I say X, he hears Y and thinks I really mean Z

[Larchwood]

Dh and I have a great marriage, but of course we aren't perfect and do sometimes have rows. Last night we had one, which was really about crossed wires and not particularly important. What drives me insane is that he tends to either hear what I've said as something completely different and often worse or he'll 'interpret' it. So at some point he'll say something like 'no, this is really about blah' when it's nothing to do with blah at all. Aghhh, it makes it so hard to communicate at times, especially if it's something that could be misinterpreted. Not sure I'm explaining myself well here, but I need to vent, sorry.

Larchwood this is a common problem and often down to fundemental communication and inherited behaviours between men and women (or so say a few of the books I've read recently). Women on the whole tend not to speak directly / clearly and so men have learned to interpret the language used. The situation and style people have to vary but maybe its worth thinking about the way you generally speak to your DH and be more direct / simpler statements. Often women tend to 'think out loud' whereas men process before and then come out with a statement. Does that help?

Or in our case it is usually a case of dp doesn't like what he is hearing and tries to translate it into something else to get himself off the hook and avoid discussing the real problem. Its easier for him to think I'm really annoyed about work / kids / PMT / whatever and I am just taking it out on him rather than admit that he himself has pissed me off!!

so talk to a man like a child

or a dog

I email ny dh,,
or leave notes

and write in a message book

talk to him....
that is too hard...

I think this is quite typical of most relationships actually and I'm not sure what the answer is. My husband once gave me a card with this quote on it which sums it up quite well

"I know you believe you understand what you think I said. But I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant."

Aha ginny, that's exactly how it feels. I actually think part of our problem is that we both hate disagreements so we both let a lot of minor annoyances go. Inevitably things get bottled up and about once a year we have a huge row. The problem with this is and that we don't know how to disagree without it turning into a row. So, yes SDD (so lovely to have a man's view) you are probably right I do tip toe about if there's a problem and waffle on trying not to cause a row. Still not sure how we solve it though.

jelliebelly.

It's a mistake to make this a gender issue, because it's not. Most people don't listen that well, especially when what the other person is saying is not what they want to hear. Some people do fanny around instead of getting to the point, as well - if something's important to you Say so, your partner is not a mind reader.
SOme wankers like John Grey have made a fortune out of fuckwitted books claiming that it's all about gender: the real message of such books being 'Men are entitled to do what they like because they have penises, and women should just shut up and get used to it.'

Yes me and DP's arguments start off with bickering about something minor, then degenerate into "no that is NOT what you said, you said blah-de-blah" etc. I especially hate it if I ask his opinion about something and he makes this kind or "uuhhmm-mm" noise that really sounds like he means "nah, I think not" - but if I try to pin him down he insists it doesn't mean anything - arrrrgh, say what you really mean then!

But to the OP, at the risk of riling you even more - could he have a point? Sometimes DP does piss me off. Other times, especially with PMT, I am being unreasonable but I can't see it until later. OTOH he needs to be able to admit when he has been annoying too.

snowleopard - of course not I am always right . Honestly his interpretations are almost always so off kilter that they're almost funny. He's a great man really, perhaps I'm asking for perfection from the poor guy.

When I'm irritated by DP I do try to remind myself of some of the unhappy relationships and appalling behaviour I read about on here - they can put it in perspective.

Are you married to my dh? I don't know what the answer is, but I think it is very common.

Jellibellie, that quote is fab.
My DP has a habit of using long words he doesn't totally understand the meaning of , normally in entirely the wrong context. This means I hear what he actually said, rather than what he meant. Cue endless stupid arguments!

Totally agree with solid gold. That Mars/ Venus stuff is toxic sexism as far as I can see.

I wonder if all these men who are hormonally disposed to lack communication skills haven't got a clue how to do their jobs as they don't understand the instructions - I seriously doubt it.

Having said that I do agree with one quote from Mars/ Venus, which is along the lines that almost all arguments end up being about the way you're arguing. Too true in my house.

'Women on the whole tend not to speak directly / clearly and so men have learned to interpret the language used'

???????!!!!!!!

Never read so much utter drivel....was that clear enough?

Gloria, my dh does that too. But I usually know what he means, or else what he has said doesn't make sense at all and I ask him what he means.

Do you correct his usage? I do, and I know it is a bit controlling of me, but I don't want my children to end up saying they are 'prestigious coffee drinkers' or other such nonsense!

"Totally agree with solid gold. That Mars/ Venus stuff is toxic sexism as far as I can see"

agree completely.you get it both ways. from women giving it the "all men are useless/women are better at multi-tasking" even on this thread a joking "so talk to a man like a child or a dog" which would never be tolerated vice-versa and are just as dispicable and sexist as a lot of the comments i've heard this week regarding the french minister for justice along the lines of "how can you have a woman in that position of power, they deal too much in emotions" or "they aren't as clinical/logical as men" which is strangely a comment i heard echoed by a woman i know this week.