Annoyed that MNers think staying with adulterous partner is the easy option

[NotTheEasyOption]

I know this is bad form but i feel i have to comment after reading another thread. OP on other thread is leaving her DH after finding out about affair- fair enough. People said on that thread they are pleased she is as there have been lots of cases of people letting them get away with it.
Last summer I found out my DH had been having an affair for 7 months, it started when we had a young baby and just efore I foiund out about the afair I also found out I was pregnant.
DH ful of remorse, cut all contact etc etc. I gave him 2nd chance. Every day I hope and pray I have done the right thing. I look at my son and pray that I have done the right thing for him and often cry with worry that I have risked us being hurt in the future. I have struggled to revuild the relationship, it is hard to trust again. So hard. It has been an incredebly hard 6 months so far and expect it to continue to be a struggle for some time yet.
Please don't think if a woman gives a second chance she is weak and stupid- it would have been easier in so many ways just to kick him out and be done with it, but I felt that I had to give a second chance for the sake of my child, our extended families.
Rant over.

I would imagine that in the emotional fallout of an affair there is no easy option. To say there is, is shortsighted.
I hope all comes good for you and that your decision proves right

Ohhhh, thank you. I needed to hear that. Was looking for a thread which was about surviving an affair and couldn't find one. It seems to be the given that ending the marriage is a no brainer but I'm not ready to give up yet. I'm so glad I'm not the only one and admire your courage. Good luck.

NTEO - I agree. TBH if my DH cheated on me I know I would stay with him.

Hi, i am also trying again with h after his affair. Its only been a month and it is the hardest thing i have ever done. I'm trying so hard to rebuild my trust in him and he really seems to want it to work.

Tbh i'm having a bit of a wobble today, feel very vulnerable, there is alot i still need to ask him but i'm terrified of the answers.

Good luck to you all, hope it works out for us all x

you know, i totally agree with you. It is harder to stay, much harder on you. Speaking as someone who has gone through this, it will rarely work. I dont think if you give a second chance the woman is weak or stupid.. far from it, its harder to face problems than to run away... but there is a limit to what you can take, and somewhere along the line people have to be accountable for their actions.
I have just wasted 2 years of mine and my daughers life, giving someone a second chance who didnt deserve it. I felt good about myself that i had stayed and stuck it out, i actually thought that i was a better person for not cutting and running. I now know i was in fact actaully a mug, and i am the person who will pay for this mistake.
I wish you well in your marriage.

Thanks for posting that. I'm really confused at the moment about where to go from here. I'm trying to take time to process my feelings meanwhile sort the practical things out so that I'm ready if I decide to boot him out (tbh that's what I'm inclined to do right now but I guess I need to give it more time).

There are many here who have survived and re-build our marriages - it is not an easy option at all and takes a lot of soul-seaching from you before you can really say you have fogiven and even begin to move forward.

I can honestly say that in some ways we now have a better relationship - of course it is never the same again, and something has been lost forever (many believe this to be the trust), but so many more things have been gained than lost through this very very tough time.

You say you are working hard to rebuild your marriage but i hope it is both of you who are putting each other first in every way now.

I would never judge anyone for either staying or going - both are equalling difficult choices i would imagine, as long as that is what they want.

Just make sure that you are now sure you get your needs meet from your marriage and that you have set yourself some boundaries that your h is happy to stick to.

I have forgiven but there will never be a next time - i will kick him out and i will hope to have the support of MN if that does happen.

Good luck to you.

sad you feel that is what other people think - I'm sure no one does think it is the easy option to stay together after an affair, but sometimes it is the more practical solution. Sometimes not.

In the end, it is down to what you personally feel you can stand - if that is tha you love him enough to give him another chance then fine; if it's the end of everything then fine too.

Well done for trying - I hope it works out for you.

Ambercat - please ask the questions you need to - otherwise it will eat away at you. Dont let him make you feel bad for ever bringing it up - and it is only a month on so you have every right.

Also remember you only need to stay for as long as you feel good in the relationship - surely you would not want anyone to stay when they werent happy themselves.

To those trying to rebuild - you need to be a bit selfish now (it is your right) get the answers you need and do take time to question yourself - and never feel you 'should' stay and make a go of it - after all would you really want your partner to stay out of some misplaced duty to you - or out of real love for you?

The trust issue is a difficult one too and in fact i read somewhere that you do not have to trust your partner to be able to have a relationship that works.
Find some area where you already do turst them - with childcare or money or always being on time. Then work on that - it is ok to say you do not trust them with people of the opposite sex for a while - that need to be earned back over time. Please dont feel guilty that you do not fully trust at first.

It all depends on the circumstances and the individual relationships, so such sweeping statements are not helpful.

I only recently found out after splitting with my husband that my dad had an affair soon after my brother was born, it did not affect us at all as I have no recollection. My mum says that it took a lot of soul searching but she felt she had to trust my dad was very sorry and she understood his reasons (not excused, just understood). I think you have to expect it to be a struggle, but it is a struggle for both of you, the only thing you can do is be open and honest about every little detail of feelings to your husband and expect the same from him. I do wish you luck.

Gawd, I would think that staying and rebuilding your relationship/trust is just as hard as splitting up.
Am full of admiration for any woman who rebuilds her life (with or without DP/H) after her OH's affair

My ex had an affair 11 years into our marriage. I stayed a further 15 years, even had another baby... but the little doubt monster never went completely away and finally we split because I was worn out. Always worrying, always feeling like a sucker, always feeling very resentful when we had arguments. The solid base was crumbled and beyond repair. I feel bad about it now but I thnk he had other flings even tho he promised me he'd never do it again.. weak person that he was. I thought I could handle it, but I couldn't.
Now? ... well, never been happier! But I often think how foolish he was to have jeopardised such an unconditional love.

Thank you Happywoman, i know i need to ask, its so hard. We have been to relate and are really talking quite openly but some areas he just sort of clams up, i don't want to push it as i know it will hurt me. Sat here in tears as it all feels so overwhelming. Don't know how i ended up here, just want my old life back.

To the op - I saw the comment that I think you are referring to and felt it was directed at me because I have given my h so many chances and he still keeps letting me down.

Maybe some have read my thread and feel I am stupid to keep trying. That is their opinion but I had to make sure I had done all I could.

In answer to your question. I dont think their is a right or wrong way to deal with your h having an affair. From what you read on here people get a gut feeling whether they want to give it another go or kick their cheating partner out.

Neither option is easy. An no-one else can tell you which is the right option for you. The choice is yours alone.

Stirling - exactly, and you can look your children in the eye now and know you did everything to try and give them a happy life. They'll soon work out who was the weak one without anyone saying a word. Three months after the OW was kicked into the mists of history (after an emotional affair lasting 6 weeks and a one night stand) I am finally having a few days of clarity so there is hope!

Abedelia - That is how it happens sometimes - you can feel really unsure then one day you can wake up and it is all clear and you know it is over and you know what to do

Or maybe you realise that you can deal with it and try again.

There is always hope

I'm seeing giving it another go as tentatively the right choice - H wants a marriage blessing and another dc (think he's realise what he nearly gave up and is afraid I'll do a runner otherwise) so he is committed, plus I have both the knowledge she is no threat, and the sudden realisation that if it does all go wrong it's not the end of the world and I'll be fine. I know that sounds cold, but I feel so much stronger...

Blimey dont think that at all - I dont think either is an easy option TBh - either way it hurts like shittery!
I have done both - given my H chance after chance after chance and it was bloooody hard , and now after 3 years I am filing for divorce - just as bloooooody hard - so no easy option!
You do what you have to and dont worry what other people think or say - only you know what is right for you and your family - some survive some dont - but for me I know that I hadnt given it my all and a bloody good chance then i would have regretted it forever!
If it had worked then I would have had my family back, but it hasnt and I can walk away knowing I tried my damdest !
Thoughts - it really is horrendous xxx

i would give my dh a 2nd chance (for my childrens sake).

wishing you all the best x