Is it time to call time on this friendship?

[secretregular]

Sorry this might be long! I have had this particular friend in my life since I was 18, so 17 years now. We really go back a long way. I have been feeling for years now that I'm actually not sure I like her anymore, she's changed beyond all recognition. She used to be a really caring girl, very generous, very fair minded. Things started to go wrong when she had finished her degree and moved to London. She met a guy who I can only describe as a complete arse. She started to change and become more like him, really strident views about things, started turning into a bit of a snob, and our relationship started to change. When I got married I asked her to be my bridesmaid. She doesn't believe in marriage, tells all and sundry how demeaning it is to women etc so quite a strange choice of bridesmaid I agree! She was a terrible bridesmaid, barely did anything but show up. I organised my own hen do, she left the wedding early, I was left feeling she didn't even want to be there. I agree, its my own fault for asking her. We don't live in the same part of the country but I now live back in my home town after living away for many years. She comes back quite regularly so we see each other one weekend a month. I email her quite regularly. The problem is, I think its time to call time on this friendship. Being in contact with her is really depressing me as its like being constantly disappointed. She looks down at me because I'm a SAHM saying she couldn't possibly do that as she would find it so unstimulating, she never replies to my emails and the one's I get are one liners, no effort at all. She never rings, she never remembers mine or my kids birthdays despite me always sending her kids cards and presents. When I invite her and the vile partner round they never bring wine and just drink all ours but to top it all off she never even acknowledges the presents I buy her kids. She doesn't send thank you cards, doesn't even send an email saying thanks they liked it. Its come to a head as my husband has just gone into hospital and I sent her an email telling her. Despite it being quite serious I just got a one liner back. Just before he became ill I sent her child a birthday present with a card and some money in and its been a week now and she hasn't even acknowledged it despite the fact she forgot my childs birthday in january and has actually never remembered it. On top of her attitude about my husband I think well sod you then. I am sick of being disappointed in her. I am sick of making all the effort. I am sick of her justifying the fact she is a crap friend on the fact she works full time. We are all busy and she isn't running bloody Nasa, she works for her local council. She's not too busy, she's just rude and bad mannered. So, is it time to call time on this friendship !

I can see where you are coming from scummymummy but you're totally wrong! she does expect presents and its not a case of she doesn't send them out so doesn't expect them back. Last christmas for instance I decided that I was not sending any for her kids because perhaps she didn't want to do the whole xmas present thing which is frankly fine by me. She emailed me and said "I'll leave yours and the kids presents with my dad so he can drop them off". I thought bollocks she's bought presents for all of us and rushed out and did the same. Wrapped them up, queued for ages at the post office to send them off. No presents for my kids ever materialised and she didn't even thank me for mine! I asked her in the end if she ever received them as it seemed strange and she did. Didn't bother to say if they were liked. I am not some desperate little sap buying her family presents that are unwanted! I'm busy too and have lots of other people to buy for and could really have done without it. and really scummymummy, you don't think its selfish to ask all your friends to spend over £200 on your birthday, and they all make a huge effort, but you don't even send a card back? Perhaps you're right, this girl and me don't have anything in common anymore. I have manners.

Oh and I don't think it matters a jot if my dh is 'long term serious' or not actually. It was serious, it was frightening, it was on holiday, he is still in hospital, it was a total nightmare for me trapped on my own in a small lodge with 2 small kids unable to get to the hospital whilst he had surgery. So its not long term but it deserved more than a line. Surely the point is that I was there for her for 6 very long years whilst her sister was ill, but when I actually need her I get one line back. Its irrelevant if she deems it long term serious, in friendship its wrong to take and not give.

SR, I recently spring cleaned my friendships, as I did have friend very similar to yours. After christmas, when yet again hse didn't send anything to my kids, and I recenved no thank yous for the presents I sent. i spoke to her on the phone, it went along the lines of "I don't feel that we add value to each other lives anymore, and feel should just leave it there" there was lots else said and suffice to say I haven't heard anything since.

Spring clean her out of your life

I'm going to. I'm gobsmacked she's been defended on here tbh. she is a really crap friend and has been for a long time. she's judgemental and prickly and I can't be arsed anymore.

I think peoople who have bad manners, often defend themselves by sying those of us with good manners are a retentive! I believe i you can't be bothered saying thank you, you shouldn't accept the gift, never mind that thye don't deserve it. Hope your dh is feeling better

Yes, she sounds pretty horrible now you say more, sr. Also sounds like she's taking advantage of you if she's extorting £200 from you on her birthday. Good luck in dropping her. I hope your husband is better soon. Sounds frightening.

You are probably right deegward.

think the difficulty as well is that there's many levels the friendship isn't working on - if spending time together was fun, then you could negotiate round the present problem for example, and I suppose accept her as being more of a fairweather friend/drinking buddy - but if you're just not enjoying being with her, it negates the point of seeing her on any sort of regular basis.
hope your h gets better soon, secretregular (missed that bit in your original post )

Oh dear secret regular, I've got a similar problem with a girl I've been close to for 16 years. It's so hard, awkward, difficult. I wish things hadn't changed between us, and like someone else said, I'm not sure she's happy. She's so angry all the time, I fail to see how she can be happy. Just wish she was honest enough to tell me if she wasn't happy.

In my case, I'm giving it time and distance. In your case, looks like you've reached the end of the road. Looks like it's ended already, so perhaps it will be a relief to both of you if one of you makes the brave decision to distance yourselves.

Good luck, and btw, people will always shock you on mumsnet by defending even the most outrageously bad behaviour, ignore it. I swear to god you could post "my best friend killed my rabbit" and someone would think it was unreasonable that you were pissed off, perhaps it wasn't such a nice rabbit, yadda yadda yadda!

Hey people do change some for the better some for the worst, especially in a capitalist society. If you had been brought up in a tribe in the jungle then she'd probably still be your best friend. But in a capitalist society people want stuff, they are jealous, they are greedy and they are nasty. You really can't trust anyone or rely upon anyone. Their priorities will always come before yours. But why upset yourself over it. Just let it faze out by not contacting her and do not invite her anywhere in future. Let her do all of the chasing, if she doesn't want to then fine, it is her loss. People are fickle and they are not worth the time or effort you spend on them. Out of all of the people I know I can count the genuine people on one hand and I am included on it. Shame but she's not a genuine friend to you.

The great resurrection 😁

How do you people find TEN YEAR OLD threads to post on??! HOW!!??