Leaving a relationship

[mummyelle]

I know this is a common topic but i would really love some advice. I'm not married but have 2 DD's aged 3.5 and 1.5 and i do not know whether to stay in my relationship for them or leave as i am not in love.

We have never really been in love, although i know he feels more for me than i do him, and i got pregnant accidentally and then we decided to make a go of it. We get on well as friends and still talk, but we never have sex (not since conception of youngest DD) and i know that i am not in love with him.

I am only 30 and even the prospect of staying until they leave home seems such a long time but i do not work and would have no way of supporting us if we left. Their dad is well off but i have no idea what kind of maintenance we would be entitled to and the thought of all the hurt i would cause seems awful when things are not terrible between us. My own parents are divorced and i dont want to damage my children.

Hmm, have been in v similar situation and did leave. You will get:
Housing benefit (whatever the agreed rent is for 2 bed place if you have 2 dc of same sex, depends on area)
Council Tax paid
Child benefit (c.£120/month)
Child Tax Credit (c.£88/week)
Cold weather payment (c.£25/week)
Income support (six monthly appts) (£60.50/week)
Healthy Start vouchers (£3 per child per week)

Maintenance I think is 20% of his income or so, but I don't take any so am not sure.

I'm doing okay, and my two ds's have accepted things easily as they are v young. Good luck with whatever you decide!

thanks slashtrophe sorry to sound really nosey but can i ask why you didnt accept maintenance? Did you think it made things easier not too?

Did you see a solicitor to draw up a residence agreement?

I didn't take maintenance as we had a joint mortgage on our house (which ex-p has kept on), and he said he would default on the mortgage and bankrupt us both if I did. Seemed easier to just let it go and hope we can sell at some point. These days (only changed in Oct), claiming Income Support does not depend on the CSA being involved.

I saw a family law solicitor (first half hour free with most, but you get legal aid if you're on IS anyway, he'll pay at least £150/hour)) but as we are arguing about money rather than residency, and like you not married, they couldn't help.

Your local Job Centre Plus will have a lone parent advisor.

We agreed residency fairly amicably between ourselves, but luckily not being married I would have more rights than him anyway.

Do you think it would be nasty? If so, do speak to all these people first and be ready.

You alright?

mummyelle
you need to follow your gut instinct with this one
maybe ask yourself the question of when you were last truly happy with DP

I'm ok, thank you. I'm just scared as i have no income or savings as i haven't been working and feel as though he holds all the cards (he owns the house we live in).

Also i literally have no idea how to go about all of this so thank you so much for the information. I definitely need to see what my options are before i speak to him as i think his reaction would be that i cant afford to leave.

I take it i need to go to Job Centre first to claim the income support so i am then eligible for Housing Benefit?

aseriouslyblondemoment i can honestly say i have never truly been happy with him, i think in my heart of hearts i knew it wasn't right but i have two beautiful children so i cant think of it as all bad.

Like i said i'm just struggling because he is a good dad and they love him. Part of me feels that i should put my feelings aside to give them a stable home environment with two parents.

Have you been through a similar thing?

I would go to job centre first and then council for housing benefit and council tax. Mine got themselves very tangled up because I applied before moving. I did however have enough saved up for a deposit and first month's rent which made all the difference, could you get that?
Child tax credit pays up within a few days when you change your circumstances, backdated mine by hundreds which helped as dp suddenly took all his money out of the joint account. Do you claim tax credit anyway?
For HB you need to show bank accounts, mortgage statement, lots of ID, have you got access to that? My HB took 7 weeks to come through.
So, yeah, see the lone parent advisor first, you'll need to ring up the national number for job centre plus.
Do you both own the house? You need to change it from joint tenants to tenants in common.
HTH, ask away

yes i have am divorced now
and left him
its just a question that was put to me when my decree nisi was given and thou i knew i was doing the right thing for me was consumed with guilt over the children
my answer to that question helped me lots
as i've always maintained i have only one life
although i'm was a mum i had to think about the kind of role model that i had become to my children
the married one wasn't good
i want mine to grow up believing in love and respect
sadly that was lacking in my marriage