The love's still there but the lust has gone...

[WWUD]

What do you do if the love is still there but the lust has gone, and neither of you are happy with it?

Think back, really properly think as in daydream, when you first met and the lust was there.

Write a list of all the reasons you love him and why other people such as family and friends love him.

Remember when you first realised you were 'in love' and how you felt then.

Get very drunk, reminisce about your early days together and memories and see what happens.

Agree to an evening of Affection Only, no sex, without pressure something may occur.

Professional counselling.

Doc appt to check for signs of depression or stress.

Failing that, I spent the last 3 years of my former relationship in seperate bedrooms (we were in our late 20s/early 30s) and still lasted because we had such a good friendship.

Look at your life and the reasons why you can't find the spark. Sometimes it's not the people involved; it's the situation. It's hard to feel "lusty" when you are bogged down with life.

If you love each other then chances are things can improve you probably just need to make a conscious effort to make time just for you two. This may not be easy but is possible if you really try. It doesn't have to be anything extravagant and expensive and as Giblets said, need not centre of sex at least to begin with.

Arrange some regular quality time together and enjoy each other's company.

WWUD - have you actually talked about it with him or are you just reasoning that he feels the same?

How long have you been together? The first rush of lust can never be maintained.

I think Oggsdog is right, that the initial wanting-to-rip-the-clothes-off-each-other phase never lasts long term. That said, with a truly loving relationship, the intimacy (emotional and sexual) that replaces that first flush of lust, can lead to even better things.

The nice thing about having a long-term partner is that you (hopefully) know what turns each other on and are able to talk about embarrassing conversations like what you like in bed. If this sounds like you, WWUD, then there's defintely hope.

What about acting out your fantasies? Some people enjoy watching porn together. What about dressing up or sex toys? It may feel odd or silly at first, but being good friends as well as lovers means that you'll just collapse in giggles instead of getting embarassed and offended. And it's surprising how 'lustful' good laughter can make you feel...

One thing that worked for me was to do some sports together or go clubbing if that's more your thing. Getting all hot and sweaty next to each other, but not being able to do anything more than that as you're in a public place, can be quite erotic.

Hope some fireworks get generated soon. Keep us posted (not tmi mind you .

'the lust has gone and neither of you are happy with it'. Is the unhappiness because both of you feel that you should be having rampant sex when in fact you'd rather sleep, or because one partner would like sex to happen sometimes and the other would rather not bother but feels bad about disappointing the partner who does want some sex?

Yep, don't make the mistake of thinking that everyone else is shagging their socks off in ParentLand. Shagging with their socks off, even! My OH is doing a jigsaw as we speak!!! And that is after my offer a {nudge nudge} early night ;)

I think your advice, OptimistS, is spot-on - do you do relationship counselling professionally? Have read some of your other posts, and you seem most wise in this field, if you don't mind me saying so.

Thank you smellen! I'm

No, I'm actually a graphic designer, lol. Psychology and human relationships (in the real sense, rather than the abstract academic sense) are just something that really interest me. I like to read up on this subject and practise what I learn about communication with people, whether that's friends, partners, children or what. I love people. We are all capable of such highs and lows. And it's always very easy to stand on the sidelines and offer advice about someone else's life. Much less so to do it to yourself.

That said, I've one (amicable) divorce and an abusive XDP in my past, and I'm currently single, so my posts should maybe be taken with a large dose of salt.

Sorry, hijack over.

< admits to secret stalking admiration of optimistS's posts too >

When I found myself in a similar situation I made a conscious decision that I DID want to stay in this relationship, and then I set about deliberately finding things to like / love / lust-after in dp.

I had a deliberate strategy of doing nice things for him - not necessarily overtly sexual, but little things I knew he would appreciate (making a little snack for him to eat when he came in from work; leaving notes on his pillow when I was away; putting the new toilet roll on the holder). Not being a domestic drudge but just remembering how these things would have been a joy not a drudge when we first met.

I set aside my irritations with him (they build up into a real lust-killer) - just noticed them if they happened and set them aside.

It all made me feel more loving and appreciative, and also more loved and appreciated and then, over time, more lustful.

There was some wise writer (don't remember who) who observed that when people first meet and fall in love they are conscious only of their similarities, so you get people who are totally incompatible who are like "OMG we are so alike, do you know we both hate walnuts! He is my soul mate" Then as you fall deeper in love and become more familiar you stop noticing the similarities (after all neither of you will try walnuts again so you don't rediscover this), and you notice the differences and become irritated by them. Putting aside the irritations leave much more space in your heart for love and lust (and humour, which i find helps).

Thank you for your wise and lovely words, ladies.

We've talked. He doesn't find it easy to talk about this. We've been together 12 years.

I want more passion - it doesn't have to be sex, but that would be nice. I have the libido of a babywipe ATM anyway. I never had very high sex-drive TBH.

He can't seem to separate passion from sex and I find that a turn-off.

Setting aside irritations makes day today life nicer.

It doesn't help that we're both shattered by parenthood (3 under 8).