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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do you fall OUT of love with someone who isn't your DH?

27 replies

DontLikeLying · 15/01/2009 14:16

DH and I have been together for 13 years and have 3 children. If I'm really and truly honest I have to say that I have never really loved him in the way that I should, although we did get married a couple of years ago. However, I love him dearly as a friend and I do not want to hurt him in any way.

The problem is that I have fallen in completely and utterly in love with someone else. I have no intention of doing anything about this, although I'm fairly sure that the other man feels the same. I'm not going to go into details but we work together and are already good platonic friends, although we have never discussed any further relationship. It's not an infatuation that will just pass of it's own accord and I'm aware that, having loved him for almost a year now, it's something that I need to deal with one way or the other.

My relationship with DH had deteriorated so much that I tried to leave him before Christmas. He hadn't realised that things had got so bad and made it very clear that he would be devasted if we split up, and I'm acutely aware that all 3 children would be too.

So, I can't split up my family and I don't want to hurt H. So, how do I deal with this? I don't want to change jobs as the hours fit with childcare and I'd be hard pushed to find something with similar hours, pay and pension etc. How do I fall out of love with someone that I see every day, and someone that I feel more strongly about the more I learn about him? And how do I keep putting H off wanting to have sex, when he thinks that everything is getting back to some kind of normality after what he has convinced himself was just a pre-Christmas "hiccup"?

Sorry if this rambles, but I can't go on feeling like this and I need a strategy to cope with staying with an H who is a friend but not my soulmate anymore.

OP posts:

MinaLoy · 15/01/2009 14:20

In my experience the ONLY way is to stop seeing the person; you'll have to weigh up the job's hours, pay, pension etc against all the other factors. Good luck

thatwasme · 15/01/2009 14:24

Agree with Mina. The only way is to make a clean break and stop seeing the person.

I was in a very similar situation. I changed jobs, made a clean break and actually got over it very quickly, was able to focus on my relationship with DH, we are now extremely happy and I look back and wonder what on earth I was thinking.

You need a new job.

notnowbernard · 15/01/2009 14:25

New job

Sorry

rubyslippers · 15/01/2009 14:26

new job

unavailable · 15/01/2009 14:27

Is it possible that you have invested strong emotional feelings in this other man purely because you are unhappy with your husband, as a sort of subconcious way of avoiding dealing with the issue of your marriage? If you have never discussed your feelings with him, how do you know he feels the same?

Sorry, I 've not explained that very well, but I think your priority should be deciding how to improve/break up your marriage.

Original poster

DontLikeLying · 15/01/2009 14:35

OK thanks folks. Unavailable, you're probably right.
Best see what jobs are in the paper, I suppose.
How the hell do I keep avoiding H's advances though? I'm running out of excuses for going to bed a couple of hours after him. This side of things is not going to get better.

OP posts:

thatwasme · 15/01/2009 14:38

What are you actually doing about the fact that you are not interested in his advances though? You can't avoid him forever and it's reasonable for him to think that if you are staying together and making a go of things part of that will be a sexual relationship.

You need to talk to him about taking it slowly and addressing the fact that you aren't feeling like it at the moment, rather than avoiding him.

Counselling?

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 15/01/2009 14:41

If you can't stomach the thought of having sex with your H then your marriage is in trouble. It's not reasonable, kind or fair to continually refuse or avoid sex and refuse or avoid any kind of discussion about the issue.
Have a think about what you would like to do. You could go to Relate or sexual counselling to improve the sexual side of your marriage, but if the thought of working on getting back sexual desire for your husband nauseates you then you really need to consider separating and making the separation as amicable as possible (ie don't tell him that you fancy someone else. It's not actually relevant. THe issue is that you and your H are not working as a romantic couple). IN time, with luck and care and effort, you and your H can become friendly co-parents.
But if you carry on refusing to have sex with him, not discussing it, and letting yourself 'drift' into an affair as a way of getting out of your marriage, then it will be much harder to retain a friendly relationship with your co-parent/XH, because you will have been very unfair to him.

squeaver · 15/01/2009 14:43

Agree with everyone - new job.

And counselling to sort out the sex thing. It's perfectly reasonable of your dh to expect that to be part of a "restored" marriage.

frumpygrumpy · 15/01/2009 14:51

You need to see this as two very separate things. Your relationship and its problem and this man.

You might 'love' this man because he fills something inside you that wasn't there. Time away from him is the only way to truly understand the depth of your feeling.

After 13 years and 3 kids, marriage isn't always going to be all fluttering hearts anymore and its important that you find out precisely what the problem is within your relationship. This way you can find out if you relationship is dull and boring and in need of a launder or if it has a serious issue that will never change. Many, many marriages are a little dull but extremely strong and worthwhile. Its that old chestnut 'companionship' which is the mother of all things that sound old

FWIW, I thought my relationship was something to worry about a while ago. I thought it filled nothing in me that I needed. Now, after a bout of counselling (for a separate personal thing) I see my relationship in a whole new light. Its is bloody strong and has reached a much deeper love than I ever could have hoped for.

Don't give up. Get to the bottom of this! xxx

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 15/01/2009 15:32

This is always a useful focussing question (which obviously you don't have to answer on here): How do you feel about the idea of your DH having sex with other people? The answer will help you clarify whether you want to work on restarting a monogamous couple-relatinship with him or whether your efforts would be better directed to making the transition from couple to co-parents as amicable as possible.

Pinkjenny · 15/01/2009 15:34

In my experience (IYSWIM), you have to change jobs. Agree wholeheartedly with frumpygrumpy.

OrmIrian · 15/01/2009 15:36

I moved jobs when this happened to me. Partly because of this. You can't keep on seeing him every day when there is going to be a little bit of you that really wants something to happen so that you can say you got carried away. The way I felt was that making an effort to deliberately see the OM was a step too far whereas seeing him every day as a matter of course was too easy.

How long do you imagine your H will put up with no sex and only half a marriage. It's not sustainable.

Lisey09 · 15/01/2009 15:48

Changing jobs will only work if you don't have any contact with him outside of the office.

Having been in a destructive relationship with someone I worked with a few years back, I changed jobs but it didn't change how I felt about them at all.

It was only when I was happy with a new relationship and felt secure and content, safe in the knowledge that my DP loved me deeply that I was able to cease communication with the 'old-flame' altogether and archive the whole thing.

It is a horrible burden having feelings for another that can't be acted on (for whatever reason) and wonder whether the reason you feel this way about the new guy is because you are bored with your relationship and life at home?

I think the root of the whole situation is your marriage - you need to work to find that deeper love with your husband. You mention that you've never loved your husband as you should, that doesn't mean you can't get to the point where you do. Not all happy marriages/relationships started that way - if you were to leave your husband and try a relationship with the office guy, if things don't work out you will have ruined your (potentially happy) marriage and also screwed up your work environment too. How awful would it be to then realise that you did love your husband after all, more than you realised? It would be a tragedy for you and your family.

Try seeing a counsellor, they may be able to help you see the woods for the trees.

frumpygrumpy · 15/01/2009 18:51

Thank you pinkjenny. I echo seeing a counsellor.....a good one is worth his/her weight in gold.

abedelia · 15/01/2009 19:11

Be careful of what you are hankering after. Is it just the chance of teenage passion? How well do you really know this other man? How would you really feel living on your own and sharing custody of dcs / seeing your H move on? People who appear functional in work environments can be hiding some pretty serious emotional/ mental problems that only come out when you get involved with them (as my H discovered with his pathologically lying / NPD OW!) You are really endangering your relationship with your H through thinking this man is going to solve all your problems - realistically he is unlikely to live up to this as you are presently only seeing his good points. The fact your H has noticed your pain and cares is a very good sign and people like that are hard to find. Don't throw it away without giving it as big a chance as you can, for both his, yours and the dcs' sake.

Original poster

DontLikeLying · 15/01/2009 22:46

Hi folks - thanks for all replies. Need to do some thinking. Really don't think job change is an option but counselling might be useful TBH I think I have to face it that relationship with H is dead in water but just wish he'd realise it too.
Thanks.

OP posts:

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 16/01/2009 09:58

IN that case counselling will hopefully help you end the relationship with as much kindness as possible. Your H probably does realise that you are not happy in the relationship and moving away from him, unfortunately his response is probably the usual one of trying harder and harder to please you - which of course is very annoying and off-putting when you are no longer in love with someone, but do please try to be kind to him. It's not wrong to love someone who doesn't love you or to want to try to make a relationship work - but it isn't possible to 'make' someone love you or stay with you.
DOn't let things drag on, though. If you have decided yo udon't want to be in a couple-relationship with him any more, th sooner you tell him the better, otherwise resentments start, and grow on both sides.

lovelessbroad · 16/01/2009 19:49

Hmm. I had a thread about this a year ago, it's called ludicrous teenage situation in 37 year old woman or something.There was another thread as well called slag anon in which we all wrote atrocious haiku poems to expiate our feelings for the OM. It was very funny but unfortunately got deleted.

In our case, we have managed to become mates, me and the OM. It was hard and involved an immense amount of pain and Winehousian behaviour for me, but it was worth it. He is married and I hated the idea of being someone who could betray another woman. The fact that I had no compunction about betraying my dh showed me how much trouble we were in.

My marriage continues to be in great trouble.Despite lots of relate, my dh has moved out temporarily and we have not had sex in over a year. The OM thing for me was definitely a symptom of a floundering marriage.

I second everyone who says get counselling and work out what is going on in your marriage and in your head/heart.. good luck

pocoyo1 · 16/01/2009 20:17

Loveless, I totally agree with you. I am also emotionally involved with OM. and I am pretty sure, actually.. very sure its a symptom of my unhappy marriage.

Dontlikelying- do try counselling as have been suggested at least you can be sure you fought hard for your marriage and don't be hard on yourself.

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 16/01/2009 22:07

Lovelessbroad: don't you think in your case it might be time to give that marriage a decent burial then? There comes a time when it's kinder and better all round to call a halt.

lovelessbroad · 16/01/2009 23:17

Possibly, solid, possibly.
Bu I am still hoping that I might start to feel like having sex with him again at some point.
We have a lot in common and 14 years together. 2 kids. Same, obsessive, vocational job. And I do love him. Complex innit.

End of hijack.

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 17/01/2009 10:18

LLB: I think maybe it;s complex because we are tuaght to treat people as partners or nothing. You can still love and value and care for someone who feel no sexual desire for - with 2 kids together you are co-parents so you're family no matter what.
But if you;ve had a year of counselling and still don;t want to have sex with each other, it's probably time for an official burial of the 'couple' part of your close relationship and a move on towards the status of co-parents.
Just because long-term 'working on a relatinship' is so depressing and unhealthy when the couple-relationship is dead.

lovelessbroad · 17/01/2009 19:43

are you madamez?

solidgoldsoddingjanuaryagain · 17/01/2009 21:49

Yes. Please don't try to claim your £5 prize as am broke

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