what a total mess

[what2donow]

I know I am going to get 100% flamed for this. I also accept that is probably something I deserve, but here goes anyway:

Last year, a few months after splitting with my exP, I met someone. I wasn't looking, he was a friend of a friend. He was funny, clever, charming, and married with DCs a similar age to mine. I never expected anything to happen, because he was married. At the end of the evening, by which time I was rather drunk (he was driving so sober) I kissed him. He kissed me back, we snogged, that was that.

I thought of it as a drunken mistake, but when we met again a few months later he told me he'd thought about me all the time since the previous night. And so started our affair.

After that, we would speak & text each other every day. It wasnt just a physical attraction by any means, although that was very strong, it was everything else as well. We both said we had never felt as we did about each other about anyone else before, if that makes sense. We said we were the loves of each other lives, and used to talk about being pensioners going for walks by the sea together etc. Sad I know.

My ex (who is not and never has been a nice man, but thats one for another thread) then by various means gets hold of their phone nos & starts phoning them - to him along the lines of stay away from my woman & my dcs you c*t and to his wife - your prick of a DH is fcking the woman I love, keep him away from her & my DCs. And so on.

Around this point, his wife phones me again, & leaves a voicemail asking to confirm whether her DH is telling the truth in saying he hadnt seen me since she last called me (She'd phoned me once before & I'd lied & said I was just a friend via work to which she told me he knew he wasnt allowed female friends, and she had told him he wasnt to speak to me again & she expected me not to contact him....) or my Ex was. I don't phone her back. Reason is that I couldnt face lying to her. But equally I didnt want to tell her the truth.

I expected to hear from him when the dust settled, as had previously been the case, but I didnt. Then I found out he was in major trouble at work & on verge of being sacked as a result of something involving my Ex - this is about 3rd/4th hand so know none of the details. I text him to apologise for my ex's behaviour, but havent had a reply or anything. This was several weeks ago.

General opinion among my friends seems to be I should just write it off, and move on (how I loathe that phrase) but I don't feel I can just forget that easily about someone I felt so strongly about & that I should try and contact him, even if it produces the worst imagineable result (ie that he wants nothing to do with me)?

I havent really allowed myself to think that might be the outcome, but if it is, how then do I get over it?

and just so you know - not trying to hurt or attack you - i just think you seriously need to move on from this as quickly as possible and sometimes that means a reality check.

It seems to me that he's probably done this before... His wife clearly doesn't trust him, and that must come from somewhere.

Wouldn't most women at least agree to some sort of closure with 'other woman?'

Prettyfly - in terms of happiness, I meant in terms of relationships - that is the one area of my life which I had just expected not to work out before this - which was fine because I have my health, friends, a very good job and lovely DCs. Lots of which other people don't have so I am grateful for that.

His friends told me about them discussing separating etc not just him, but I do take your point anyway.

ilovemydog- I know from his friends he was a bit of a player in his youth until he met his wife (in his late teens) I believe - and have been told - he was always faithful to her until he met me but I accept that may well not be true. The impression I have formed is that his wife doesnt trust him and didnt long before all this, and either that comes from his long distant past, from her being irrational, or other stuff I dont know about.

BBM - point taken. I'm not saying his wife is bad, I've always known she is very intelligent (she and I work in similar professions) so figured there was most likely some explanation for her lack of trust.

I wouldn't say he is self obsessed, but he is very non-confrontational and also a dreamer (as am I - which probably explains a lot...)

The worst imagineable result could actually be that he leaves his family, they are devastated and his DC are affected for the rest of their lives, he moves in with you, it goes tits up because the love he felt was actually only an illusion engendered by the freedom and excitement he associated with it, you break up, his wife has moved on and won't have him back, and everyone's unhappy. I'm not saying that would defimitely happen, but it does happen all the time - I have seen it frequently and heard of many more similar cases.

Whereas if you leave him to it, he can give his marriage the attention it needs - if it is still not right, they can separate without pressure, and when he is single, if you really are soulmates and good for each other, you can take it from there.

But the big problem with seeing a married man is if you do it, no two ways about it, you are bagging a man who you know is prepared to cheat. He may not be as great as he seems, if you can try to see him objectively.

busybeingmum i completely agree.

I think the fact you are trying to partly blame his wife ffor her lack of trust pushing him and you together isn't very nice at all and as busy said if so it's perfectly justified!

lilyloo - ilovemydog said in her post that his wife clearly didnt trust him. I agreed, and said that from what I knew she hadnt trusted him for years, and that there were various possible reasons for that - which other than speaking to her and asking her about I'm not going to know which is correct, or partly correct.

I didn't and wouldn't seek to suggest that he started a relationship with me entirely due to her lack of trust in him. They were both apparently unhappy at that time and had been for a while; I accept entirely that many people would at that point try and resolve the issues in their marriage and if they couldnt then look to divorce or separate, some like him end up having affairs. I've never been married so don't know how I would react in that position.

What stands out for me in your post is this;

'he knew he wasn't allowed female friends'

From what you say about his wife's reaction - this is not a man who can cope with a monogamous relationship.

I think you should move on. It is very hard when you have an emotional attachment to someone. Sometimes you know someone is bad for you but you want them anyway because emotion is overriding logic. But the only way to get over it is to have a cold turkey period of not seeing them.

He sounds as though he could be quite a weak character and doesn't want to contact you at all (even to finish it) because he is worried where it will lead. It seems pretty obvious (as a third party) that he has decided to stay and give his marriage a go. Maybe he doesn't want to end it officially with you because he wants to keep him options open ? Maybe his wife has got rid of his phone and he's not getting your messages. Either way, he could contact if he wanted to and he clearly doesn't want to (at the moment).

Leave him to it. If you are as perfect for each other as you think you are, then the chances are he won't be able to make a go of his marriage and you may end up together but at least at that stage you will both know that he has given his marriage a decent chance by staying away from you.

Que sera sera ....

I think you might find some counselling helpful. Because from reading your initial post, it sounds like you spent some time with an abusive controlling and potentially dangerous man (your XH who was prepared to threaten and slander the other man and his family despite the fact that he's your XH and therefore who you sleep with is none of his business). THis kind of thing messes with your boundaries and affects your ability to judge other men accurately. Because your fling sounds like a bit of a berk. He probably does start an affair about once a year, bleating about his wife not understanding him, and he probably has a radar for vulnerable, unhappy, previously abused women.
OK so you had an affair with a married man, but you're not as culpable as he is. You don't actually owe his wife anything, you never made any promises to her. But getting some counselling will help you be able to turn away crap men, live happily without a couple-relationship if necessary and then, if you do want one, it will help you find a decent man.

TSM - I know he is weak and doesnt like confrontation ie arguing, shouting etc (however I and his wife from what I've heard about her are arguing, shouting types!) probably explains why he is now probably sitting on the fence rather than dumping me &/or having it out with her.....not making him sound too great am I?

solidgold - you are more right than you know about my ex. My only regret is I wasted 7 years of my life with him, and that even after we split because I felt sorry for him over (alleged) abuse he suffered as a child I let him be my 'friend'. I told him about this guy because I wanted him to meet our DCs after Xmas and I wanted my ex to know about that well beforehand. I really should have thought that the man who belittled me for all those years wasnt suddenly going to be my friend, but in fact was looking for the chance to stick the knife in - which he did, not just to me, but to an entire family he has never even met!

The best thing that has come out if this so far is that I now have no illusions AT ALL re my Ex, and refuse to see or speak to him (whereas before this he was at my house, or on the phone to me every day...)

As to my married man, I hope I'm not one of a line. I do accept though that after the relationship I had before, this man probably seems/seemed like a god in comparison - for example he bought something for me as a birthday present that I'd mentioned once, weeks earlier in conversation as something I'd like - in general, not birthday related.

In contrast, in 7 years - one of which was my 30th birthday! - I either got no present at all from my Ex, a handful of notes (taken from our joint bank account so my money not just his!) or some supermarket flowers bought at the last minute with less thought than that. Not the be all & end all I know, but I suppose I shouldnt be overly astonished that someone who loves me buys me a nice present. Most people would expect that, I dont.

Am coming round - slowly - to this counselling idea....how do I explore it further? Do i have to go to my GP? (would prefer it not to be on my records for various reasons)

I think counselling would be a good idea - I had some (eventually) after abusive relationships (and an affair with a married man strangely enough )

have a look here for approved counsellors in your area/ Going via GP may mean you get it free on the NhS but the waiting list is long and if you can afford to pay, then private will be much better

Hope you sort yourself out