Things are not good, what can I do.............

[Pinkfox]

Not sure where to start but I am a married mum of 2 gorgeous children. Things have not been ?right? for a while between my husband and I, lots of unspoken tension, sniping at each other, we speak but curtly, just a general feeling of unhappiness.

Things came to a head a couple of weeks ago when I brought up a subject and things were said from there, he said things haven?t been right between us for a long time (about 4 years), gradually over months getting worse, we live together but that?s basically it, we live together and look after the children, we do get evenings to sit down together but most times we either just watch tv (usually in silence) or one of us will potter about upstairs or in kitchen.

When we do sit together we have nothing to talk about, I feel he is not interested in anything I have to say and vice versa, sometimes his very presence irritates and annoys me. When he is not at home I am fine, when he comes home I am tense and irritable, not with the children, that?s part of the problem, keeping up the act and pretending everything is fine, its tiresome and draining and to be honest, I find it pointless.

It?s a lonely and miserable life, I would rather live on my own with the children and struggle than live like this. During our ?talk? he said we would have to sell the house and blah blah and I just keep thinking, no I don?t want to lose the house, I don?t want to affect the kids, so the easiest thing to do is carry on but I know we cant carry on this way. We are both in our early 30?s and I really don?t want to spend the rest of my life like this.

There are a number of factors which have led me to feel like this, he does things which I disagree with, which leads him to lie and hide things, he is secretive and deceitful, it has happened a number of times and the last time I told him in no uncertain terms (as anything I had said previously had fallen on deaf ears) that if it ever happened again (not an affair) he would have to leave, cos I felt he was taking the piss, I told him the way he was behaving was making me feel less for him. I felt he had no respect for me to keep doing what he was doing and on top of that, to keep lying to me about it, to me that shows little or no respect, he must think im thick to think he can hide stuff and I wouldn?t find out.

I have since found out he has done this thing again and lied about it AGAIN and then told MORE lies to try and cover up the fact he is lying and it was like someone turning off a light inside me, I just felt sad, previous times I have felt a mixture of anger, sadness, hurt, never knowing whether to scream or cry. There is no affection or intimacy between us, hasn?t been for a long time, although we get along fine, we don?t argue as such, no raised voices or anything.

My question is this, if we have lived like this for 4 years, what happens next, do we carry on living like this or do we do something about it, I tried to say to him during our talk that I felt we should not live together and see if it helped, some time and space apart might help us see how to make things better, to see if we can make them work, I don?t feel I can do anything to fix things while are are still living this way, things are not going to change while we continue this way.

Realistically I have nowhere to go, I wouldn't go on my own, my two children would have to come with me for childcare reasons which I don't think my parents would welcome, I wouldn?t know where else to go ? I have considered an easier option would be for him to move out for a while but I doubt he would relish that prospect either, I dont even feel I can suggest or approach that option. I dont know what to do but we really cant carry on like this, im not going to let this be brushed under the carpet now we have finally started to talk about it. HELP!!!

What are you thinking?? Any suggestions appreciated

gather up the stolen items and go to the police station!
failing that,annonymously report him....he'll be arrested,eventually(hopefully)charged....it won't be nice,but he's the one in the wrong here. see a solicitor about him returning,or not.

from your posts,you won't want to do that. so,constantly remove the items as you find them. don't know what you should actually do with them. they are stolen so charity shops are not a good idea. chuck them out somehow. sweep the house constantly and keep removing them til he gets the message.

or...steal his own personal stuff,see how he likes it. keep taking an item every day or two.

join the police....a police officer for a wife might just stop him!!

pinkfox - I think you need to see a solicitor and find out about your rights to the house.

Would you be able to pay the mortgage alone? You would be entitled to a lot more than half if the children stay with you.

Did you put a lot more equity into the house than he did?

It may take a while to sort out, and I don't think you should leave the house or do anything until you have spoken to a solicitor.

But truly, given everything you have described, it sounds like there is nothing to be gained from staying together, not even for the chidren. Anyway, you can find your facts from a solicitor - it doesn't bind you to any action.

Don't tinker about with stolen goods or play games at all. It won't help in the long run and could get you into trouble or undermine your strong position.

Just get proper legal advice about the house and what would happen if you separate / divorce.

Don't assume that what he says about selling the house is correct, you need to see a solicitor. I was surprised what I was entitled to when I got divorced years ago, but under different circumstances. What is he steeling, can it be returned?

Quietly, when he's out of the house, take photographs of the stolen goods and put the photos in a safe place. Then (once you've checked out your legal position WRT housing benefit, selling the house etc) tell him that he can either stop the stealing or get out. And that if he doesn't stop, or leave, you will report him to the police. Frankly the chances are quite good of him getting caught and going to prison anyway (most criminals don't get away with it indefinitely), no reason for you to be dragged down too.
DOn't feel too much pity for him. By storing stolen goods in the house he is putting you at risk of arrest (because if the police raid the house and find them they will arrest you as an accessory and TB brutally honest, the fact that you know the stolen goods are in the house and haven't reported them does actually, legally, make you an accessory to theft) - and the DC at risk of being taken into care.

At the moment its just 5-10 minutes "talks" but nothing is really being resolved, it is now being turned around onto me, its now "my fault" as things apparently havent been right for "years". He says we need to split up then and leaves it at that, I try and carry it on from there because I think we NEED to find a solution, otherwise this shitty situation will just continue and im at breaking point. I have to keep bringing up our "talks", instigating them, otherwise he is just carrying on as normal.

He says we need to split or work it out, I said I think we need time apart to see if we can "work it out", I dont feel I can even think straight while we are still living together in this way. He says we both have nowhere to go, but nobody outside knows, ie family (I have confided in two RL friends, but due to the nature of the problems I have, its hard to discuss with people). I tell him I am trying to offer solutions, but he dismisses it and says its not an option. Even when I say time apart might help, I know he wont do time apart because in his mind he thinks it will mean the end and maybe it will but we need to TRY something because what we are doing now isnt working??

I am very close to speaking to my parents as I feel I need some outside help, I need to be able to breathe and I feel I cant while its this "dirty secret", if the only person I am discussing it with is him and we are getting nowhere, im just hitting brick walls.

I would not tell ANYONE family-wise what is behind all this, im too ashamed plus im sick with worry that I will get in trouble, as you have quite rightly pointed out, I am involved because i know the things are here.

During our talks it is really apparent that he does not realise how serious the situation is, he doesnt understand that I cant go forward from this mainly because I dont trust or believe him anymore, he has lied and deceived me too many times now and the last time I blatantly told him if it happened again he would have to leave because he was putting us all in possible trouble. One of my RL friends has said the same as you guys, we could both go to prison, the house would go and my children, what would happen to them - you cant imagine how sick the thought is making me.

When I told him it was down to him and what he has been doing, even at my disgust and even at the risk of everything, he STILL turned it round and said it hasnt been right for a long time, so in other words, we have been living a lie for 5 years?!?!?! I think we have both kept trying to adjust and live with things the way they were but NOW, no, not with everything he has continued to do.

Im so scared

I think you should contact women's aid TBH. He is basically trying to persuade you to shut up and be an accessory to his crimes by waving 'love' over your head like a doggy treat. He is deliberately demoralising you so that you will just do what he wants and put up with his behaviour.

Im not scared of him, BTW, just scared of whats going on.

What would I ask a solicitor about, I wouldnt be able to tell them about the stealing thing would I, I can see this is only going to be horrible, like I will have to use that against him in private so he goes along with everything.

I do feel like saying to him, LEAVE otherwise I am going to take legal advice but I know he would call my bluff, I think he knows I cant say anything because im involved too??? Although I could say that I have only just found these things??

WEll, you can see a solicitor and just say you wnat to split up and what would you be entitled to re the house. Then if you found out that you would be secure in the house, then that would not be a reason to stay with him.

You don't have to say anything about the stealing unless you want to (as far as I know) but you seem to be focussing on the ownership of the house as one of your obstacles to splitting up.

It sounds as if you have a lot of money tied up in your house - I think you should find out how to best protect your assets.

It would also help to get an opinion from one of the MN lawyers about whether you can speak to your own solicitor in confidence about the stling, and what the consequences of that would be. becuas i would be good to have a legal opinion on how it could affect everything or anything.

I THINK you can get an intial half hour with a solicitor without charge - but may be wrong.

My main concern is the children, I dont want them to be put through any upset and I see staying in the home as being fundamental to providing them with some stability in what is likely to be unstable times.

When we met I had my own house which I sold so we could buy a place together, at which time he did not have any property, he had lived with his parents. He moved in with me about 12 months before we got a home together, but I sold my home for double what I had paid for it, therefore paid off my existing mortgage and put the other half of the money into the house, some as a deposit, and some was used to buy new things for our home and towards a new car.

At the time only he could drive and we wanted a more family size car for possible future family (which comes in handy now!!).

A couple of years later I bought my own car with a saving plan which had ended (it was a ten year plan and ended just in time for me passing my test!!).

The living arrangements and having somewhere to live just seems like the main obstacle standing in the way, or it is the only thing being used as an excuse for this, depending on how you look at it. I wont go anywhere without my kids and feel they should live in the home, so that would mean me living here with them - I will take on the mortgage myself if I have to (although not completely sure I would be able to realisticly afford this).

He hasnt said anything but I think he is worried because he knows he will prob be the one to leave and he is worried about seeing his kids - we could basically still live the same life as now, just living in different places, but I dont feel he is understanding this or maybe I am being selfish or not saying it clearly enough??

I feel like going away tonight as I cant keep this up much longer, he is carrying on completely normal, the same as every other day

I don't get why you want to keep on giving house room to a criminal who doesn't treat you well. He's hardly a good role model for the DC, is he?
Do get some legal advice. TBH it sounds like he doesn't love you, doesn't care about the relationship and is just trying to keep you sufficiently demoralised that you stay put, keep servicing him domestically and shut up about his crimes. You can't make someone love you, and this man doesn't sound worth any effort even to try.

Pinkfox, whilst you have the care of the children, there is no court that would make you leave the family home. He is the one who will have to leave. Once the children have left home, he may have a claim on the property, at which point you would either buy him out or sell up and divide the proceeds according to how much he contributed.

You really MUST see a solicitor to discuss this and establish what your rights are, but whatever you do, do NOT leave the house. If he does agree to go, you can always get a lodger to help with the mortgage, if you have a spare room. Everything you say to a solicitor should be confidential - if you feel you have to mention the stealing, you can always ask the solicitor if anything illegal that your h is involved in, can be discussed in confidence, before you go into detail.

I really wouldn't want a man like this in my life or my children's - and how dare he turn it round and say it's all your fault. Is it your fault he steals? Has he no power to exert a sense of right and wrong? Balls! And this is not a good example of how to live, for your dcs. From all you say, it sounds like you and your dcs will be better off with him gone - and of course you will maintain his relationship with the children.

Pinkfox,
As rightly pointed out he can't force you out of the house as you have the DCs so he would be the one to leave. You should discuss this with him when your DCs are out the house. Talk to your parents as I'm sure they will understand and may help out with DC's whilst you're sorting all this out. Remember he will have to pay you maintenance, you should be able to reduce you council tax once he moves out so look into this, also you maybe entitled to additional tax credits so look into this. Also are you on a fixed rate mortgage and are you tied in? Because if you're not then you could look around for a better deal that would lower your mortgage payments. Are you on a repayment mortgage because if you are you could switch to interest only to lower your payments, its not ideal but it would just be a temporary measure while you try to sort your finances out. Also see a solicitor, some offer a free 30 min session or a low rate say £75 for 1 hour or something.

Oh pinkfox, I am so sotty for you. I sounds very difficult. You must must must get out if he is stashing stolen goods in your home and won't stop though. Saw a horrid court case through work where a young woman got 11 year jail sentence for having stolen goods in her home, placed there by her horrible man. I think they were weapons hence swingeing sentence but there were many people in tears for her (and we weren't even there for her case) and it was really really horrible. I think you could be charged for knowingly having solen goods in your home so you really do need to find a way out.

Oh pinkfox, I am so sorry for you. It sounds very difficult. You must must must get out if he is stashing stolen goods in your home and won't stop though. Saw a horrid court case through work where a young woman got 11 year jail sentence for having stolen goods in her home, placed there by her horrible man. I think they were weapons hence swingeing sentence but there were many people in tears for her (and we weren't even there for her case) and it was really really horrible. I think you could be charged for knowingly having solen goods in your home so you really do need to find a way out.