't think you can change the situation at all.

They are his family . Now they are yours too!
They have operated in this way for years, and will not change.

It's not that their way is better or worse than yours.
It is just different!

I think you have to change the way you think about it because they are not going to change the way they are.

Remember, your dh is the man he is - as a PRODUCT of that family.

Put a positive spin on it!

Agree with Jasper, I actually think they sound quite good fun (and quite like my own in laws), although I am from a background fairly similar to yours and found the contrast startling to begin with, I soon realised how refreshing it was and enjoy the differences now.

I'd support your DH if he is being walked over, but they just sound boisterous sorts who need him to talk back to them with the same honesty and bluntness they give out. I suspect your bristling is not going unnoticed and they're not really sure how to approach you. If their advice is unwelcome, just ignore it. I'm sure it's well intentioned.

I'd really try and make the best of it if I were you, for the sake of your DH and DC's - you really could do an awful lot worse inlaws wise, going by some threads on here!