1st message need some non biased advice

[debs05]

This is my first post although I have read many posts regarding affairs. I have been with my husband for 22 yrs Im 39 and we have 5 children aged between 3 and 15. Last Jan I found out my OH was having an affair with a work colleague, I was devastated, my OH is the only man I have had a relationship with.

At first he was still acting strange and I found out later he was still in touch with her for another 5 wks. He said this was because she wanted him!!. My kids all suffered and I got my revenge (towards his brand new BMW). After this he changed completely and was devastated at what hed done.

I couldnt let it go and confronted her, when I did she told me that he had cheated twice before, once with a work colleague for 2 yrs when our eldest was born, his excuse was that he felt as though he'd missed out as we got together so young.

So the whole of last year was awful with me chucking him out constantly, but he would never give up and is devastated by his actions. I could make excuses for him because he had a really bad childhood and infact his mum killed herself, but I know we all make choices and hes an adult responsible for his actions.

Im still so devastated and hurt I cant move on, this was never my life plan when we had the kids to be on my own. We have a good life etc but I feel like a fool.

Goodness, what a year you had last year.
Do you want to stay with him? Do you love him?
Have you tried counselling at all, it may help you both move on.

You are not a fool. He is the fool for thinking he had missed out when he clearly has the best wife he could wish for.

It is down to you to decide what happens next imo.

I tried counselling as Im at University and its free, but it hasnt helped. As part of my Uni course Im studying Psychology and that has helped.

I am constantly talking through things in my head and I know I dont deserve to be treated like this, I am so naive I didnt realise just how many people have affairs, its only when you talk to people they open up about it. Its nasty, destructive and such a waste of time.

think its terribly sad what you've had to go thru
agree with NAB that you need to decide what's best for you and your future
hope things work out xx

Sorry you've had such a rotten time, I agree with NAB he is the fool, as to how you move forward, I think that firstly you need to decide if you want to forgive him and move forward, regardless of whether you think it is possible. Hope this year gets better for you. xx

What do you want?

If you still love him and want to stay together you will have to forgive him and learn to trust him.

If you can't do that, you can't do it.

If you don;t love him and can't trust him. well, then you know.

Thanks, the trouble is I do love him but I dont love the person thats done this, I cant relate the two people together. If I move on and try to put this behind us, it seems as though, it means I love him more than he loved me, if he loved me enough he wouldnt of done all those things.

Maybe not - maybe he's just not wired for fidelity. He might love you very much, he picked you as the mother of his children, he's just not good at being sexcually faithful.

You need to talk to him. Ask him to be honest so you can make a decision based on all the facts. Can he be faithful? Can he maybe go talk to someone about why he can't if he thinks so - maybe not even tell you - just go see a cognitove behavioral therapist to help him understand the triggers of why he feels the need to stray?

Or if he won't and says he will just try - maybe you just have to accept that this goes with the territory (like Posh) and do your best with it.

I doubt its that youy love him more. You may be the one wired for monogamy and he isn't. Does that make you uncompatible? You need to discuss it.